Hearts & Bones

Some interesting developments on the home front. When my wife and I argue, even about the dumbest shit, it doesn’t take long before shes telling me how much she hates me, wants a divorce, and will never have sex with me again (I wasn’t holding my breath anyways). It takes a while for the argument to deescalate and then we are fine again (as fine as fine can be, getting her to apologize for what she says in the moment is like pulling teeth and often not worth it). Last night, we had a talk. I had got to thinking, after a big blow up earlier and things started to cool down, ‘if she is always talking about divorce, maybe she really wants one?’ We’ve ruled divorce out as an option for so long. First, we are ‘Christians’, second, we agree that our son would be best served by two parents, and third, something we never talk about, but my wife has no ability at this time to support herself, no job skills, no prospects, she’s entirely set herself up to be a housewife as she’d always dreamed about (sure, she went to college, a far more prestigious and expensive one than me, but she has very little experience in her field).

But, if she’s always talking about it, how about we talk about it together for once? I mean, we’d talked about it before, but never more than to say, ‘no we can’t divorce cause God says so.’ Maybe she really wants a divorce deep down and we can start moving in that direction amicably. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in her eyes when she finally realized what I was talking about when I brought it up: pure terror. From that moment I wanted to make it stop, I wanted to comfort her and tell her I’d never leave her or stop loving her, it was painful to bear seeing that fear and pain on her face. I said that I only brought it up because she talked about it so much when we argued. The apologies poured forth from her mouth, like a young child who’d gotten caught red-handed by a parent, she told me how sorry she was that she always said it, that she told me she hated me, that she doesn’t really hate me. She told me that she never thought I’d ever consider divorce as a possibility, that she trusted in my loyalty to her, that she couldn’t imagine me imagining myself with someone else. It made me realize how much she’d taken me for granted. When she told me how much she hated me and how much she wanted a divorce, it was like she was beating me like a loyal dog she never thought would bite back or run away. The tables seemed to have turned. In my darkest heart, I knew I could manipulate the situation, perhaps it would even been justified given her treatment of me, but no, that would be evil and heartless, I don’t think I could even do it if I wanted to, and it isn’t out of some belief that I’m noble, I know that I’m not.

She wouldn’t want to share custody of our son, she’d always want to be with him every day. Honestly, I want that too. But, she knew she could never stay in this area on her own, even if I was paying maximum child support and alimony, it is just too expensive without her having an income of her own, and jobs are scarce. She’d need to find a new partner, and that was fraught with fear on my side because another man would be step-father to my son, would he do well? Would he be abusive? She knew her prospects were far more limited than my own. Now, she talked about her fear that I’d found someone else, I assured her I hadn’t. I wasn’t lying, my affairs were not marriage material (dear lord, I fear for Sierra’s future husband).

We hadn’t had this honest of a conversation in years. Though I held back telling Β her about my affairs, we were painfully honest with one another. We both acknowledged our mistakes, getting married, having a kid, the terrible things we’d done to each other during our relationship. We acknowledged what we both wanted: a loving, passionate relationship. We came down to two choices, get a divorce or work together to fix this. We’d been working to fix it for so long, we both agreed it was an uphill battle, perhaps even impossible. But, she made it clear a divorce wasn’t an option for her, she didn’t want me to be with anyone else, she wanted me to be her husband and father to her child. I could see this wasn’t going to end how I wanted. We couldn’t have an amicable divorce. She was right, divorce would make it almost impossible to care for our son the way we wanted, at least in the short term. I could see so much pain and fear in her eyes, fearing that I’d move forward with divorce without her blessing, but I knew I couldn’t, not now, not without trying to fix this, I love her and our son too much to not try. So I tell her, we’ll try to mend it, we’ll try to rebuild, I would never abandon her even if we divorce one day, I’d never stop caring for her and our son.

The wall between us seems to have been broken down, for now. We actually embraced, kissed, it was like something out of the twilight zone to actually be kissing my wife, for her to come to me for affection. She even started talking about trying to have sex again, maybe starting with once a week (what a novel idea). We sat and talked the rest of the evening, it was an amazing change from the cold distance between us before. Hard to believe it began with a conversation about divorce. So, we’ll see what happens. This could be a new dawn. But, I still don’t know what to think, I know she could never abide an open relationship. Could I ever be satisfied in my marriage? I have to try. Or can I give up cheating now that I’ve tasted the forbidden fruit? I know I want to start again, a fresh slate a bachelor, but, it just isn’t that simple anymore having a wife and child to care for.Β I’ll have to keep taking it one day at a time.

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16 thoughts on “Hearts & Bones

  1. Well I can certainly relate to this situation. I’m actually surprised this conversation didn’t come up earlier for you guys. I think if my wife had been so blunt about not loving me and no sex I would’ve brought up the idea of divorce long ago. She obviously wasn’t happy or she wouldn’t be treating you that way, and you certainly are not happy. Like my situation though the children involved make the answer less clear.

    It sounds like you have one kid, and something I’ve always thought about was – do you want to have another child with this person? If you don’t then that is probably not a good sign. Divorce may be an awful thing but having children raised in a toxic household may not be better. Financially I know you would do all you could, as would I.

    Well good luck to you in figuring this out with your wife.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Our situation has been bad for a while, there are a lot of things that are barriers to good communication in our relationship.

      I think we’ve done a good job making a united front to our son. My wife is a wonderful mother. We both have our priorities aligned when it comes to kids and I think we make a good team in that regard. It is everything else unfortunately…

      So, not sure where that leaves us. Just keep trying to figure it out I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! This is great and scary all at the same time, I imagine! It’s unfortunate that you are perhaps ‘stuck’ in this situation, but at the same time that you are being responsible is admirable.
    My bet would be on sex winning. Sex releases endorphins, just as bad as any addiction. Then you have the whole adrenaline that is behind not getting caught in your sneaking around, again junky worthy. You likely have some addiction to the behavior at this time. Unless you find someone to be accountable to, you likely are going to keep going back, even if you may want to stop.
    That said, my black soul hopes that you don’t stop so I get to keep reading and perhaps even one day will hear from you. xo πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for the kind words. I worry too, I don’t see anyways out, forward, backward or otherwise. More thought and time is needed at the moment.

      Hehe, hey, I got a hug! Just what I needed xo. We’ll see what happens πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You bet! And yes, it isn’t something I’m sure you went into lightly and so reasonably it will take time on this end too.
        Yes, I’ve decided if I’m going to put myself out their with you, I may need to start handing out some hugs. Although, I am a girl who like reciprocation. And, be still my heart…Luckily I’m very patient πŸ˜‰

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      2. P.S. I forgot to mention that I thought the title was “Hearts and Boner” so I must say I was a little disappointed that there was something missing πŸ˜‰ xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I suggest your wife get a job. The person with the money has the power. Your child will be fine and when you divorce your wife can be independent and you can screw around as much as you like.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That would be nice, but isn’t going to happen right away. Child care is extremely expensive, to the point of her income in her field not making any profit, it would all go to paying for child care and possibly then some. She wants to be home with the baby until he is in school, then her plan is to get a job. But that is a ways away. I have no desire to exert power over her, and I also rely on her right now to care for our son, so we both are relying on one another. We have a tight financial situation, and a divorce would ultimately make us dependent on others, we’d need to rely on our families to fill in additional financial/housing support if we split up our household which would increase our costs of living considerably. Besides the fact that my wife doesn’t want to divorce and isn’t aware of my infidelity. I wish it could be simpler, but I’m not doing anything rash until I’ve given it more thought.

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