Hello, It’s Me

Been a while, but I better keep writing or all could be lost. I’ll admit, I’ve been a little discouraged of late. Criticism of my behavior and reasoning (justifiable as it may be) here and at other venues can be wearying, because I feel I have to take criticism seriously and honestly. Continually questioning foundational principles and reasons for the life you are leading takes a lot out of you, and at the end of the day, you either have to do something, move forward or just give up. At the end of the day, I’m still a cheater, but I’m trying to keep my mind open despite the uncomfortable cognitive dissonance it sometimes causes (I got used to this from years of trying to be an open minded Christian). Sometimes I think the criticism only makes me feel worse about myself, but I have to believe that I can still change course if I truly ever want to and come to a sense that it would be the right move for me and my loved ones.

No detailed narratives for today. Just the facts as I ease back into writing here. Hopefully, I’ll find my muse again soon.

So, a lot has happened since we last spoke, dear reader. I was ghosted by all my Tinder (including Layla who I was certain was interested, but maybe she’ll be back) and OKC matches and most of those responses I had on CL. I got stalked on CL by a 60 year old lady begging for my dick. Nothing against 60 year olds, but this one was definitely not my cup of tea. Elle is back to texting me regularly, but I still don’t think we will get anywhere, it should probably go without saying, her texting me then ghosting me is like the tide rolling in and out.

But, on another note, I did see Lisa. We had a rendezvous on Sunday afternoon (I broke away from youth group for a while), and then again on Monday morning. It was good, but I was all over the place with my sexual performance again, but we had more time to make up for it and ended up having several very good screws. She’s a nice girl, we sat and had tequila again at her hotel room, fucked, had more tequila, fucked again, talked, rinsed, repeated. Our social interaction is really good, but I think we are super sexually incompatible. I can’t put my finger on it, but we never seem to be thinking the same thing in bed, it also doesn’t help that I’m not that attracted to her physically. Granted, I don’t have much experience, but my sexual compatibility with Anne and Sierra was nigh perfect. We always seemed to be on the same page. Or perhaps Sierra has ruined me, cursed me, and getting back there will be an uphill battle. Perhaps I’m just being too superstitious. In any case, Lisa wants to see me again in a few weeks to maybe a month, whenever she can get back out between work and school. Turns out that she and her fiance have broken up, so perhaps I’m a fall back in the interim.

Another promising lead from CL a couple days ago. We’ll call this new girl ‘Nancy’. She’s an early twenties, white, brunette, self-described BBW (big beautiful woman). I tend towards thinner women, but something about this girl was instantly attractive to me. The confidence she has, the way she likes to talk dirty, and she is a good looking girl too, definitely more than a little extra weight, but not quite on par with my wife but she is a little more top heavy. She does have grammar and spelling problems like Sierra did, and a cutsie, whimsical way of texting, so maybe that makes up part of my attraction. Nancy is married as well, claims she needs a little more than the once a week 5-minute screw her husband has been giving her. In any case, we were supposed to meet on Thursday, but I had to stay in to help care for a sick baby, then again today, but Nancy had to stay late at work, but we are shooting to meet up Monday morning at this point.

Into the weekend we go, and I’m not sure I’ll have time to post anything. But, I’ll shoot to post a couple to three times next week.

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10 thoughts on “Hello, It’s Me

  1. Speaking only for myself, I think it’s hard for my attempt to better understand or ask questions or comment my thoughts to NOT come off as criticism, although that’s not how it’s meant, so I’m sorry about that. Everyone has their own life experiences and that tends to colour how we feel about things that happen in our own lives as well as the experiences and actions of others. As an agnostic raised catholic, my “morality” (I really, strongly dislike that word. Makes me feel like I should be wearing a white shirt buttoned all the way up to the neck and a sour expression of disapproval) hinges on trying my best not to hurt those around me, and really when you think about it the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth commandments are basically that. Respect your parents, don’t murder anyone, don’t cheat on anyone, don’t steal from anyone, don’t lie to anyone and don’t be a jealous prick. Essentially. Right?

    I think it’s really difficult for people like you who have been steeped in religion the way you have like an old teabag, almost stuck to the mug you’ve been in there so long. In some ways I feel like you haven’t had time to sort through the rough patch of moral confusion that comes with losing your faith. When you’ve been brought up with a set of rules, it’s easy to just follow along with them because you believe in the stuff behind them, but once you stop believing then what are the rules for? Do any of them matter? What does right and wrong hinge on if there’s no heaven or hell etc etc… It’s a philosophical mindmelter. I think it’s much easier when you’ve had a looser relationship with religion to find your own moral compass as you grow.

    I don’t know where I’ve gone now on this rambling tangent. This is what happens when I comment on a Saturday morning and I’ve had too much tea! Glad you’re alive and well.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Don’t be sorry for even a second, Quinn. I really do appreciate your thoughtful comments. My old pastor used to tell me “truth has nothing to fear”. I always took that to mean that I shouldn’t ever be afraid of other people’s ideas, questions, and opinions. It is mostly this terrible situation that I put myself in. I know I’m swimming up river. You are right in many ways that I’m now like an infant leaving religion behind me and having to calibrate my own moral compass for the first time. Comments like yours really do help me to understand what is going on inside, but sometimes it is uncomfortable threatening the annihilation of your own ideals on a continual basis. I had my little break, but I’m back now to make more bad decisions 😛

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope you read about Limerence. It is exactly what you are feeling right now. Sierra evidently pulled you out of your planned life. You were going to do a little cheating and still be the “choir boy” you and everyone else thought you were. Many, many people question the beliefs they hold from childhood. What has happened to me and friends of mine is that none of us attend church anymore but we still have our own beliefs and they are very varied. Your agnosticism is not unusual. I think you married too young. You have not developed your belief system yet.
    What happened to you was you fell in love with a free spirit who had absolutely no trouble having sex with a married man and then trying to extort money from him. This is where Limerence comes in. Your logical brain knows she was never going to be a partner for you but all those love chemicals flooded your brain and common sense went right out the window.
    This is not an insult. You have a lot of growing up to do.

    Like

    1. Glad to see you haven’t gone and changed on me Moi!

      Mentions my immaturity… check
      Postmodernism… check
      Detached confident tone… check
      Ensures that I know that I’m not unique… check
      Mentions “limerence”doublecheck

      I’m starting to see a pattern emerging, you silly goose 😛 … In any case, remember that I started down the path of cheating long before I hooked up with or met Sierra. But I digress. Have a good day Moi, stay savvy.

      Liked by 1 person

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