So It Begins

So here I am, almost a year of CL ads, learning “scam bot” as a second language, endless email threads, exchanging dirty pics, getting stood up, almost becoming the victim of blackmail on two occasions. I had gotten to the point a few weeks ago where I was absolutely certain that nothing would ever happen.

It had become routine, logging into my CL account, renewing and reposting, seeing what popped up in w4m, checking my email regularly, making my replies, labeling and organizing ridiculously long email threads, taking dirty selfies, scrubbing them of GPS meta data, and getting them off my phone and into the cloud as quickly as possible, I would use my Google Voice phone number and Skype to make calls and texts and quickly turn the secret accounts on and off my phone as needed. It was all mechanical, and I honestly saw no future in any of it, never imagined it would ever culminate in anything more than what it was in itself. Part of me kept doing it because it made things more exciting. The other part of me wanted to experience having affair while I am still relatively young, and maybe, just maybe, something could happen.

It was also a road of self-discovery. I explored a side of myself I didn’t know existed, and I learned a lot along the way. I found myself more comfortable than ever with talking about sexuality with women, and became very acquainted with rejection (which would come in the form of absence of further communication or realizing that the person who I was communicating with was using me for their own personal fantasy and had no real desire to go further). I’d really appreciate it when someone would take the time to at least tell me why they were rejecting me, if they did the reason was either the fact that I was married or that they were too nervous to meet someone in person that they met online.

Out of the blue, I received a reply to one of my ads (doesn’t it always happen that way?). I had posted it a long while ago and it was due to expire in a matter of days. I had posted the ad while my wife and son were out of town a while back and I was lonely one night and none of my other ads had borne any fruit. I decided to just post one saying essentially “hey, I’m chilling at my place while my wife is gone, I’m just gonna fap and watch some porn and would like some company.” along with the long obligatory disclaimer at the end for other males to stop emailing me pics of their anuses and dicks and no I don’t want you to come over and give me a BJ/HJ. The reply was from a girl who particularly enjoyed porn, so we talked about our favorite pornstars and styles and… realized we have very little in common in what we enjoy watching, but we found enough commonality that we set a date at her parents’ place while they would be out of town during the day while I was supposed to be at work. She was a cute, remarkably articulate (I mean she could spell and had good grammar, I don’t know what it is, kids these days) chubby Asian barely into her 20’s. We’ll call her ‘Anne’. I didn’t think much of it, I’d had set dates with numerous women before and always been stood up (I mean, if I was a woman I’d probably be too afraid to meet some random dude I met on CL, you hear stories), but I felt Anne and I were somehow on the same page with all of this. Could this finally happen? I had to see. I got the feeling she wanted something more than just watching porn, so I stashed a condom just in case.

The day we’d set for our meeting came and I sent a confirmation text an hour before our set time. I was surprised to get a reply with her street address. This was really it. I’d prepared myself for this point so many times, I hardly felt nervous. Like in a dream, I left my office, walked to my car, set my GPS and drove off. I arrived and put my arms around a flesh and blood woman. I thought it would be a big deal since up to this point I hadn’t spanned the digital divide with all those women on CL. But it all felt natural, we hugged, talked, went to the room she shared with her kid sister (Justin Bieber and Frozen‘s Elsa and Anna looked down on us from the walls). We put on some porn and started dry humping, turn off the porn and start making out, shirts coming off, she says “I didn’t want to push you too far since you are married, but I bought a pack of condoms for today.” Then something unexpected happen, my dick, which had been making a massive tent in my chinos, decided to go limp. I’ve read that erectile dysfunction is often one side of the coin of the “fight or flight” response. I had never experienced this before, and I couldn’t understand what was happening, I was nervous, my heart was racing, but I definitely wanted to have sex with her. I was ready, so what the fuck, why’s my cock being a dick about it?