My Better Self

There is a moment—Oh, just before the first kiss, a whispered word—something that makes it worth while.

No word from Nancy yesterday, I’m thinking she’s ghosted me. Perhaps that is for the best, I think she may have sensed that I was put off a bit by her and she deserves a man that can appreciate her better than I.

I had a time chatting with a girl from Tinder. She’s visiting for spring break and staying with a girlfriend. Turns out she and her girlfriend are bi and looking for a guy to have fun with in a threesome. But, I got turned off when she said I’d need to “earn” her phone number, after that, figured I’d have some fun with the conversation at least. When I asked what she was looking for, she told me she couldn’t tell me that I’d need to be creative, so, of course, I launched into a discussion of arts and crafts.

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Probably she is wanting me to make her swoon with details of what I plan to do to her and her friend, but I’m not sure I want to put that effort in to probably have no return. If she was really interested, I’m sure she would have already given me her number. Maybe if I get bored this afternoon I might play around with her a bit more, see where it goes. I’m not particularly interested in having a threesome though I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

There are moments you feel you are the cusp of letting your dreams fly away with you. Is it wisdom to clip their wings and return to the earth? It seems meaning always eludes one’s grasp. As soon as you apprehend it you open your hand to look, only to find it has vanished like a magician’s trick. I can’t decide if having a passionate romance is my strongest desire or my greatest fear. Sometimes I think it is my strongest desire to fall hopelessly in love with someone again, like I did with Sierra, but my greatest fear that this time, they might love me back. Would I turn everything upside down, hurt and destroy those I love now for a taste of that ambrosia? Which path would be courage, which cowardice? I keep going round and round only to come back to myself. I think I’m realizing why I catch feelings so easily now: I am a dreamer. I suppose it should have been obvious, but I fall in love with my own fantasies and desires to the point that I have difficulty separating the external reality from my own internal self. And I let myself do it, I’m a junkie for it, craving the high that comes from indulging the hopeless romantic within me. I often believe romantic love is just our animal nature fooling us, a survival instinct to ensure procreation, perhaps nothing more. I waffle between desiring purely sexual, physical encounters to wanting more, but then I fear what will happen if I fly too close to the sun with these wings made of wax. Maybe romance is only a reflection of yourself and your desires projected onto another person, a positive feedback loop only broken when the harshness of reality gets in the way. Can it last? Or is it doomed as the illusion it is? Does that make it any less worthwhile?

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18 thoughts on “My Better Self

  1. How long have you been with your wife? In a relationship, I mean? And how long did the romance aspect of it last? How long did you fancy the pants off her, lust after her, feel thrilled to see her and feel truly happy with her?

    This post was pretty melancholy. Made me feel sort of sad, anyway! I’m going to go find the emergency bag of maltesers I have stashed away for when my mood dips…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This discovery definitely tells me a lot about my relationship with my wife, you must have read my mind. We have been together 8 years, 9 years maybe? We were just friends at first, and I realize that I fell more in love with my idea of her than with the real her, and that, to me, is my biggest regret. Not just for me, but because I cheated her, short-changed her out of finding a better love (if such a thing exists for her). She fell in love back. And as you say, I fancied the pants off her, I was thrilled with her, and was for a long time, longer than her that’s for certain. For me, it lasted till about 3 years ago when it came crashing down finally, I came to the realization that she didn’t feel the same way about me, I think I finally realized when she started finally telling me like it was: “I don’t love you anymore.” I had been accepting of her flaws for the longest time, ignoring them believing “well, at least she provides such and such which more than makes up for it”, I was truly happy, but I think I was self-deluded in many ways. Eventually, I grew up and began to realize it, but I think she did first. It was probably inevitable, could I have stayed fooled forever?

      My other fear is I might repeat that same mistake. I think I did with Sierra for a time. And it could happen again, I could love my idea of a girl more than the girl herself, and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Perhaps with more soul searching I can learn to separate the two. I feel I have a lot left to explore in this regard.

      Sorry to pass my melancholy off on you, that’s what blogging does for me, it is a sponge to absorb my emotions. Lol, maltesers are hard to find, at least in the stores around here, enjoy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So you loved her, or at least believed you loved her, for five or six years. That’s quite a while to keep the blinkers on, I suppose… Well I can tell you that romance can last longer than that at least, although I have never fallen in love with my idea of a person before so I’m not sure about that aspect of it. Maybe knowing that about yourself now will make it easier to watch out for? Like a weakness that you can somehow brace now that you’re aware of it?

        I have eaten my bag of Maltesers and am now feeling back to my bubbly self!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Yeah, I’m the king of self-delusion. I wonder now how much of it was real and how much wasn’t? Or maybe that isn’t something to worry about, maybe it was all as real as it gets, we are probably getting too existential here. But you are right, I know better now and I can hopefully avoid the pitfall next time.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. If it lasts decades is it fair to say it was real love but it faded/died/ended for reasons, rather than that you had blinkers on all that time? DECADES seems like an impossibly long time to lie to yourself…

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Love does crazy things. Some of us are slow to admit when things are not right. I’m sure you’ve heard or seen relationships, even abusive ones, where they stay together for years rather than face the truth. It’s very difficult to see sometimes from within the relationship. I know it took a sharp change in my life for me to look back and see it for what it is. You can still be in love with the person. I am still in love with my wife. But there are serious problems in our relationship that I could not see for what they are for years!

              Decades does seem long, but I bet there are couples that stay married to the grave with lies. Before divorce was as common as it is today I would bet it was even more common.

              Liked by 2 people

  2. A classic case of falling in love with the idea of falling in love maybe…? Those are the worst love stories because you want to blame the other person for turning into someone different than who you first started dating, but some come to realize that it is just the illusion fading away; that they are the same, just without the rose colored tint.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Pretty much. Makes you wonder if “real” love exists. I like to believe it does, that you can really appreciate someone for who they are, flaws and all, and not just overlook, ignore them, and make excuses for them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that’s what friendship is… love is more abstract in my mind. I’m with you though; I love the idea of love, and hope that in the end, true love eventually finds me. I even hope it to be real in my Fella. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  3. I have found that you can’t go looking for love. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Just because Sierra broke your heart doesn’t mean the next girl will or won’t. She seemed to love to play games with you and wasn’t serious. Mostly due to her young age. I think your luck may be starting to change though…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No question, Sierra never loved me, I knew it from the beginning and I told myself to keep my distance, but somehow, it happened. I feel for the girl actually, I’m wondering if she’ll ever know love, she is a very hollow, shallow, vain person, not that that made me love her any less for my part. Which at this point, I know most of it was love of an illusion since many things about her aren’t really things I can appreciate.

      I think your luck may be starting to change though…

      Why do you say that? Lol, got some insider knowledge to share? Or just optimistic?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You worry about if you fall in love and they love you back, what would that mean for you? Let me tell you, it sucks. I mean it’s wonderful except for the parts where you either have to give up that love to keep your life in tact or destroy your life to follow the new love. That is where I find myself.

    I’m not sure what you are looking for with these women, but keeping it physical is a smart thing. If you want another emotional life partner just end it with your wife now and start the new search. Trust me, it’s much better for the heart than what I’m going through now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Mr. Patience. I’m sure I should listen to you, you know better than anyone. But, I’m worried I may end up stubbornly taking my own path and finding out for myself. I don’t know what I want in many ways. My greatest concern is for my son, and also my wife. Can I give up time with my son, miss out on those moments of him growing up and being a father to him every day to seek another partner? I don’t know if I could do that even if I found a new love. That’s exactly the predicament you are advising me to avoid, I know, and you are probably right.

      Liked by 1 person

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