Prologue Part 1: The Nice Asshole

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.

Our story must start somewhere after all. I’ll try not to start at the very beginning, but we’ve got a lot to cover folks, so sorry if this gets wordy. If you want to get to the juicy stuff, you may want to wait for the future posts.

One thing you will quickly learn about me is a I’m a fucking idiot (besides being an asshole), and make no mistake, I take full responsibility. Still, I may as well explain a few things which led me to this point. I was raised a conservative Christian. I was always scrawny, wore glasses. I grew up learning that appearances count for nothing and physical attraction is vanity. Happiness was serving God, and had nothing to do with your lifestyle or other actions you may take. I was told by everyone, my family, my friends, girls I knew, that one day a girl was going to come along and see me for who I really was and we’d fall in love and get married and everything would be hunky-dory. Spoiler: that’s not what happened. I had bought into the nice-guy myth that so many Christians buy into: that the nice guy gets the girl, and if he doesn’t, that girl was just a slut on her way to hell, unworthy of his time and attention. Premarital sex was the devil. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, I was horny all the time, I masturbated regularly and started collecting a secret stash of internet porn. Nobody ever gave me any advice on women besides what I’ve mentioned. So, I waited and waited for the right girl to come to me. And I watched as all these girls I was attracted to dated and slept with these other guys. I became vindictive. I alternated between thinking myself to be too good for these “sluts” and being afraid that I wasn’t good enough: that I was too ugly, too stupid, too uninteresting to ever be worthy of any feminine attention ever.

When I finally decided to put myself out there, I purposefully approached women I thought I was too good for (how ironic that I could even think that). I figured I couldn’t possibly attract really beautiful women, so I needed to set my sights low. I failed miserably with the first two women, I hid my intentions by trying to be their friends and then tried to transition to something more, and sure enough, I failed. Somehow it worked the third time. This girl was overweight, but pretty, and fun to be around and though I started with the friend’s route somehow we transitioned to boyfriend-girlfriend. Perhaps it was because she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship (with a guy she’d had sex with of course). Now that I had a girlfriend, what I’d been told by everyone (particularly girls and movies) is you need to spoil a girl and treat her like a princess to impress her. Flowers and cards weekly, bottles of wine (we are the drinking brand of Christians at least), fancy dinners, constant lovey-dovey text messages and expressions of love. I was a virgin and we were both conservative Christians so we developed a burning physical relationship that never got past second base until we got married. I acknowledge that we never should have gotten married, in fact I had been wanting to break up with her, but I was horny and I was also afraid of what that would do to her if I broke up with her. Amazing what a stupid and naive coward I was (am). I cringe reading and writing this. I thought I was being loving to her, doing what I thought was best by avoiding hurting her feelings through a break-up, in reality I was being selfish by not telling her my true feelings and leading her on. She deserved better, I failed, and that is my biggest regret (or I like to think it is when I’m feeling noble and not like a selfish prick).

We finally have sex after we are married. It was wonderful, if awkward, but I thought, ‘now I’m married, I can finally have sex all the time just like I always wanted’. Sure enough, that lasted a few months. I can’t blame my wife, I’m the stupid douche who thought the world worked this way, when it doesn’t. The sex trails off, gets worse and worse, she was never really involved much to begin with. Neither of us were terribly experienced, and both of us had major relationship problems to boot. But we figure (as Christians), we are stuck together for life now. We argue all the time, we try relationship self-help books, counseling with our pastor. We alternate between brief periods of marital semi-happiness and crushing lows of bitterness, pain, and hurt.

Regarding Comments

I’d appreciate honest, thoughtful comments. But please don’t waste your’s and my time with flaming, trolling, and judgmental stuff. Yeah, I get it, I’m a morally depraved jerk, and yes I’m doing it all wrong and fucking my life up more. Perhaps if you laid bare your life to everyone they wouldn’t see the incredible flaws that are clearly visible in my life. Perhaps you are better than me (wouldn’t surprise me). But, I don’t care to hear it honestly. My point with this blog is to get this stuff off my chest and hopefully it will help others avoid the same mistakes. I appreciate thoughtful comments,  and I have a pretty thick skin, but please don’t try to be intentionally hurtful.

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17 thoughts on “Prologue Part 1: The Nice Asshole

  1. “But we figure (as Christians), we are stuck together for life now” …. maybe she’ll have an affair. At that point, you’re free to leave her, even as a Christian.

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  2. Hard to hit “like”when your post sounds so sad but since I didn’t really have a comment to make I figured it was better than just walking away. 🙂
    ~~sinful

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  3. Thank you for writing so well. I understand the trap, the dead bedroom, the pain, the escape. You are not alone. We have to survive emotionally with what courage we can muster, and deal with being imperfect humans. I wish peace for you, and myself as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It sounds like it! I’ll have to read more of your posts to get a fuller picture, but really, dishonesty and lack of communication is at the heart of every relationship issue. Often it isn’t that we are intentionally dishonest, it often is due to the baggage we acquire as we grow up, we fool ourselves into believing so many things and they make us dishonest with ourselves first, and then with those we have relationships with. It is terrible to lose all that time or to become caught in an unfortunate situation because of this. Like you felt you flushed 3 years down the drain with your ex, I felt I’d flushed 6 months down the drain with my future wife, but then my solution was to marry her (the height of stupidity). I just wish I could turn back the clock, I wish I could redo it all knowing what I know now, but I can’t. All I can do is hope I can help my son not repeat my mistakes.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay, finally found the “start here” and you had it marked and everything and I still missed it 😉 Now I’m on board with the back story. And I know we already sort of had this conversation- but we could’ve grown up in the same house. I’m with a guy I met at 15 and married at 18. I never was with anyone else. And although the sex is and has always been amazing- sometimes it feels like friends with benefits. Does that make sense? I have known him long enough that the reality is, a lot of the spice is gone and I don’t feel like I had an opportunity to sow my wild oats. It was that whole mind set that you have to leave your parent’s and go right into being married. My home life was awful and I wanted to escape- enters marriage. I’m so feeling this post to my core. ❤

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    1. I’ve always assumed that if my wife just actually wanted to have sex with me, then I would be satisfied with my marriage and I’d have no desire to cheat. But, your experience now makes me question that. I realize that a big part of my desire is that I jumped into marriage, not really having any proper relationship experience and never having been given even remotely decent relationship advice. Now, I seek to have all those experiences I missed, unfortunately that puts me an unfaithful position. Like you, now I want to “sow my wild oats”.

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      1. That was kind of my thought of your situation too. But didn’t want to say that. Now not to say that some marriages don’t last or overcome, but… My parents have been married 40 years this year and are separating. Makes me question everything even more 😦

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        1. I don’t know what to make of much these days. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. My parents split up when I was a preteen. But, growing up in a Christian environment, I know far too many 40+ year marriages that seem happy. But who knows, people look at my wife and me and think we have it perfect, they don’t know what it is like inside. We take it for granted that if we find the right person, our soul mate, we’ll want to be with them the rest of our life, it is the cultural myth we’ve heard since birth. The perfect marriage will never grow stale, we’ll never long for anyone else, it may be work, but it is work you’ll gladly do. I still want to believe it. Even if the converse would justify my actions, because if the myth was wrong then I could just say that marriage is sham and is not a recipe for happiness. I still want to dream that the myth is true. Or maybe it can only be true for some, and not everyone, not for those who were born lustful, like us.

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            1. I don’t talk about it much here. To be perfectly honest, I’m not a Christian anymore as of this last year, but i’m still going through the motions. Everyone thinks I am. My whole family, my wife’s family, my wife, my friends. We go to Church. I’m still an assistant youth pastor even, I teach Bible classes, organize events, I am the webmaster for the church website, and serve on the worship team (musician). I do like working with high school and college age kids, makes me feel young. And… I just came to a bad realization that I’ve been having sex with two girls that are younger than some of the college kids in the youth group… See how much I keep my two lives separate that I never really acknowledged that. I put on my different hats and go about my business and nary the two meet, like I’m two different men.

              I don’t really think about it much really, but I have quite the house of cards on my hands. It seems futile and pointless to be going about things as I’ve been, but honestly, I’m new to all this, only been up to it since September (well besides the year of creeping in that direction). I thought it would be a short lived thing, I’d have one foolish fling, and then things would go back to normal, but it doesn’t seem to be going that direction.

              Liked by 1 person

  5. You seriously crack me up. I know well the married man like you who appears to be something, and I just secretly laugh to myself about who he is with me. (NO JUDGEMENT!) For real, it is just funny how we all feel like we need to play a charade when so many of us are on the same boat.

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