Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.
Our story must start somewhere after all. I’ll try not to start at the very beginning, but we’ve got a lot to cover folks, so sorry if this gets wordy. If you want to get to the juicy stuff, you may want to wait for the future posts.
One thing you will quickly learn about me is a I’m a fucking idiot (besides being an asshole), and make no mistake, I take full responsibility. Still, I may as well explain a few things which led me to this point. I was raised a conservative Christian. I was always scrawny, wore glasses. I grew up learning that appearances count for nothing and physical attraction is vanity. Happiness was serving God, and had nothing to do with your lifestyle or other actions you may take. I was told by everyone, my family, my friends, girls I knew, that one day a girl was going to come along and see me for who I really was and we’d fall in love and get married and everything would be hunky-dory. Spoiler: that’s not what happened. I had bought into the nice-guy myth that so many Christians buy into: that the nice guy gets the girl, and if he doesn’t, that girl was just a slut on her way to hell, unworthy of his time and attention. Premarital sex was the devil. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, I was horny all the time, I masturbated regularly and started collecting a secret stash of internet porn. Nobody ever gave me any advice on women besides what I’ve mentioned. So, I waited and waited for the right girl to come to me. And I watched as all these girls I was attracted to dated and slept with these other guys. I became vindictive. I alternated between thinking myself to be too good for these “sluts” and being afraid that I wasn’t good enough: that I was too ugly, too stupid, too uninteresting to ever be worthy of any feminine attention ever.
When I finally decided to put myself out there, I purposefully approached women I thought I was too good for (how ironic that I could even think that). I figured I couldn’t possibly attract really beautiful women, so I needed to set my sights low. I failed miserably with the first two women, I hid my intentions by trying to be their friends and then tried to transition to something more, and sure enough, I failed. Somehow it worked the third time. This girl was overweight, but pretty, and fun to be around and though I started with the friend’s route somehow we transitioned to boyfriend-girlfriend. Perhaps it was because she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship (with a guy she’d had sex with of course). Now that I had a girlfriend, what I’d been told by everyone (particularly girls and movies) is you need to spoil a girl and treat her like a princess to impress her. Flowers and cards weekly, bottles of wine (we are the drinking brand of Christians at least), fancy dinners, constant lovey-dovey text messages and expressions of love. I was a virgin and we were both conservative Christians so we developed a burning physical relationship that never got past second base until we got married. I acknowledge that we never should have gotten married, in fact I had been wanting to break up with her, but I was horny and I was also afraid of what that would do to her if I broke up with her. Amazing what a stupid and naive coward I was (am). I cringe reading and writing this. I thought I was being loving to her, doing what I thought was best by avoiding hurting her feelings through a break-up, in reality I was being selfish by not telling her my true feelings and leading her on. She deserved better, I failed, and that is my biggest regret (or I like to think it is when I’m feeling noble and not like a selfish prick).
We finally have sex after we are married. It was wonderful, if awkward, but I thought, ‘now I’m married, I can finally have sex all the time just like I always wanted’. Sure enough, that lasted a few months. I can’t blame my wife, I’m the stupid douche who thought the world worked this way, when it doesn’t. The sex trails off, gets worse and worse, she was never really involved much to begin with. Neither of us were terribly experienced, and both of us had major relationship problems to boot. But we figure (as Christians), we are stuck together for life now. We argue all the time, we try relationship self-help books, counseling with our pastor. We alternate between brief periods of marital semi-happiness and crushing lows of bitterness, pain, and hurt.
I’d appreciate honest, thoughtful comments. But please don’t waste your’s and my time with flaming, trolling, and judgmental stuff. Yeah, I get it, I’m a morally depraved jerk, and yes I’m doing it all wrong and fucking my life up more. Perhaps if you laid bare your life to everyone they wouldn’t see the incredible flaws that are clearly visible in my life. Perhaps you are better than me (wouldn’t surprise me). But, I don’t care to hear it honestly. My point with this blog is to get this stuff off my chest and hopefully it will help others avoid the same mistakes. I appreciate thoughtful comments, and I have a pretty thick skin, but please don’t try to be intentionally hurtful.