Somebody to Love

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

I steadied the rifle on the wooden rail, the telescopic sight swaying slightly, held my breath for a moment then exhaled slowly and squeezed the trigger.
“Nice!” Saul cried.
A small puff of smoke rose from the impact of the small pellet from the air rifle, but seconds later the small battery pack was billowing smoke and scorching the dirt and concrete around it. We’d spent all afternoon trying to blow up these battery packs. After all the hullabaloo regarding lithium-ion batteries exploding in phones, we thought these massive cell packs used to power small electric bike motors should give a good fireworks show, but after overcharging them up the wazoo with a 6 volt charger, then plugging them into a 12 volt car battery we could only make them puff and grow hot (while we hid safely behind a wall 30 feet away) but no explosions or smoke. Finally, we’d taken the puffing overcharged packs and put them against the concrete wall in Saul’s backyard and taken turns with the air rifle putting pellet after pellet into them before I finally caught one on fire.

This scene would have made perfect sense 10+ years ago, but Saul and I were in our thirties. The days of dry ice bombs, roman candles, bottle rockets, potato canons, home made explosives and flamethrowers were supposed to be behind us, right? But, here we were, spending a Saturday afternoon smoking hookah, drinking tea, and trying to blow things up again. Not to say it isn’t just as much fun as it always was, but I’m still having difficulty finding fulfillment in my life. I’m realizing that the most fulfilling times, the times I felt satisfied and happy were the times when I felt love. When I was a kid and I was with my family and everyone was happy to be together. When my future wife and I were laying on the grass in the park holding each others’ hands. When I was holding my son on my lap and my wife was next to me on the couch. To be honest, even when I was laying with Sierra and she was sharing her heart with me, which only happened two, maybe three times that she really opened up to me. I know I still have love in my life. I have Saul, I have my sister and brother in law. I have my son, but the times that I do see him make my heart burn for the times I can’t see him. I have Her, but the fact that she is so far also makes my heart burn in much the same way. And my heart breaks every time I think of my soon to be ex-wife. I can see so clearly what I’d given up now. Having a son and a wife to care for every day was one of the best things that I’d ever had going for me. Sure, it wasn’t the most fun sometimes, sometimes it could be exhausting, sometimes it could be a prison, sometimes it was exacerbating dealing with my wife, especially her indifference to me, but at the end of the day I felt happy. Granted, I felt happier still when I was in the arms of another woman, but that portion turned out to be unsustainable and cost me the rest. Despite my immoral behavior, the overall good I was able to do in my life outweighed it. I could be a good husband (arguably) and father. I could care for the needs of my family, I could sacrifice my time and energy and resources and love. In the end, I couldn’t have both. I couldn’t satisfy my desire for romantic and erotic love and keep my family.

On Sunday, it seemed like a no-brainer to me that I should give my wife flowers and a card for Mother’s Day. It turned into an emotional roller coaster I wasn’t prepared for. I picked out a bouquet in a vase with a red bow, and a card with a photo of the sun setting over the pier where my wife and I had gone on some early dates. I thought carefully about what I should say before putting ink to the card. An apology seemed natural, but I kept my focus on her good traits as a mother and how appreciative I was of those, and how much of a positive effect she had had on my life. I dropped off the card and flowers while I knew she’d be gone with the baby at Church. I expected a text later, it would either be a curt ‘thank you’ or indignation that I would dare to give her a gift. Turned out to be the latter. My tears had all been cried while writing the card, so there was nothing left when she told me she had thrown the card and flowers in the trash. I still just feel empty. I feel I have all this love to share, and no one to share it with. Even though I know that’s not entirely the case. The real case is that I have love to share but the people I want to share it with, I can’t, either because I’ve burned the bridge or they are too far away. I remember this very discussion would be had by folks at church whenever someone ‘fell away’ from God and returned to the world of sin as I had. Anytime the fallen fall on hard times, or became unhappy, or got mixed up in something, the answer was always the same “they no longer have God in their lives, so they had to fill up their empty life with something,” you could fill in the blank, whether it was alcohol, drugs, women/men, joining a cult, etc. I knew what people would be saying about me. It is tempting to go back, to try to get my wife to take me back, to get my church to take me back. I know repenting of my wicked behavior is one thing, but professing beliefs about God I’m not sure are warranted and wanting back into a marriage which was clearly toxic are other things entirely. I have to remember this is all a process, and much as I want to take the quick and easy path and return to the familiar, I know that I have to forge ahead into the unknown, moving forward through the shadows of uncertainty and doubt. Maybe they are all right. Maybe my life is now empty because God and family are gone. And my life will never be whole again until I realize that and come back. But, I have to find out for myself. I want people in my life I can love and that love me for who I am, however long it takes to find them. Especially that one person I can share my life with.

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17 thoughts on “Somebody to Love

  1. It’ll be okay. It gets better. I winced a bit when I read the part about the photo of the pier where you’d had early dates. If I were her I probably would have seen that as an attempt at emotional manipulation, so I can understand her anger.

    Also… Dude! “This scene would have made perfect sense 10+ years ago, but Saul and I were in our thirties. The days of dry ice bombs, roman candles, bottle rockets, potato canons, home made explosives and flamethrowers were supposed to be behind us, right?”

    You’d swear you were in your SEVENTIES the way you write sometimes! Why, for the love of God, should any of that be behind you?! You need to re-evaluate your age, man!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She did think I was trying to manipulate her. To what end?! I don’t want anything from her really at all. Sure, friendship would be nice, but even in my heart I know I’m not ready for that yet either. From my perspective I want to salvage all the good that can be had from our relationship, I want to hold onto the good times and the love, but she’s made it clear she’d rather forget all of it, burn what’s left to the ground. I can understand her wanting to do that, sometimes total destruction seems like a shortcut to avoiding a necessarily painful process, but it leaves very unfortunate scars in my experience. I’m glad I’m out of the situation with her, she never healed from the scars of her past relationships and they continued to haunt us. As sad as it is, it seems this is all for the best.

      Lol, I never said I was going to stop setting fire to and blowing stuff up, but I’ll still classify it as immature!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know what end. I gues… why did you buy that particular card rather than a generic one? You wanted to provoke a reaction right? Stir a memory, maybe make her feel some good associations? But she’s probably too hurt right now for any good memories to do anything but sting like hell. She won’t forget everything but at the moment it’s a bit like staring at the sun. It burns. After some time, possibly quite a long time, she’ll be able to look back and remember the good and feel a sort of remote feeling of happiness, but not now and probably not anytime particularly soon…

        And HEY! It’s not immature. It’s adventure!

        *mumbles and hides fireworks and plushy unicorn slippers in the closet*

        Liked by 1 person

        1. No sense in trying to divine what she thought. I think this is a men are from mars case, lol, sense my female readers have all alerted me, “yeah, that comes off as manipulative”. I should have known better. I just thought she’d like the card, it wasn’t even that the place was all that special to “us” per se, just that it was a pretty scene and she’d been to the spot many times before and after we were dating. But, you are all absolutely right, I was being very foolish and not thinking ahead. I keep falling into this trap of thinking that I can fix things by trying to be nice and showing a little love, but I can’t. I realize now that I’m treating her as I’d want to be treated if I was in her place, but that isn’t empathetic to her and where she is at. She isn’t the same as me, and I need to be sensitive to that. I just need to give her her space, and stop all this nonsense.

          Hehe, whatever you have to tell yourself, I’ll say ‘immature’ still, but let’s break out those fireworks and unicorn slippers and party!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I think with time you may realize you have found god, through all this, rather than having abandoned him. I’m so sorry you feel empty, but if I recall you sometimes suffered from ennui even before separating from your wife. It may have nothing to do with outward circumstances, love or sex, but rather something within yourself that you need to acknowledge. Chin up my dear and feel better.

    Once again we have weird song synchronicity. This song is the song that played the first time V and I “simu-listened” to the same station while driving (we both listen to the old fashioned radio).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so. And I know you’re right, there was certainly moments of ennui before. And it isn’t all outward circumstances, a lot of it has to do with me. I know I need to make the best choices I can from here on out for my own happiness and the happiness of others.

      Hehe, we’ve always had that going for us. But, I wish there was a decent oldie’s station around here. Every time I turn on the “classic” rock station it is is Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive or Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water. I could swear they just have those two songs on repeat!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. I can only imagine the pain and the shock and how I’ve turned her whole world upside down and pulled the rug out from under her. It must be so horrible and I want so badly to erase it all, barring that, I want to do everything I can to help her heal, but everything I do seems to just make it worse. It was a foolish gesture, seems that I should just keep my distance as much as is possible while still trying to be a father to my son.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think maybe picking a romantic card like that was overkill. If X did something like that for me, I’d think he was trying to worm his way back into my life. Just my two cents though. You just have to let her be mad. You keep trying to make it right won’t make it right. She needs time and space. You can’t make her happy right now, you need to accept that and try to move on with your life as best you can.

    Never too old to fuck off with an old friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wasn’t trying to pick a romantic card really. I mean, we were just friends when we started going to that pier together, we’d fish off it and talk and watch the sunset. She said how much she liked going there, so I just thought she’d like the card. Romance wasn’t the idea, I definitely wasn’t trying to “win” her back or manipulate her, I was just trying to tell her what a good mother I think she is and how much I appreciate that about her. But, you’re right, I wasn’t thinking, in hindsight it was a dumb thing to do. I keep feeling so bad and wanted to try to do something to lessen the pain for her, but I really just end up making it worse.

      Hear, hear, never plan to stop fucking off with old and new friends.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a nice gesture from you . After some time, possibly quite a long time, she’ll be able to look back and remember the good and feel a sort of remote feeling of happiness, but not now and probably not anytime particularly soon…
    And HEY!

    Liked by 1 person

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