Hold Me in the Dark

A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.

“L’Chaim,” we said raising our glasses after the prayers were over and we could begin our meal together.
I hadn’t had dinner with my older sister in months. I always forget how weird her and her husband are. I think I understood more of the blessings sung in Hebrew that just took place than the dinner conversation, I mean, only half the conversation was even in English, the other half was a mixture of French, Mandarin, Yiddish, and Klingon. And half the time I didn’t understand the parts in English.

My family’s reaction to my cheating had been varied. My younger sister and Grandmother were in tears and the sight of me made them sick. My father and step-mother were terribly concerned about the prospect of divorce, but my father was using it as an opportunity to try to reach out and repair our long broken relationship. My wife’s family had completely disowned me and pretty much all of them stated they’d never talk to me again if we proceed with divorce. In contrast, my older sister was borderline jubilant, she’d never been a big fan of my wife, or my faith, and she seemed happy I’d joined her on the dark side, and also replaced her as the black sheep of the family. The favorite son had fallen from grace.

The wine flowed freely that evening, and then my sister broke out her favorite pipe, ‘El Zorro’ and loaded it with the ground up buds of the most beautiful fuzzy blue cannabis I’d ever seen. I’m not much of a marijuana smoker to be honest, I partake at the occasional circle at a bar or at a friend’s home, and smoked with Sierra regularly, but that was it. My sister and I have always been blessed with naturally high tolerances for the stuff, which I consider a curse if your friend needs to smoke down his/her stash considerably just to get you high. Even after two bowls I’ll generally feel only slightly relaxed, never silly or hallucinating. My brother in-law stopped after two hits complaining of already feeling too high, so my sister and I continued the smoking circle, the pungent herb smoke filling the room until it was cloudy. By the time I realized I was viewing myself in third person acting like a stoner, we were half way through the second bowl together. I had to try to control myself, but I felt I had become a marionette trying vainly to control a puppet with a life of its own. He kept staring at his stoned companions then bursting into obnoxious laughter along with them.
“Hmm, you know what these matzos need? Brie. Or perhaps Camembert.” Said my brother in law chewing a matzos cracker.
“Her bush was scary, I mean, apparently she trimmed and brushed it carefully, but still…” Replied my sister.
Discussion topics flowed freely in stream of consciousness. I had this perpetual sense of falling, like I was in a dream, my legs were jelly and I couldn’t stand. Tingles ran up and down my body in banded waves. We laughed, drank, and smoked. We didn’t talk about me or my behavior really, except when it became one on one for brief moments when my sister or brother in-law would leave the room.

“Whether you are talking about death of a human being, or a relationship, there is always a mourning process,” I said to my brother in-law as the conversation had taken a serious turn when my sister left to go buy another bottle of wine at the liquor store.
“…That is the most mature thing I’ve ever heard anyone from your family say about loss, and you’ve all seen a lot of that,” he replied.

“I had a 30 minute conversation about sex with Grandma last night,” I said during my serious conversation with my sister when her husband ran to the restroom.
My sister looked disgusted as she smoked a cigarette by the open window, “Oh fuck, that must have been awful.”
“Yeah, she tried to convince me that all women get tired of sex and just do it as a duty after few months into a marriage.”
“Well, I mean, eventually it gets less exciting once the NRE wears off, but that is why I enjoy having an open relationship. But, it can still be great, just important to find someone you are sexually compatible with.”
“It seems whatever choice I make is a bad one, but it seems towards divorce is the only honest choice.”
“You will always have us, if you need anything, we’ve been where you are.”

The evening disappeared into a cloudy haze.


6 thoughts on “Hold Me in the Dark

    1. I’m realizing that, it is almost like a breath of fresh air. It is something I didn’t realize before, I don’t have all eyes on me all the time now. I don’t have people patting me on the back at family dinners and at church and saying what a great family man and “on fire” Christian I am. I’m naked and exposed for who I am now, and there is no pressure to keep up appearances.

      Liked by 1 person

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