The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.
“My wife can’t wait till 7 so we do it as soon as I get home. So, just got to my car, here we go. Whatever happens, I love you.” I texted as I unlocked the car.
“I love you too baby. I’ll be thinking of you.” came the final reply.
She had been an amazing comfort throughout the last few days as the threads of my life began to unravel, and it became clear that I’d have to come clean. She’d shared the whole day with me, but from here I had to continue into the gathering darkness alone, and hoped there would be a dawn. I was about to blow over the whole stack of cards, send the whole world crashing down around myself and everyone I loved. I had gotten off the phone with my pastor moments earlier, it was too late to go back now, I’d confessed to him already, and he would be there when I got home to confess to my wife. I’d spent the last few days in damage control since my wife had seen that fateful message window. I’d tried to say that the blog was just me dealing with some feelings and it had some very personal things, and some embarrassing things about my wife that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. I said I’d developed some friendships with those in the blogging community and communicated with some of them privately, and that was the message window my wife had seen. Try as my wife did to get me to show her all of this, I refused. She finally gave me an ultimatum: show her everything, or she can’t go on with me. I still wouldn’t show her everything, but I would tell her all. Part of me thought I shouldn’t even do that. Part of me said, ‘write a fake blog with fake posts and share that with her, or just show her the messages and say you were having an emotional affair.’ But, I was mentally exhausted, completely spent, tired of the lies. It was time to give up Naive Adulterer. He and Jason would need to become one man. My wife deserved to know the truth after all this, much as I knew it would shatter her world.
It was the longest drive home ever. I finally pulled up to the driveway, and walked inside. My wife was at the bottom of the stairs, a friend had taken the baby for a few hours so the house was empty, the pastor pulled up just then, I was glad he was there. We sat down at the dining table, my wife’s face painted with concern, the pastor’s with a stern grimace from the severe pain he was trying to hide of the boy he’d known since birth that had destroyed his life, and the life of his wife and child.
“What’s this about, Jason?” She asked.
I stared at the table, unable to begin.
“Have you been unfaithful?”
I finally managed, “Yes.”
My wife breathed out heavily, her face drooped with disappointment.
“How could you.” She whispered, holding back tears, finally she asked “Who was she?”
“Her name… was Anne.” I choked, trying to hold back my own tears, I knew the tremendous hurt each word inflicted upon my wife’s soul.
My wife’s face was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak, she’d turned bright red. The pastor just stared off into space, in utter disbelief.
“Did you see her more than once?” She asked.
“How many times?”
“I’m not sure, six, seven times, I think.”
“How could you, you bastard.” Tears streamed down my wife’s face as we cried for a few moments.
Finally, the pastor broke in. “Jason, you need to tell her about the rest.”
“There was another?” My wife asked, surprised.
“Yes.” I breathed deeply between the tears.
“Who was she?”
“Her name was Sierra.”
The words struck my wife like bullets, wounding her deeply.
“How many times were you with Sierra? When did it start, and when did it end?”
“I’m not sure, I think about six or seven times as well, maybe more, it started in October and ended in mid-December.” I spoke more evenly now, just letting the tears come and stream down my face and onto my shirt and tie, and rolled up sleeves lying limp across the table.
“You bastard, how could you. Was that it?”
I paused, not wishing to go on, but I knew I had to. “No.”
The word hit her like a freight train.
“Jason! Three? Three women? All behind my back? While I was at home caring for your son?” She cried, her voice full of indignation, “Who was this third girl?”
“How many times were you with Lisa?”
“Are there any more?”
“How many times with Nancy?”
“Is that it?”
“No, there is one more.”
My wife was exhausted at this point, in utter disbelief as her world crashed around her.
“Tell me.” She whispered.
“Her name is ——, but I’ve never met her in person, she’s the one you saw messages from.”
“Ok, so, she was supposed to be the next girl.”
“I don’t know, she is different than the others. I don’t know what will happen.”
“What will happen? Do you want to be with this girl instead of me? To run away with her? Do you love her?”
“I don’t know… yes, I love her.”
I had come clean. We sat around that table, tears drying in the setting sun over the sea in the distance, stares of disbelief as our minds refused to make sense of what I had done. We wrestled with the double life, the constant deception that I had lived for over six months. More would come out. I had lost my faith, it had eroded away to nothing. Perhaps it had been ill founded, or Satan had entered my heart and sin had seared it till it was dead and black. The pastor promised my wife his full support, and the church’s support, and as he got up to leave, told me he’d pray for my soul, that the little boy he once knew and trusted would come back to God. Nothing more could be decided then. My wife was in complete shock, we all were. I knew in the coming days many people would find out, people at church, our families, many of our friends, they would know the truth about me. The hurt and pain wouldn’t stop here.
This was never supposed to happen like this, I am the destroyer of lives and dreams. What kind of monster am I, that I’d be capable of this?