The Rise & Fall of Naive Adulterer: Part 4

The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.

“My wife can’t wait till 7 so we do it as soon as I get home. So, just got to my car, here we go. Whatever happens, I love you.” I texted as I unlocked the car.
“I love you too baby. I’ll be thinking of you.” came the final reply.
She had been an amazing comfort throughout the last few days as the threads of my life began to unravel, and it became clear that I’d have to come clean. She’d shared the whole day with me, but from here I had to continue into the gathering darkness alone, and hoped there would be a dawn. I was about to blow over the whole stack of cards, send the whole world crashing down around myself and everyone I loved. I had gotten off the phone with my pastor moments earlier, it was too late to go back now, I’d confessed to him already, and he would be there when I got home to confess to my wife. I’d spent the last few days in damage control since my wife had seen that fateful message window. I’d tried to say that the blog was just me dealing with some feelings and it had some very personal things, and some embarrassing things about my wife that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. I said I’d developed some friendships with those in the blogging community and communicated with some of them privately, and that was the message window my wife had seen. Try as my wife did to get me to show her all of this, I refused. She finally gave me an ultimatum: show her everything, or she can’t go on with me. I still wouldn’t show her everything, but I would tell her all. Part of me thought I shouldn’t even do that. Part of me said, ‘write a fake blog with fake posts and share that with her, or just show her the messages and say you were having an emotional affair.’ But, I was mentally exhausted, completely spent, tired of the lies. It was time to give up Naive Adulterer. He and Jason would need to become one man. My wife deserved to know the truth after all this, much as I knew it would shatter her world.

It was the longest drive home ever. I finally pulled up to the driveway, and walked inside. My wife was at the bottom of the stairs, a friend had taken the baby for a few hours so the house was empty, the pastor pulled up just then, I was glad he was there. We sat down at the dining table, my wife’s face painted with concern, the pastor’s with a stern grimace from the severe pain he was trying to hide of the boy he’d known since birth that had destroyed his life, and the life of his wife and child.
“What’s this about, Jason?” She asked.
I stared at the table, unable to begin.
“Have you been unfaithful?”
I finally managed, “Yes.”
My wife breathed out heavily, her face drooped with disappointment.
“How could you.” She whispered, holding back tears, finally she asked “Who was she?”
“Her name… was Anne.” I choked, trying to hold back my own tears, I knew the tremendous hurt each word inflicted upon my wife’s soul.
My wife’s face was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak, she’d turned bright red. The pastor just stared off into space, in utter disbelief.
“Did you see her more than once?” She asked.
“Yes.”
“How many times?”
“I’m not sure, six, seven times, I think.”
“How could you, you bastard.” Tears streamed down my wife’s face as we cried for a few moments.
Finally, the pastor broke in. “Jason, you need to tell her about the rest.”
“There was another?” My wife asked, surprised.
“Yes.” I breathed deeply between the tears.
“Who was she?”
“Her name was Sierra.”
The words struck my wife like bullets, wounding her deeply.
“How many times were you with Sierra? When did it start, and when did it end?”
“I’m not sure, I think about six or seven times as well, maybe more, it started in October and ended in mid-December.” I spoke more evenly now, just letting the tears come and stream down my face and onto my shirt and tie, and rolled up sleeves lying limp across the table.
“You bastard, how could you. Was that it?”
I paused, not wishing to go on, but I knew I had to. “No.”
The word hit her like a freight train.
“Jason! Three? Three women? All behind my back? While I was at home caring for your son?” She cried, her voice full of indignation, “Who was this third girl?”
“Lisa.”
“How many times were you with Lisa?”
“Twice.”
“Are there any more?”
“Yes… Nancy.”
“How many times with Nancy?”
“Three times.”
“Is that it?”
“No, there is one more.”
My wife was exhausted at this point, in utter disbelief as her world crashed around her.
“Tell me.” She whispered.
“Her name is ——, but I’ve never met her in person, she’s the one you saw messages from.”
“Ok, so, she was supposed to be the next girl.”
“I don’t know, she is different than the others. I don’t know what will happen.”
“What will happen? Do you want to be with this girl instead of me? To run away with her? Do you love her?”
“I don’t know… yes, I love her.”

I had come clean. We sat around that table, tears drying in the setting sun over the sea in the distance, stares of disbelief as our minds refused to make sense of what I had done. We wrestled with the double life, the constant deception that I had lived for over six months. More would come out. I had lost my faith, it had eroded away to nothing. Perhaps it had been ill founded, or Satan had entered my heart and sin had seared it till it was dead and black. The pastor promised my wife his full support, and the church’s support, and as he got up to leave, told me he’d pray for my soul, that the little boy he once knew and trusted would come back to God. Nothing more could be decided then. My wife was in complete shock, we all were. I knew in the coming days many people would find out, people at church, our families, many of our friends, they would know the truth about me. The hurt and pain wouldn’t stop here.

This was never supposed to happen like this, I am the destroyer of lives and dreams. What kind of monster am I, that I’d be capable of this?

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19 thoughts on “The Rise & Fall of Naive Adulterer: Part 4

  1. I don’t know you. I don’t know your wife, but thank you for telling her. You do not need to be married. Your true personality is now revealed so she can make plans for her life. I assume you were young, and unformed, when you married. If your faith is gone, if you enjoy trawling/trolling for sex partners then being honest with yourself is growing up. Some people are never going to be monogamous. Be kind to her. Be a good father. Just be prepared for people shunning you and/or praying for you. Be careful. You are stepping through a door that will probably lock behind you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks moi. Yeah. It seems like it is time to be my honest self and stop this charade. I’ll try to still love her and my son just as much as ever, though I may not have that choice, but I hope I do. I’ve made some bad mistakes, I know there is a price to be paid.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can only imagine how painful all of this was to say. To tell your wife what you’ve done. I’m sorry for all the pain you’re going through. Just know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully this new girl can help you through these tough times you’ll be facing. Always here. Always listening. 💗

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks lolita. I appreciate you being there for me. This girl has already done more for me than she knows, I’ve been fortunate. She was just what I needed through this, and what I want for the future.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I teach a class to adults about human behavior. I make a long list of bad behaviors and the top three are always murder, rape and lying. Your wife now has the truth. She can make decisions based on her knowledge. Your input is over. She might want details. That is up to you

    Liked by 1 person

  4. NA sorry you had to settle it all this way. I’m sure it feels a bit like living through a train wreck. On the other hand through it is probably like a weight has been lifted. You can be honest and move forward now. The fallout is going to be long and hard but you can survive this. A new chapter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is, but you are absolutely right, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. I know I’ll survive, even if I can’t see all ends at this point. One day at a time. Thanks!

      Like

    1. Naked and in shock. I’ve been exposed to my family and friends for what I am. Everything seems so uncertain all of the sudden. I feel terrible for the hurt I’m causing so many others, for all the hearts I’ve broken in this. Also, that a weight has been lifted, that I’m finally able to stop the deception and double life and try to become one person for the first time in years. It wasn’t just the adultery, it was also the religion, there was so much fear that I’d be ostracized if I stepped out of line. Now I can be myself, whoever that is, perhaps this is the first time in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If I could stretch out over the internet and give you a koala hug, I would.

        Unfortunately, I can’t and also, my arms are very short. It would be like a T-Rex hug. You’d have to sort of… crumple… Basically it would be uncomfortable.

        On a serious note I can’t help but be glad because I feel like this is a good way forward for you, the split life thing is painful and exhausting and awful. This is also painful and exhausting and awful but at least there’s light at the end of this tunnel instead of a brick wall. You can’t ride two horses with one ass, as they say… Eventually the horses move further apart and either you choose or you fall.

        Have you spoken to Saul?

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        1. Thanks for that, I could use that koala hug about now, lol

          Good metaphor, two horses with one ass. Yeah, the funny thing is, it wasn’t exhausting until it started to come out, it was natural for me. My Grandmother used to say ‘you guys would have been great spies’ about my dad and me. I don’t know how she knew, but apparently leading double lives runs in the family. I’m an INTP, cognitive dissonance comes naturally to me. It helps me in my job since I have to continually think outside the box and deal with contradictory information and uncertainty that could all be true. But, you are right, it isn’t a healthy way to lead a life. And I feel better no longer being constrained in it, even though it wasn’t as difficult for me as I’m sure it would be many others. I hope to never fall into that trap again.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I had to Google the INTP bit – the logician, huh? – but yeah I can see that. I’m an INFP apparently. I hope this opens up the way to a simpler, happier life for you and that your best friends stick through things with you even if it’s not easy.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m not sure it will be the same for you, but after my horrible breakup, when people started shunning me and calling me a whore and a home wrecker, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. To me, it showed me who my real friends were. Who would support me during the hard times. Everyone else didn’t really matter. I hope its the same for you. I’m only sharing this to offer some solace. It will help significantly that you have someone who seems to care for you as much as you seem to care for her. As they say: this too shall pass. Hang in there, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Problem is, for me, I feel they have a point when they show such tremendous disappoint in what I’ve done. Many of these people I’ve loved and respected from my youth and I know they are good people at heart. Many of them, like the pastor, have shown me a lot of love, but all the same, they will shun me, and they may be right to. Who can say? Their love is still clear to me whatever they choose, unless their actions show otherwise. Good advice though, we’ll see what friends I have left in the end. Having Her love is a huge comfort at this time. Though, at my core I know I need to depend on myself to get me through. And more than anything, I need to focus on how to ensure that my wife and child have the best outcomes possible.

      Liked by 1 person

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