The Gay Divorcee

Saul was his usual self, we sat and watched old episodes of Top Gear on his laptop. The sound of the rain was loud outside, all the more audible through the slightly ajar door to his back yard. We had the hookah between us, passing the hose back and forth and blowing out thick clouds of cool lemonade/apple flavored smoke (we couldn’t find enough of each flavor, so we mixed, turned out pretty good). I was pretty distracted that evening, dividing my attention between chatting with Saul, watching the show, and messaging Triana and a new girl I’d just matched with on Tinder, Layla. When I headed over to Saul’s, I had a slight hope that I might be able to arrange something given Triana’s enthusiasm to have me over sometime, so I slipped a couple of condoms into my wallet’s billfold before heading out the door into the rain and driving across town. But, after a few messages back and forth, she went silent before we could make any plans.

Layla, on the other hand, was giving me plenty to talk about. I still have some difficulty believing this woman is in her early thirties, much less a few years older than me. She looks spot on mid-twenties, tops. Aside from a youthful appearance, she is the right combination of cute and beautiful that I find very alluring. Kind of like Sierra. A fox, but kind of a cutsie Disney fox, but with tons of ‘sexy’ thrown in. Her race is also difficult to place, perhaps a combination of Asian, white, and/or Latina thrown in there. Full lips, sweet eyes, stylish hair (but with a tinge of attitude), tattoos, nice curves on a small, thin frame. We immediately were finding that we had a lot in common, in fact, we were born at the same hospital just a few years apart. We both worked in the same field. She was a relatively recent divorcee with two young kids. She lives down near her ex-husband who the kids live with, but visits regularly up by me for work. I saw some similarities between us. If I divorced my wife the next day, I wouldn’t be surprised if I found myself in a similar situation to this woman when I turn her age, seeing her kids a couple times a week and then traveling for work. If she makes it work, perhaps I could. Something to consider at least.

The evening was getting late though. I always try to be home by 10 pm to avoid arousing too much suspicion with my wife. I’m not sure why I bother, she accuses me of going to see a girl every time I leave the house, and again when I get back. Still, I kept back and forth with Layla, and we watched a few too many episodes of Top Gear/Grand Tour. It was 11 pm when we put out the hookah’s coals and started cleaning up. I came back from the restroom to discover my wallet was missing.
“Hey dude, you dropped your wallet, it is there on the table.”
My heart skipped a beat, it was there, along with the rubbers still in the bill fold. My only worry was if my wallet fell out of my pocket, the condoms might have fallen out on the floor. If Saul saw them, there was pretty much only one conclusion he could have came to, and I still hadn’t told him about my cheating and wasn’t convinced I should. In any case, I can’t be worrying about that.
“Ahh, thanks, should I check to make sure all the money is there?”
He chuckled. I said my goodbyes and was on my way out into the rain to the car.

I had been continuing my conversation to Layla on Tinder throughout. I drove down the road a bit, and parked off to the side while continuing to message her. When I found a lull in the conversation, I knew it was time to pop the question. It is one of those things, you often start with some small talk, getting to know one another, make sure you are both not totally nuts and that they aren’t just in it to discover your identity and blackmail you, and to discover that you have some chemistry, sexual and/or emotional (if they can be fully separated). Then, I’ve always believed it is my role at some point to make that break from platonic conversation and flirting to an overt gesture (guess that is just an old fashioned male point of view). It is always nerve racking finding that right moment (much like kissing a girl for the first time). I generally don’t have to worry if I make it to that point, as long as I’ve been up front enough in my profile/ad that they approached me in the first place and persisted in conversation with me to this point, I know it is just a matter of not coming off as creepy or awkward. I felt those points with Anne, and Sierra, and Lisa (and several others that almost made it but didn’t pan out because of schedules or insurmountable difficulties), I could tell, it seemed to be going there, chances were good. Most of the time, it is pretty obvious when it is going nowhere, that the connection is just missing. Of course, it isn’t a guarantee. I felt many times it was going there with Elle, and then we’d just end up going around in circles, but she is a special case. In this case with Layla, I waited until we’d had just enough talk about work, and decided it was time to transition. It is always a holding of breath before the plunge, but we came back out of the water on this one:

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So, we successfully transitioned to potential FWB’s and moved to SMS text messages. I sent her my pic and she didn’t immediately run screaming in the opposite direction, but it was getting late, and I needed to get home. We said our goodnights, and planned to talk again soon. It almost seems too perfect: we have a ton of chemistry in interests and mutual physical attraction, and she’ll be up regularly and can host. We’ll just have to see what happens, but I’m feeling good. As the old adage, “when it rains, it pours,” seems that between Triana, Anne, Layla, and Lisa I’m being inundated by serious attention lately. Of course, tomorrow they could all ghost me and I’d be back at square one, but seems like some steps in the right direction. My wife was practically livid that I didn’t get back till 11:30 pm, this was damning evidence to her that I’d been out fucking another woman. Well, it is the thought that counts they say, in which case, I’m guilty as charged.

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24 thoughts on “The Gay Divorcee

  1. I definitely think leaving your wife would be best for both of you. You could fuck around with reckless abandon and meet someone you’re actually compatible with and she could start over and stop feeling crazy for being gaslighted about something that’s true but that she has no proof of.

    It always is interesting to me, as someone who was brought up Catholic (Catholic all-girls’ school and all), how people really buy into the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing as something that will make your relationship stronger. In reality, sex is a really big part of a relationship. Life is long. You need someone who is good, giving and game as Dan Savage would say. Someone who matches you libido-wise. Someone who is compatible in terms of kinks you might want to explore.

    If any of that is missing, massive resentment sets in. Resentment KILLS relationships, whether you’re married or not. Marriage isn’t something that should be expected to magically bind you together to someone despite any obstacles. Marriage should be something people go into with their eyes wide open, aware of each others’ positives and negatives and still a choice. For me, marriage is looking at someone and knowing everything about them and saying, ‘This person is my teammate. My adventure buddy. We are compatible and I know they always have my back. They’re not perfect and neither am I, but the negatives are heavily, heavily outnumbered by the positives and I would rather deal with them forever than live without this person in my life.’

    Sex is a HUGE, heavy weight on that scale. Sex, loyalty, love, values, and future plans… wow this has turned into a novel and not only that, but I’m typing on my phone so I can’t see the rest of my comment. Pretty sure I’ve gone off on a tangent. Was just musing on how unfair it is that certain religious beliefs really help to set people up for failure, and I find it quite sad because people don’t realise until it’s “too late.”

    Of course it’s never too late. You’re young and as I said before, life is long……….!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha, thanks for taking the time to weigh in and write as much as you did. You and the vast majority of people in our secular society would agree about what I should do. It is what you are supposed to do these days: divorce before you cheat. And perhaps you are all correct. I’ve talked a lot about this, thought a lot about this, gone back and forth on it many times. Honestly, I always thought cheating would be a phase, but in my ever evolving life I find it is a lifestyle now. Believe me, I know that my personal enjoyment of life (note, I didn’t say happiness, I’m not sure what would happen there) would be improved by divorcing. I could then be free sexually and be free to devote more to new relationships. I still stand by my belief it would not be good for my wife, and not be good for my son. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’m just going off of what I think would probably happen. My life is a bundle deal at this point. Divorcing my wife would set the whole bundle on fire and burn it all down. Goodby family, goodby house, goodby place where I currently live, good by church, goodby most of my friends, and likely goodby job. The marriage is a lynchpin at this point. I have no idea where all the pieces would end up and it would be a lot of rebuilding. I fear making the step since there would be no going back, and my wife has made it clear that we couldn’t have an amicable divorce, it would be me pushing for it solely. For now, I’ve chosen cheating to putting a match to it all. But, perhaps real progress can’t be made until I burn it all down. I can’t decide.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Well put. Sex is HUGE to an intimate relationship. It always seems to get second fiddle with relationship counseling. My wife totally bought into the no sex before marriage and it turns out that was easy for her because she’s not all that excited about sex after marriage either. Promises promises.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Aiiiight. I’m back!

    “I still stand by my belief it would not be good for my wife, and not be good for my son.”

    I’m just going to dive right in and point out that this part is bullshit. It’s nice, comforting bullshit… but it’s still bullshit. I don’t really want to delve into this in your comment section*, but essentially even if cheating is your ‘lifestyle,’ it’s not something that’s sustainable in the long term without doing terrible damage to your relationship with your child and doing great harm to your wife’s mental health. Yes, it would be difficult for you. It would be VERY hard for you. You would be divorced. It would suck. You would have an ex-wife. You wouldn’t see your child every single day. Your friends might side with her. I understand how it’s infinitely less appealing than continuing the current arrangement. But when you say it wouldn’t be good for your wife and your son, what you really mean, deep down, is that it wouldn’t be good for YOU.

    Having said that… You have to think more long-term about this, dude. You really need to zoom right out and look at the bigger picture. Back it up until your life is laid out before you in its entirety. This situation has three sides; yours, your wife’s, and your son’s. I’ve been on two sides of this triangle.

    If you were to take the hit, and break up the marriage, it would be an amputation. Yes it would hurt your wife, she would be devastated, but she would be devastated in an OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-JUST-HAPPENED-MY-LIFE-JUST-BLEW-UP-IN-MY-FACE kind of way. Eventually the dust would settle. There would be a new normal. As I’ve said before, life is long. Your child is young. Now is a good time.

    The alternative is to continue the way you’re going. This way you also devastate her, but it’s more creeping. More insidious. More like necrotizing fasciitis, or death by a thousand cuts. You can already see it in the little you say about her. Eventually you will hollow her out completely and she will be a shell of the person you once fell in love with. In your attempt to not destroy her, you will destroy her utterly.

    And your child will grow. And he will see. And he will notice. And he may pretend that he doesn’t see or notice, but he will. And you might pretend that he doesn’t see or notice and that you are excellent at covering your tracks, but he will. Life is long. Everyone fucks up at some stage. And in your attempt not to damage your relationship with him, you will likely lose him. Not only that but he will grow up thinking that your marriage is ‘normal,’ which leads to its own problems down the line.

    WOOF. This has turned into a comment of epic proportions and I am FAR too fragile-feeling to be commenting on such deep topics right now. What I need is pizza and a soft blanket. Maybe some chocolate milk in a carton. Some acoustic music. Maybe a dog to pet. Instead all I have is a fucking magpie on my balcony. GO AWAY TRASHBIRD.

    Next time maybe one less vodka. Maybe two.

    *proceeds to delve in face-first. Graceful as always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for another long response! Now I’ll try to avoid being flippant, no offense intended obviously. “Bullshit” seems to be a phrase used a lot these days by our culture warriors to denounce claims that disagree with the cultural narrative without actually having to address them (it simply upholds the cultural myth and condemns someone for saying it may not hold true in their case). Not saying you don’t have a well of deep experience to draw on of course, perhaps you have very good support for your position. But, if I could just ask you to reexamine assumptions you’ve made: cheating, even if undiscovered, causes great harm to a cheater’s spouse and children, and secondly, divorce would be the better option. These are two myths of our modern culture. Not saying that they may not be true and possibly even the best explanation, but we resort to myths when we have little evidence to explain a difficult question. If you have evidence to support these claims, I’d love to hear it. The only defense I’ve ever heard of these claims has been anecdotal, but I’ve heard plenty of counter anecdotes as well from the adultery community who claim that cheating either hasn’t negatively impacted their relationship, or in some cases has even improved their relationship with their spouse. Unfortunately, sociological studies on this subject is sparse, but one thing seems obvious, people are inconsistent, I remember reading one study where only 17% of women thought cheating was morally acceptable, but at the same time 68% said they would consider cheating if they knew they could get away with it. Establishing causation would be next to impossible, especially given that cheaters’ marriages are often already troubled. I’d say generally cheating is more of a symptom of issues rather than the cause. So, you could be right, perhaps my deeply held belief is bullshit, I’m really just destroying my relationship with my son and harming my wife, or staying in such a bad relationship is just exacerbating the problem regardless of cheating. I agree that what is good for the goose is often good for the gander, but I think we fool ourselves when we try to assume a one-size-fits-all approach, especially when it comes to divorce. I’ve posted several times on Reddit in r/relationships, and you can peruse it yourself to see that every response is a boilerplate, counseling, if that doesn’t work, divorce. Of course, there was that famous occasion on Reddit when one guy was told to divorce his wife, he went along with it and tragically his unstable wife murdered their two children then committed suicide. That is an extreme case, no question, but it should give us pause to realize we can’t see all ends, and not everyone has the same situation. In blogging, I’ve partly tried to demonstrate that online communities are echo chambers, whether you are talking the larger respectable community, or the victims of cheating communities, or the much smaller adultery communities. They are breeding grounds for many myths and assumptions unique to their respective groups. I do try to see past my inherent bias as much as I can. I don’t think you understand the gravity of the destruction divorce would wreak on my life, it is bad enough in the secular world, but my life is deeply entrenched in a conservative religious community, I’ve seen firsthand what happens when a couple divorces, and it is ugly. Solutions to other people’s problems are always simple, but when you are in the thick of it, they aren’t so simple. I very well could be deluding myself, but, believe me, it isn’t deliberate. Right now, I still believe I’m choosing the lesser of two evils, based on what I know of my own circumstances. I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, I’ll take them and give them thought. If you have personal anecdotes or supporting evidence to share, I’d love to hear it! Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Fair enough! It’s true that you likely couldn’t divorce and stay where you are now, from the sounds of it. And of course no one size fits all. It’s also true that I haven’t looked at academic sources to back up what’s really just my 2 cents at the end of the day… it’s personal anecdotes all the way for me I’m afraid.

        I’m that eejit who fell down a hole and now is like, “Hey friend, just so you know… there’s a hole there. Just giving you a heads up because it’s a pretty big drop. Keep your eyes open!”

        Of course there’s every chance you’d step safely over the hole without my warning, but no harm in pointing it out.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Don’t get me wrong please, I really appreciate your take on it. Anecdotes and experience are of great value and I can use all the advice I can get! Thanks for the warning. I want so much to divorce, but I fear the consequences will be worse than if I just stayed. I’m sure that bias sows seeds of doubt in my mind that keep me sitting here unable to move, and just persisting with cheating in the interim. I guess I need to decide one way or the other.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, this is just unremitting sadness. You are the third person to treat her like crap. How is she going to give your child any sort of childhood if anxiety is what she lives with every day? You are being so unkind. This life you are choosing almost in her face is mean spirited. Divorce will be hard on her but she can move on. Surely there is a decent man willing to love her.
    I think you are probably still a child emotionally. Usually that comes from a chaotic childhood. Children want what they want when they want it. The hallmark of maturity is postponing things even though we want them. Could you be a sex addict? There appears to be an alarming rise in this form of addiction. Could you have some serious narcissistic personality traitts? In both cases those people make terrible spouses. Read the literature.
    Give your wife a break before you really break her. Gaslighting is cruel.

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    1. Thanks for the reply, but I’m not sure I follow you Moi. How is it I’m treating her like crap? Should I stop going out once every other week or so because my wife thinks I’m going out to cheat on her? She also says that plenty of times when I leave and come home from work (she has been accusing me of cheating since the beginning of our marriage, many years before I ever cheated). I’m not trying to treat her poorly, and I’m certainly not trying to gaslight, that would be terribly manipulative form of evil. True, lies are one thing, but to deliberately misdirect and try to make her doubt her own sanity would be downright evil and abusive. You’ve mentioned the possibility of me being a sex addict or a narcissist. I feel this is a witch hunt at this point, I can’t deny the accusations since that is just what someone with them would do (you’ll just think I’m in denial), and I can’t affirm them since I believe that would be dishonest when I strongly believe I don’t have either affliction. Maturity is postponing things even though we want them, I totally agree. There are two ways to look at that in my situation, I can postpone my personal, selfish relationship desires until they can be satisfied in secret so as to protect my wife and family, or as you’d rather me do, I can put a torch to my wife and family in hopes that I can save them future pain and allow me to fulfill my desires in the nearer future. Neither is palatable, and perhaps you are right that staying in the relationship is doing more harm than good. Yes, I know I have my immaturities, but you are oversimplifying my logic and merely calling it childish. But, in the current circumstance I think you are baselessly accusing me of cruelty and abuse towards my wife, and I don’t understand what you would say to support such a claim?

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  4. Body language. She is reading your body language and it is totally incongruent with what you say. It is making her crazy and mean.

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    1. Lol, ok… and you’ve formed this indisputable conclusion based on…? I’m not saying body language isn’t important, words, tone, actions, body language are all important aspects of communication, but how you could have any inkling what my body language is and how I interact with my wife, I’m not really sure unless you are spying on me. As I said before, I have no reason to believe that my wife has good reason to suspect me of lying or deceiving her. You, of course, have inside knowledge, but she doesn’t. She was accusing me of cheating years before the thought even remotely occurred to me as a possibility. Look at it this way, could she be cheating on me, with us not being aware of it? I believe, absolutely, she could be. I don’t think she is, but she could be deceiving me, she has before about other things. How you are coming to such a certain conclusion baffles me. If this sixth sense that you claim my wife has is so powerful to detect deception, why is it it was wrong for so many years when I was not making any deception?

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  5. You know, this is all just blather. You want to cheat, you are going to cheat. I think maybe reading survivinginfidelity.com or some blogs by people who were cheated on might give you some idea of the pain your wife will feel if she finds out. If you don’t care then i have no business writing on your blog. Brick walls.

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    1. Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, I am trying, I hope you see. I feel that you have unfairly characterized and accused me baselessly. I have read surviving infidelity and other blogs of victims of cheating, and believe me, the stories affect me quite emotionally, and despite how my wife has treated me in our relationship, I’d never want to hurt her or make her feel that way. If you don’t believe that of me, that’s your choice. I like to believe your heart is in the right place, Moi, that you comment out of genuine concern and hope you’ll grant me the same and try to believe the best of me in the face of what you would consider poor decision making on my part. I hope you believe we can look at the same world and same information and come to different conclusions about the course we should take in our lives.

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  6. One more try. You can dance around this, quote William Blake, who was nuts, make every excuse in the world, but in the end you are a lying cheater. You have it as the title of your blog. I get that. I just wish your wife and child were safely away from you.

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    1. Whatever floats your boat, keep reading and commenting if you wish. I like having thoughtful discourse, disagreement, and I don’t mind being insulted from time to time, but I’m certainly not going to beg for it, lol.

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  7. ummm… “divorce before you cheat.” I’m not sure what this means, haha. If you’re divorced and dating and having sex I’m fairly certain you aren’t cheating.

    Yes, people can be very carefully deceptive in having affairs but you have to acknowledge that a person doesn’t need absolute proof/evidence to have an awareness that something is going on. It can be unsettling without being able to put your finger on it. It does penetrate on the deepest level and this is why deception is so unhealthy for us. It’s “this” point that you want to pretend isn’t a factor, which is utterly sad for all of you.

    A house, friends, employment, a family, a congregation- you mention these as THE reason you won’t divorce, which must be true, but I’d love to hear you add your thoughts on why you’re so determined to deceive to keep them. The deception changes the terms in which the relationships are based/anchored on. Can you honestly believe that you’re doing all of this to keep something that no longer is a truth to any one of those people and places- even if they may not know it yet?

    The article below frames your clinging to your life by means of deceptive behavior as a defense- not defending the reality of your life, but rather the fantasy. Eventually there will be a great awakening and your denial of the damage you’re engaging in will be fully revealed and brutal.

    Just my two cents but if I were you I’d rather lose everything and have my integrity and solid character to get me through the hard times ahead then trade it all for a memory of young firm body that is willing to fuck.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201208/deception-the-real-villain-behind-relationship-infidelity

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “divorce before you cheat” is poor wording. The idea would be divorce is preferable to cheating.

      You do cut to the heart of the issue, and I appreciate your reply, syd. Our three options seem to be divorce, cheat, or go legit. Divorce is driving everything off the cliff, while it may be the best option, it is the “no return” situation. The other two remain deceptions, whether cheating or going legit. Neither acknowledge publicly that the relationship has failed. Going legit is mostly deceiving to myself, by refusing to act on my desires and remaining in the relationship. Cheating at this time seems the most palatable though it involves the most deception.

      It is entirely possible that my wife has some awareness to what is going on. Perhaps she’s known when I was acting legit but the relationship was dead inside. One thing is certain, her sensors for knowing when someone is cheating on her are in a very, very poor state of calibration. As I said, both previous boyfriends cheated on her. I didn’t cheat on her until very recently, but she was accusing me of cheating since almost the beginning.

      As to your article, it isn’t a bad one, but also doesn’t say anything really new, I’m aware of the fantasy that I live in. It does seem to make some moral justifications that I don’t follow, such as “Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral.” That seems like far to broad a definition, and leaves your moral obligations up to someone else’s subjective view of reality. But, I digress. The other issue is that I used to believe in an objective moral standard having been religious. But, given that I’ve entered a system of relative morality, in which things like divorce, adultery, pre-marital sex, and lying are more of points on a scale. How individuals weigh these things is a matter of personal choice and philosophy, not something that psychological studies determine for us. The author may have a Ph.D., but that doesn’t make them more qualified to pontificate on morality, rather it lends weight to their expert opinion in matters of psychology. That said, I agree with Firestone on many points, but I think the ideal relationship she outlines (which is utterly honest) is unrealistic for almost everyone. I think one reason that lead to my dishonesty, which Firestone notes, is this

      Another example may be a man whose partner feels so insecure that she demands to be constantly reassured of his love and attraction to her…This type of restrictive situation can become a hotbed for dishonesty. The woman may lie about time alone she spent with a male friend or co-worker, or the man may lie about an attraction he is starting to feel for another woman.

      Not to excuse dishonesty, but I think she is right, I am resistant to revealing my inner thoughts to my wife because whenever I have opened up to her, she has attacked me, such as when I would complain about the lack of passion in our relationship, or when I revealed that I was tempted to cheat on her.

      Just my two cents but if I were you I’d rather lose everything and have my integrity and solid character to get me through the hard times ahead then trade it all for a memory of young firm body that is willing to fuck.

      For me in this situation, I’d say this is a false dichotomy. My integrity and solid character are gone either way. If I divorce, I’m divorcing and betraying what I believe is right. If I cheat, I’m deceiving and betraying what I believe is right. If I “go legit” and stay but don’t cheat, I’m deceiving myself and betraying what I believe is right. Once again, it comes down to a choice between the lesser of all evils, and I’m not certain what that is. The article suggests that deception is the greatest of all evils, but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Our modern secular society has been loosening the immorality of divorce, but also maintains that morality is relative. And we can see that various things have shifted on the morality scales in different times and places and societies. It is hard to know what standard to hold to. My own standard is an odd mixture of modern American secular and Christian values, and I’m not sure which to obey.

      Liked by 1 person

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