These Brief Messages

Another mundane report for today. CL is quiet. Tinder I keep getting matches, but nobody seems to be talking. OKC is useless as always, sadly, Jenna disappeared and removed her account. I hope all is well with her. She was moving to this area in the next few months and I was looking forward to meeting her. Maybe she just blocked me after reading about all my shenanigans, and for that, I certainly wouldn’t blame her. If I was a somewhat reasonable person (good thing I’m not), I would be hesitant getting involved with me. In any case, I wish her well and hope she finds love.

Elle was texting me every day, and we’d chat a bit. She seemed all the more intent on having me over sometime, but could never seem to overcome her anxiety. Can’t figure that girl out, but it still just seems tradition for us to text, I mean, we’ve been messaging in one form or another off and on for a year. I do like the girl, even if she is a bit odd (and I’m really not sure she is a girl at all, much less a 19 year old as she claims). But, it is the endless cycle with her. She’ll be hot for a while, texting me all the time, then she’ll slowly move to one or two messages a day, then every other day, then once a week, and then once a month, and then not at all for a while until out of the blue she’ll hit me up one day.

I have to stop logging into my Instagram. Part of me thinks I should unfollow Sierra, but I think I should be stronger than that. But, I’m always surprised at the emotions I feel at each of her posts, which have been more frequent of late. Judging from all the pics with this one particular guy, she may have a new boyfriend, which makes me jealous obviously. All the same, I should be able to wish her well, but all I can do is compare our situations and feel like I’m missing out on good times. Envy is an ugly thing, but I know I’m stronger than this.

Onward and upward. I’m having a good time lately. I’m reading more, watching old movies, and my son is growing by leaps and bounds (and getting to the point where he’ll be making leaps and bounds soon). I’ve completed several big projects at work, and it is time to take on some new ones. While I feel like some love and passion is missing from my life, at least I’ve hit a decent equilibrium for the time being that I can enjoy until the next shake-up.


12 thoughts on “These Brief Messages

  1. It is easy to think of you as despicable but I don’t. I have no idea why I read your blog.
    You have put yourself out here for a reason. What I think is that you are at a spiritual/emotional crossroad. You most definitely have one foot out the door. Your blog is all about trying to have sex with other women. It is also about Sienna bringing out the kid in you, about being sorry you married, about underlying angst. My theory is that when men sat themselves down to work they turned their backs on their nature. Your bodies are designed for throwing spears, working in groups to hunt prey, to run flat out. Men who come back from was often say they miss it. They miss the adrenal high. They miss the camaraderie. War, huntling, bond men together. In our society you are pitted against each other. Who has the most education, the largest salary, the prettiest woman. You get your highs from watching sports instead of doing them. No wonder you feel unfulfilled. Your body is telling you one thing and your circumstances another. Hunting for new sexual partners gives you a high and yet… have had performance anxiety. You are pulling away from your faith. I suggest riding roller coasters, jumping out of planes or hang gliding. You really do need a physical hobby other than cheating.
    If you truly want to have the freedom to have sex with whomever there is a document which gives you a divorce.
    This is all over the place but I don’t know why you no longer want your wife. I do know that people who cheat(and aren’t narcissists) feel guilt so they make it about their spouse. She might be terrible but I am guessing you got married because it was expected of you rather than because your heart was in it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sometimes, I’m not sure why I write. Anyways, thanks Moi, very insightful. No doubt aligning more with my nature would probably lead to a happier life, but we all have to make some sacrifices to live in society and gain its benefits. I’m just not sure what approach is best for me. My marriage was foolhardy from the beginning, I can blame my upbringing, society, culture, religion, any number of these, but mostly I blame my fear of what people would think of me: always afraid of scandal and of rocking the boat. Steady as she goes. Part of me no longer wants my wife, a big part, but also, part of me feels that I could make it work, if we could just fix us, but sometimes it seems there is no way to do that. I’ll try the physical hobby thing, I do get some exercise in, but time, time, time. Typically, I’m left with an hour at the end of each day, and that’s it, the rest is work, home, baby, chores. Saturdays, I take care of the baby while wife works, probably my best opportunity if I want to pack him up for a hike or walk, but can’t do anything too crazy. And Sundays are a wash with Church stuff.


    2. So take up hanggliding to accept a life of involuntary celibacy? You consistently miss the point that NA’s wife does not have sex with him. He is in a sexless marriage. If SHE did her duty as a wife to satisfy him sexually, this blog probably wouldn’t exist.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Bex linked me, thought I might enjoy your blog – I was about four posts in before I realised they weren’t just one, extra-long, disjointed post… That’s what I get for not paying attention! I read your ‘Start Here’. It’s a pity religion has the ability to do such a number on us. It’s hard to look out past the bubble you’re in, I suppose.

    I think I might have some catching up to do to get up to speed with who Sierra is. Just wanted to say hi!


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi, thanks for reading! I’ll say this, I’m not sure anyone ‘enjoys’ my blog, but people seem to read it anyways. Probably the negative, ugly posts outweigh the good and positive. Perhaps Dante’s words are a bit too melodramatic, but I’m not one to shy away from hyperbole: “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” 😛

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Morbid curiosity? A walk on the wild side? Living vicariously through you? I’m sure there are plenty of different readers with plenty of different reasons…

        I haven’t read enough yet to decide what my reasons are.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. NA, somehow I missed the no sex thing. None? Whole different story. If that is the case then you two are living parallel lives and you can do that living down the street. I don’t believe in divorce unless there are extreme reasons and this sounds like one. Hooking up with one girl/woman after another is ok if that is what you want but I got the idea that you actually fell for Sierra. Are you interested in hookups or a sexual/emotional connection? Maybe that is why your writing is a little confusing.

    None of us know your wife. She might be depressed. It happens. She might just be done with sex. It happens. What you need is to get a third party to help you get your thoughts out in the open.
    And hers.

    Trying hookups online is done all the time but, as you can see, there are a lot of weirdos out there pulling your chain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My wife and I probably had sex 5 times in 2016, ironically, the majority of times happened after I had already started having sex with Anne (up until I cheated, we had sex about twice over a 9 month period). It is effectively a dead bedroom, my wife doesn’t really want sex with me, even if she said the last few times that she liked it. It is like pulling teeth trying to come on to her, but I still try for some reason.

      Sometimes what we really want is imperceptible to us. I really, honestly only engaged with Sierra because I desired her sexually. With Anne, she was merely a friend with benefits. All I wanted was a younger, hotter FWB in Sierra (not that Anne is a pretty girl in her own right, but she didn’t do it for me like Sierra, and age isn’t really the issue, but I wanted to see what it would be like). I never planned to fall in love with her, or even wanted to. I wanted us to be friends, but I didn’t want her to be my “girlfriend”, that came later. This post discusses the turning point:
      So, in short, my writing is confusing because I’m not entirely sure what I want. I thought at first it was just sex, but once I had a taste of something I’d missed out on in life, i.e. having a hot girlfriend in college, I realized perhaps it isn’t all that simple. For some reason, Thompson quotes keep coming to me lately, this one is appropriate: “Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” I discovered with Sierra that you can’t just have meaningless sex with someone, there is always a string attached.

      You are absolutely right I believe about my wife. I think she is depressed, or at least in need of some help with her self-esteem. I’ve tried to get her involved in therapy of some kind. We’ve done couples counseling, but that has largely been fruitless. I think she really needs to address some of these personal issues. I say this as someone who has sought therapy for myself in the past which was helpful at the time.

      Trying hookups online is done all the time but, as you can see, there are a lot of weirdos out there pulling your chain.

      How did you know what I've been planning to write about today or tomorrow, lol?


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