Loveloss

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Today has been dead as dead can be. No replies or contact anywhere, OKC (besides a notable friendship I’ve developed there), Tinder, CL. Maybe time to compose a new ad for CL. But, after all the rejection yesterday, perhaps I need a Sabbath rest. I woke up to rain pattering softly on the roof. I always sleep well when it rains, I generally sleep very well (I don’t deserve sleep with what should be a guilty conscience), for some reason my wife is the one with insomnia. Even with an umbrella I got soaked getting to the office. Maybe today would be a good day to check in with Anne and see how she is. I’m far enough from the Sierra thing that I’m appreciating and missing Anne more and more. But, we both knew the score, Anne and I had agreed to keep our eyes open for other relationship opportunities so I guess my relationship with her was basically an open one. Though, I still didn’t really feel comfortable sharing Sierra with her, and I wouldn’t really want or expect her to share any of her flings with me.

I’ve mentioned in comments and in private correspondence to some of my adulterous friends (I’ve met so many since starting this blog) that I don’t have any regrets since I began cheating a few months ago. Yes, I did some bad things, things I should never have done, I don’t know if I’d do it all over again now, but that was then. The last few months have seemed like a lifetime, the days packed with lust, excitement, and longing. They were the best of times and the worst of times. But, the beauty of them is that they were life as I’d never known it could be, and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. Right now, I’m more content than I’ve been in a long time.

What’s next? Perhaps I’ll hang up my spurs from now on and go straight. Maybe in a few months time I’ll work it out with my wife and we’ll have the beginnings of an amicable divorce. Or maybe the spark of love will be rekindled in my marriage. Or more likely I’ll keep looking for love in all the wrong places, and who knows what I’ll find. Whatever happens, I’ll always have fall, the year of our Lord, 2016.

So, for all of you lovely people that have been worried about me, thanks, but I’m really doing fine.

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9 thoughts on “Loveloss

  1. The day you hang up your spurs is when I will. Probably not going to happen. It’s fun to think about us being good husband and wife and actually committing to our partners. It’s just not realistic. I am glad you are content and feel happiness. Like you said, some days are better than others. I will feel close to my husband some days and other days his mere presence is disgusting. We can’t win. We will keep playing though.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Happy to hear you came out of the Sierra experiment ok and have no regrets.
    That’s the biggest thing that holds people back — regret.

    I so want to give you a friendly hug right now. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

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