Got a weird message yesterday. It rocked me so bad I didn’t want to talk about it, and decided to write about something else. I haven’t heard from Sierra in a good while and didn’t expect to ever again. Out of the blue she texts me unprompted:

I will not play god, I am walking away from your chaos for good. Do not contact me, do not confirm you received this, otherwise I will contact the police. Have a nice life 🐘

Is she crazier than I thought? In any case, I have no intention of replying. Bizarre though, I’m not sure what she means by playing god (guess a nice way of saying that she isn’t going to get me in trouble if I leave her alone) or walking away from my chaos (that is the pot calling the kettle black if I ever heard it)? And why bring the police into it? I haven’t even tried to contact her, so it isn’t like I’m harassing her, besides, she’s the one who committed a crime. And what the hell is it with her and elephants? Perhaps I caused some sort of internal struggle within her? I’m probably over analyzing, she probably just wanted to make it 100% clear that there was no future no matter what (maybe she plans to return to town at some point, I suspect she may still really be in school and not graduated as she claims). I didn’t think we had any future, but I now know for certain we are on the same page.

The whole thing really shook me up. I’m as over Sierra as I’m ever going to be I believe. But, she still has the power to rip open the old wound whenever she wishes, and I don’t know how to stop her. When someone you cared about makes it clear they never want anything to do with you ever again, I think it will hurt inevitably. I do miss Sierra considerably, even long for her, but I’ve accepted that I’d never see her again. This message is just insult to injury as far as I’m concerned. The fact that she threatens to call the police really gives me pause, it makes me wonder about our relationship from her perspective. Is she afraid of me for some reason? I can’t imagine what I would have done that made her feel threatened or uncomfortable. Maybe I am just as bad a guy as they say (I get told daily on hook-up sites). Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. As you can see, I had a little freak out yesterday, I’m glad it seems to be over though. I’ve recentered, even though Sierra’s words managed to cut deeply. I’m just far too sensitive I realize.

In other news, I got a slim twenty year old student with big eyebrows and a mid twenties BBW to both unmatch me on Tinder, so there’s that. I chatted with both of them most of the afternoon, but it just wasn’t in the cards I’m afraid. Shame, they were both very pretty. I had another promising contact on CL, pretty sure she is a pic collector though. She kept saying she wanted to meet, it wouldn’t work out, and she’d ask for more pics to turn her on. After two rounds of that I gave it up. She was a quite a looker too (if the pics she sent were really her, they seemed legit). Predictably, Elle ghosted me. Last night I made ‘Mommy’ (the tranny who has been begging me to come over and pound her ass) cry. I felt bad, but I had to tell her straight up that I wasn’t interested and he/she should find someone else that would better appreciate the little extra she has to offer. So, not surprisingly, I’ve struck out this inning. Still, I’m surprised at the good quality of responses I’ve been getting (even if they don’t end up working out), this does bode well.


43 thoughts on “Elephant

  1. The girl you long for likely isn’t really Sierra, it who you thought Sierra was… In reality, Sierra is bat-shit crazy, that text confirms it!
    But I definitely understand what it’s like to long for a person who isn’t what they seem, it’s a theme in my life from my first boyfriend to my current AP!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. That’s a really interesting idea, that it would be destroying a part of yourself… It’s definitely something that will make me think, and I may wind up musing about it in my own blog (if you don’t mind)

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I know that it may help with a loss to just close off that part of yourself that enjoyed what you had (downplay how good it was, denigrate the individual you shared it with), but then I think you lose out on those memories, the ones in the past and potentially in the future. And what of the passion that makes you tick in the first place? Anyways, much can be said of it. Feel free to muse away anytime! I don’t own any of my ideas as far as I’m concerned. Lots of them come from my comments section anyways!

          Liked by 1 person

            1. I’m finding everyone deals with pain differently. I don’t know how to do it for someone else, but for me it was the complex relationship I had with someone very dear to me, they loved me and I loved them, but they were also flawed (as we all are) and betrayed me in certain ways, then they died without ever having resolved things. It took a long time to find peace with the situation. When it was over I never have feared pain again like before. As far as I am concerned the worst is behind me. I found I could isolate what a person had done to me and the love that I had for them. I could remember the good times and the bad, and appreciate them for what they were and what they taught me. That’s how it works for me, but I know everyone is different.

              Liked by 1 person

    1. Darn over achievers! Sierra is definitely not a freshman, she claimed to be a senior and said she graduated this last winter.

      I don’t believe there is a chance (99.99% certain) she is under 18. A) she looks and acts well over 18, I am on hookup sites all the time, I deal with dozens of 15-24 year olds on a weekly basis through youth group and other venues, I’m good at guessing age within 1-3 years based on appearance, speech patterns, tastes, dress, mannerisms etc not foolproof but almost always accurate, she is definitely between 21 and 23 (I would go with the age she gave me, no reason for her to lie) B) she regularly posted pics of herself having drinks with friends at bars around town, this is a college town and I’ve seen bouncers, bartenders, and grocery checkers catch fake ID’s regularly (the cops love to pull sting operations to keep them frosty) which would indicate she is at least 21 C) last visit home she posted pics of her enjoying wine with her mom at a wine bar, not many parents are accepting of their daughter having a fake ID. D) she was go to among students in her housing complex to make Costco runs to buy booze because she was of age.

      So, not in the least bit worried, thank God.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Can she even post on those sites if she is too young? You need to be extremely careful. Either this is escalating because she is unstable, too young or trying to scare you. Do not EVER try to contact her again. You could be looking at a cop at your front door.


    1. Absolutely anyone can post to hookup sites. I’ve never seen a site verify age, whether CL, OKC, Tinder, etc. So, yes, underage is definitely something to watch out for. I am quite aware and take every possible precaution. That said, I’ve never seen anyone that made me suspect they might be underage. I appreciate your concern Moi, but I’m 99.99% certain that Sierra is over 18 (in fact 21 or over), you can see my reply above for more details. Besides, I have no intention of contacting her ever again.


  3. As for Limerence……it happened in my family. A married relative lost his mind over a girl and then when things ended he talked about her like she was the most perfect person in the world. He finally woke up and realized she was just a normal person, the affair was nothing special and he lost interest. The problem was he broke up his marriage. He tried to reconcile. It did not happen. His wife is now married to someone else. There are children who were affected. He gave the same old, tired excuses ending with she didn’t support him. Well, who was supporting her. Needless to say we all got pretty po at him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sad story indeed! Thanks for sharing. On the subject of Sierra, I never considered her perfect, though I appreciated some of her flaws and found them cute at one time, all the same, I recognize she has many flaws and a lot of growing up to do (as do I). She is special and unique as all of us are, and she has value as we all do (at least that is how I believe). But I would never deify her or suggest she is better than other girls.


  4. Oh, just read that the brain has the same chemical reactions in an affair as being addicted to cocaine. Your obsession with Sierra makes sense coming from that perspective.


    1. Ever the armchair psychologist are we 😛 ? We can talk about dopamine and serotonin all we want, cocaine has been demonstrated to have a similar chemical effect on the brain as many very rewarding things including sex, exercise, and a loving embrace, why should affairs be any different? You say it like it is a bad thing. I have no obsession with Sierra. I miss her, and love her in my own way, but only in memory, I have no interest in pursuing her further. I don’t think it is uncommon for someone to miss someone they broke up with for a month or so, and think about them regularly during that time, affair or not. Sierra is less and less in my thoughts every day. Certainly, I do like to reflect on my good memories with her and not the bad ones, but I think that is healthy provided it doesn’t lead to foolishly pursuing her again.


      1. Maybe it’s the ‘naive’ in your name, but I get the sense that Moi is just looking out for you… Concerned you’ll get yourself into trouble!
        To me you seem unique in the sense that you can miss Sierra, but be not be interested in pursuing her again. It’s absolutely very healthy, just somewhat unusual.

        As an aside – my current AP doesn’t go wild for bjs either, I’m determined to change his mind!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’ve been getting another sense of Moi’s intentions lately from other comments they’ve made, but it isn’t fair for me to assume, and I try not to take comments personally. In any case, that message did come off passive aggressive and snippy, sorry Moi, not cool of me.

          Haha, good luck, Anne gave me an awesome one a while back, but still, I don’t think I’ll ever prefer them, a hamburger will never be a filet mignon, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one from time to time.


  5. I am just another spectator in life. I feel sorry for your wife, and, believe it or not, you as well. Neither of you is happy. You might not be husband material. It doesn’t make you a bad guy. Lying and cheating on your wife does.
    I know several men, now older, who never married. They dated. Their excuses were they never found the right one. Their options were limited. Due to technology you have a banquet in front of you. If this is what you want then gently get out of your marriage and go for it.
    People hate being lied to. I’ll bet your wife is no different. Just be a good dad. Wear protection and stay away from jail bate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the sympathy Moi. Believe it or not, I’m far happier than I’ve been in years (perhaps my posts wouldn’t indicate it, but my posts are only able to show a limited sliver of my life). I know you won’t believe me because it is a blasphemous notion, but my affairs seem to have brought me this happiness, and even with their down moments, I don’t have any regrets. Many will classify it as not being a “true” happiness, it is merely momentary and fleeting (I haven’t found a happiness that isn’t, it takes continually work and never stagnating). I know, I was one of those people not too long ago, I would look at people in the sinful world around me and say ‘your sin will never bring you happiness, you’re only fooling yourselves, give it up and come back to God’. I was spectating, afraid of getting my hands dirty, afraid of the pain it would bring. I was also pretty unhappy then, sitting there miserable, tired of beating my head against the wall of my marriage, trying with renewed energy every week only to come to the weekend exhausted and despondent. I feel good now, sure there were lows, but there were also highs, and now they’ve balanced out and I feel satisfied. All the paths before me seemed to be either sin such as divorce or an affair, or to continue spinning my wheels in unhappiness. I tried a path, it worked out for now, but who knows in the future.

      I’m not going to make excuses for lying and cheating, they aren’t right and can’t be justified. You know plenty of my own sins, but in your ignorance of my wife’s you seem to assume she is an innocent party, which she is not, not that it makes her any less deserving of sympathy. Still, I don’t want to get in the business of seeing who’s sins are the blacker, nor do I want to use her behavior to justify my own. We are all sinful and flawed, it is only a question of degrees at this point (and who wants to be the judge). I’d love to get out of my marriage gently, that isn’t an option. It would destroy my life, my son’s life, and my wife’s life as we know them, I have no idea where the chips would fall.

      I’ll do my best to be a good father and husband, live honestly as I can, and always be searching for the best path.


  6. Just a wild card thought but… is it possible one of your readers has put two and two together (from reading your blog) and found “Sierra” on Instagram? …And then sent her a message from which she felt threatened thereby initiating this last message from her, to you (this happened to me once in my blog writing days)?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Do you have a confession to make, syd? 😛

      Gosh, I certainly hope not! I don’t think that is likely. Her Instagram is private and I haven’t revealed her real name or any clues that would help track her down to my knowledge. It would be more than putting two and two together to find her, more like a triple integral with 4 unknowns. Protecting my own and others’ identities is very important to me. As far as I know, she has no knowledge of this blog’s existence.


      1. lol- no. but not because I didn’t have the thought! If I was curious, perhaps someone else was and followed it.
        If she’s private then I agree with you- much harder math. 🤔 The part I was wondering about was any searchable text (from texting) that you both may have included on your social profiles.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m just foolin’. I tested the text, no search results. Not even visible unless she’s added you on Instagram. Finding her would be worse than a needle in a haystack. And all my social profiles are blank, Facebook, Instagram, no information.


  7. I don’t think you have a cheater personality. You got hooked on Sierra too quickly. Men who have ons don’t stick around long enough to develop a relationship. They live on the surface of life. You wanted a relationship with Sierra.
    Since your blog is anonymous I don’t expect too much info but what got you started? Was it boredom, frustration, parenthood, midlife crisis?
    Women who use sites like those are sometimes scary. Those that blog come across as obsessed or very narcissistic. Of course, blogging gives such a tiny window into a person’s life, but people don’t realize how much info they give if they blog long enough.
    If you have the inclination look at some blogs written by people(men and women) who were cheated on. They feel like yesterday’s trash and just about as worthless. I guess this is why I hope you have some sympathy and empathy for you little family. You are the steward and you are headed for the rocks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I answer that question in great detail in the first five prologue posts. But, in short, it was mostly frustration. I was tired of trying day after day, month after month, year after year to improve my marriage, infuse it with love and a spark of romance. Counseling, self-help books, prayer, Bible reading, talking, scheduled sexual activity, dates, gifts, nothing helped. Of course, parenthood and mid-life crisis (I’m not at mid-life yet, but a realization that I’m still young and attractive and worried that I’m missing out, vain stuff like that) are parts.

      Yes, women on hook-up sites, especially those willing to sleep with married men can be very scary indeed. But, there are some good ones to be found, like Anne I believe.

      I read several blogs of individuals who were cheated on, and comment from time to time (sympathetically of course, I’m not a troll, I know how to keep my mouth shut if I think I’m going to say something hurtful). The pain of being a victim of cheating is terrible, as is the pain of being trapped in a loveless marriage. Pain and suffering are the common denominators of many marriages it seems. I have a ton of empathy for those who have been cheated on and I never want my wife to feel that way, ever. A quick look at any online adulterous community should dispel the myth that all cheaters get caught eventually, but all the same, we could be headed for the rocks, but who is to say? Not you, and not I.


  8. Maybe you should start a WP Tinder? I mean there are so fucking horny bastards out there. You could make a shit load of money! I mean I get offers that OMFG! I’m surprised you haven’t found someone that isn’t local to you on here. Maybe you should do like me, start trolling 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I get offers from guys like OMFG too, but gals are another story entirely… your sex is just too sensible to get involved in my shenanigans 😛

      Besides, I’d rather my potential AP’s not know about the blog, just makes things simpler.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well my worst yet occurred this week. Way out of my zone. Damn fucker was hard to shake too 😩 66 yo Dom. Holy hell… Well all offers still stand. You are still in my system 😉 xx

        Liked by 1 person

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