That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.
“Is this the first time you’ve done this?”
“Cheated on your wife, of course.”
“I guess that makes you a serial adulterer huh?” Sierra smiled.
“How many before me?”
“One,” there had only been Anne, guys didn’t count as far as I was concerned, those hadn’t even felt like sexual experiences.
We were lying naked in the bed I share with my wife, it was 5 am and we’d just had sex for the first time. I wasn’t about to tell her that Anne had been in that very bed about 9 or so hours ago, I wasn’t sure if I believed it myself. She was lying back, her head nestled in a nest of her hair on the mattress looking up, her breasts rising and falling with each breath, her legs in the air. I felt her soft, smooth light bronze legs with my hands, kissing the arches of her feet, calves, knees, and thighs. She had a faint scar, she tried to hide it. It was from an accident she’d suffered some years ago during one of her wild escapades. It didn’t bother me, I kissed it gently. I already knew she was a vain girl, I thought I might have detected pain or perhaps discomfort in her eyes when she saw me looking at it.
“How about you, how many partners have you had?” I asked looking into her eyes.
She looked at me thoughtfully, her brown eyes bright beneath her furrowed, sweat coated brow. She held up one, then two, then three fingers.
“Really? Pretty girl like you?”
She bit her lower lip as I bent down and kissed her.
I’m not sure why certain memories of Sierra keep bubbling to the surface. This whole scene replayed, every sight, smell, sound, and touch as I was lying in bed falling asleep last night. Gosh her smell in that moment, sometimes it is so vivid, so musky, sweaty, sweet, delicious; it intoxicates my mind, the phantom fragrance will come to me as I’m lying there and I can’t escape the journey it takes me on. Sometimes I wonder if she had been real at all. I can feel her being leeched out of my bloodstream, filtered away by my immune system like a foreign substance.
My wife and I are back to sexlessness, trying to seduce her is like pulling teeth. At some point I’ll probably give up trying like before. I can only take so much constant rejection from her. But, she did say she’d like to get away, have a little vacation, just me, her, and the baby. There’s something we can agree on at least. I’m keeping my eye out for deals; a mid-week holiday would be nice and maybe it will be a chance to reconnect, or to grow further apart.
The hookup search continues on autopilot. Had a pleasant chat about writing and literature with a nice pretty girl on OKC. But, I’m realizing perhaps I’m not ready for another fling yet after all. I realize I’m still just really looking for Sierra out there, a replacement for her. But, that isn’t right or fair to whoever I find, and I know logically that that isn’t what I want. But, it is hard to get motivated for anything else. I’m still keeping my options open, but I’m not making much effort. I know I want someone new, not another Sierra, but my emotional desires aren’t listening yet.