Serializable

That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.

“Is this the first time you’ve done this?”
“What?”
“Cheated on your wife, of course.”
“No.”
“I guess that makes you a serial adulterer huh?” Sierra smiled.
“I guess.”
“How many before me?”
“One,” there had only been Anne, guys didn’t count as far as I was concerned, those hadn’t even felt like sexual experiences.
We were lying naked in the bed I share with my wife, it was 5 am and we’d just had sex for the first time. I wasn’t about to tell her that Anne had been in that very bed about 9 or so hours ago, I wasn’t sure if I believed it myself. She was lying back, her head nestled in a nest of her hair on the mattress looking up, her breasts rising and falling with each breath, her legs in the air. I felt her soft, smooth light bronze legs with my hands, kissing the arches of her feet, calves, knees, and thighs. She had a faint scar, she tried to hide it. It was from an accident she’d suffered some years ago during one of her wild escapades. It didn’t bother me, I kissed it gently. I already knew she was a vain girl, I thought I might have detected pain or perhaps discomfort in her eyes when she saw me looking at it.
“How about you, how many partners have you had?” I asked looking into her eyes.
She looked at me thoughtfully, her brown eyes bright beneath her furrowed, sweat coated brow. She held up one, then two, then three fingers.
“Really? Pretty girl like you?”
“Really.”
She bit her lower lip as I bent down and kissed her.

I’m not sure why certain memories of Sierra keep bubbling to the surface. This whole scene replayed, every sight, smell, sound, and touch as I was lying in bed falling asleep last night. Gosh her smell in that moment, sometimes it is so vivid, so musky, sweaty, sweet, delicious; it intoxicates my mind, the phantom fragrance will come to me as I’m lying there and I can’t escape the journey it takes me on. Sometimes I wonder if she had been real at all. I can feel her being leeched out of my bloodstream, filtered away by my immune system like a foreign substance.

My wife and I are back to sexlessness, trying to seduce her is like pulling teeth. At some point I’ll probably give up trying like before. I can only take so much constant rejection from her. But, she did say she’d like to get away, have a little vacation, just me, her, and the baby. There’s something we can agree on at least. I’m keeping my eye out for deals; a mid-week holiday would be nice and maybe it will be a chance to reconnect, or to grow further apart.

The hookup search continues on autopilot. Had a pleasant chat about writing and literature with a nice pretty girl on OKC. But, I’m realizing perhaps I’m not ready for another fling yet after all. I realize I’m still just really looking for Sierra out there, a replacement for her. But, that isn’t right or fair to whoever I find, and I know logically that that isn’t what I want. But, it is hard to get motivated for anything else. I’m still keeping my options open, but I’m not making much effort. I know I want someone new, not another Sierra, but my emotional desires aren’t listening yet.

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19 thoughts on “Serializable

  1. Just can’t even put into words, I’m sorry. xo
    Been doing some pinning of my own, not sure what it is about #1 he was difficult and I had to work for the relationship with very little effort on his part. I am now in an amazing and fulfilling relationship with #3 and further than ever I’d gone, potential for more. But, something about fucktard #1, I’d gotten over him just to have him come back and reek havoc on me for a third time. What a shit he is and yet like a woman in an abusive relationship, I’d take him back in a heartbeat! WTF? And in real life, I’d have beat his ass by now, because I don’t take that shit from NO one. I’m a gun toting, kick box knowing, bitch…just saying. πŸ˜‰ xo

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  2. What about just you and her minus the baby?
    I crave time away and it is nicer with hubby. Just to reconnect and spend time with each other. I told him he’s always on the attack. May be tonight I’ll attack him instead just to celebrate the New Year. I always get horny when I’m tipsy πŸ˜€

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    1. Sounds like you have a good healthy relationship! Congratulations. But all that couldn’t be more foreign to my situation. My wife hasn’t initiated any sexual activity in years, it was even rare in our early marriage. She’s never been “hot” for me or “attacked” me. Even when we were having sex more regularly, certain ever changing conditions had to be met, for example, it couldn’t be after 8 pm or before 7 am, she couldn’t be tired, she couldn’t have had a bad day, we couldn’t have argued in the near past, and only if there isn’t anything “better” to do. She doesn’t get horny when she’s tipsy, she wants me to leave her alone so she can go to sleep. A vacation without the baby would be nice, probably wouldn’t do any good, but not possible since we have no one to babysit for more than a few hours. Anyways, I’m not one to complain.

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      1. You need to try and try and try again 😊 I’m the naughty one in the relationship. He blames me for not finding him sexy. He attacks me all the time I rarely do. I’ve told him many a times just let it be. Give me cuddles and let it progress from cuddles. The attacking put in on edge and in turns dry me up. I’m always anxious . He always accidentally hurt me like my hair get pulled. Or him trying to pry my legs open knocks them and bruises them . Or he’ll shove it in when I’m not ready and scratches me internally. Things like that. When I’m doing with someone else I feel like I’ve got control. If they hurt me I don’t see them again. I only see the nice ones . With him I have no choice . He doesn’t do it on purpose I know that. I just resent it as nothing I can do to stop being hurt. So we are trying this new thing where I initiate not him. Let see if it works.
        Relationships takes lots on work and you just have to keep on trying and trying and trying. Plus if plan A fails there’s always plan B. They say a change is better than a holiday . Well in your case the holiday is a change so go for it. Change doesn’t happen overnight it’s progressive.

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        1. Oh, that kind of attacking! That is messed up! My wife has accused me of rape before for touching her breasts or ass when she didn’t want me to (without any warning from her). In any case, I’ve been trying and trying and trying again, I’ll keep it up, I know the drill. Though, in my experience, people rarely change if ever. We’ve tried everything at least a dozen times, a vacation is nothing new, nor was her supposed to be the one initiating (that one didn’t work at all, the bedroom was even deader than before). I wish I shared your optimism, but we are getting close to a decade of marriage with no substantive change for the positive, only gradual and constant regression. I hope things get better with your crazy brute of a husband! He needs to knock that shit off if you ask me!

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          1. We’re on to our 23 year. I know he’s frustrated as he’s got a high sex drive. He told me he rushes things along as I tend to fall asleep midway or if he waits for me it would take forever.
            You’ve got a baby it can dampen things a bit. Kids don’t help with feeling sexy .
            Plus you’re always tired. Hubby used to jump me even when I was asleep. It drove me nuts until I put an end to it. I was walking around like a zombie most days from lack of sleep.
            I don’t let things get me down I’m that stubborn . If I wasn’t we’d me divorce by now years ago. Probably in our first year of marriage.

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            1. Crazy, you definitely have one of the most unique relationships I’ve ever heard of! Thanks for the perspective, putting up with it that long gives us all hope, lol. I can’t imagine another decade like this without cheating. Guess that means I need to either fix things or find another girl. Funny, this sounds like what my mom told me about my dad after they divorced, she says it was all the time he was forcing himself on her, day and night. I have a high sex drive, but I have no desire to be with a woman when she doesn’t want me. I know that kids don’t help, it was bad before the baby, and non existent for the most part since with the usual defense of “the baby will hear”. I’m stubborn and persistent and an eternal optimist as well, sometimes I think many of those are bad things, other times I’m not so sure…

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              1. True about the stubborn bit because it can be our downfall. If cheating works and you can sustain your relationship then I don’t see why not ? People mistaken love for having to be monogamous . I disagree.
                Sex is important in a relationship and well you need sex to be happy and happy means you treat the other person better thus on the whole the relationship benefits. The other person (being cheated on ) needs to leave ego out of it and it thrives . I know when I was cheating we had a much better sex life. Though hubby was upset I think it turned him on that other guys wanted his wife .

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    1. I’ve jerked off in bed without her knowing, she sleeps pretty soundly. She is disgusted and insulted by the idea of me pleasuring myself and has said so on several occasions. I wouldn’t ever jerk off with her knowledge. But thanks for the idea. I think all you ladies here are just trying to make me jealous of what your boyfriends/husbands have at home πŸ˜›. Honestly, I don’t think any of you have even the remotest thing in common with my wife sexually, and I mean that as a compliment!

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      1. I surely am not trying to make you jealous; I just want to get you laid! Not that it has any similarities, but I have ‘dry spells’ due to memories of being raped. Even my bf touching my shoulder makes me shudder. All there is to do is to show her that sex can be rewarding for her… I know, easier said than done. For me, I like how close I feel with my bf; it’s safe, it’s familiar, I feel loved.

        But I also think troubled is onto something with the weight thing as well, but that is a topic that is never brought up if you know what’s good for you.

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    2. I agree with ‘bexoxo’ jerking off for me works too! It was hard to watch without being embarrassed, when I was immature to my sexual desires, now I love it!

      I think a lot of her difficulties sound self esteem. I was very heavy after having two kids. And even then I still thought I was hot damn. It’s also upbringing and the way you’re taught to look at sex. Mix the two and it’s disaster.

      She should really have therapy to help her resolve these. And if you want to get all biblical- any good Bible based one will tell her it goes against principals to withhold sex in marriage. I have books- damn I need to get you the name of one actually really good author. Talks about scheduling sex once a week even if you don’t feel like it. Fake it till you make it. Was actually a great read, Christian author, so she may approve πŸ™‚

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      1. Sure, she knows her “wifely duties” etc according to the Bible, and plenty of other things that she should be doing, but don’t we all πŸ˜‰. There’s always a way to rationalize and explain something away. Yeah, we tried to do once a week thing for a while, no matter what. I got to really hating it honestly, at least when we waited till she was at least a little horny then it wasn’t so bad, but doing it once a week with a completely disinterested wife was downright painful, discouraging, and cemented in my own mind that I was disgusting and unattractive for the longest time. I finally had to say, “if you are really this not into it, let’s just stop the weekly requirement.” Of course, then it dropped off completely. I’m not sure which was worse honestly. Who knows, could try again since she enjoyed it more the last couple times, we’ll see. But I have a feeling it would probably just breed resentment since we are already so busy these days.

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        1. I hear you on all accounts and damn! Well, my conscious at least can be clear, I’ve shared my knowledge. Now I won’t feel bad about lusting after you- not that I ever did. πŸ˜‰
          Nah, hopeful you really just find a fix. xo

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