From the day he was born. He was the happiest
And richest man on earth, king of the Myrmidons,
And although he was a mortal, the gods gave him
An immortal goddess to be his wife.
My wife came home and exploded like a low yield thermonuclear weapon, I’m sure you could all see the mushroom cloud. Despite my efforts to have the place spotless, she managed to find about a dozen items to ream me over. I cuddled and tickled my son while she walked around the house pointing out issues. Things finally calmed down and we put the baby to bed and sat on the couch grumpily together. I built a fire in the fireplace and we drank our hot cocoa in silence. I mostly sat and thought about Sierra. Once again, I realized that the girl was a complete and total enigma to me. I was 99.99% certain at this point that she was not going to destroy me with her evidence of our affair. It had either been a really elaborate joke, very well acted on her part, or she really had casually and lazily blackmailed me and when it didn’t work out right away gave it up. I saw both as equally likely alternatives. She was a mystery to say the least, but I realized now how much I missed her. I thought for sure that I had no fondness for her left, but I realized my love for her would never stop. Maybe Sierra was just an idea in my head, a symbol of what I wanted: to turn the world back in its course and make myself twenty again, to do it all over, and Sierra was that girl, the one I wanted to be with right at the beginning, my girlfriend and college romance that would one day end when we both graduated, broke up, and went on with our lives. I suppose I’d had that, far more briefly, and not in the way I wanted, but I suppose I was lucky to have had it at all after having squandered my youth. The memories of us together were more pervasive than ever, even just thinking about her, I got up to go to the rest room and realized I had been sitting with a warm semi-hard on, but I’m sure my wife wouldn’t have noticed since she was just sitting there on her phone paying me no mind.
I went back to the couch and sat, the fire still going strong and crackling while the rain poured down outside, streaking down the windows, the storm obscuring the surrounding scenery. The distance between my wife and I was palpable. Sierra had been my release from all this. As long as I had some semblance of a relationship with her, I could endure anything at home. My wife could hurl any abuse my way and I could take it, knowing it was far less than I deserved for what I was doing. Part of me wished Sierra would show up this weekend and talk to my wife, tell her everything, then this would be over. I knew she wouldn’t, she was probably on her way home for Christmas by now.
Finally, I thought to myself, “well, this is my life, better make the best of it.” And then, “Fuck this bullshit.” I got up and sat right next to my wife, she gave me a quizzical look and asked what I was doing.
“I’m making up with you.”
“Yeah? After having sex with other girls while I was gone?”
“You know it.” Her accusing me of having sex with other women was nothing new really, I don’t think she really believed it. If only she knew that I’d tried and failed.
I put my arm around her, brushed my hand across her chin then gently turned her face from her phone to look at me, before kissing her. We ended up having sex right there, I took her in the bedroom and fucked her hard and deep, I think I’m finding the secret to vaginal with her: as deep as possible. She loved it, moaning constantly right up to her orgasm. She would hardly look at me during it, but she only talked about non-sex related stuff a couple of times which was a good change, if she started to get off on things I’d just pound her harder till she couldn’t help but moan. It was nice, and ironic that I’d tried to hook up the last few days and then ended up with my wife the first few hours of her being back. We cuddled, watched an old movie, and had a generally good evening.
Still, Sierra’s phantom is everywhere. When I made coffee this morning, I could see her lying in the bedroom, with her perfect little naked body wrapped in my sheets, and I walk in, sit down next to her and gently wake her with a kiss. When I looked at the fridge, I saw her standing there in her sweatshirt holding a mug of coffee, picking through and eating my leftovers. When I showered, well you know, still can’t get the images of the best shower of my life out of my head. Each of these things only happened once, but somehow they still persist. Even sex with my wife is tainted now (not that it wasn’t before). Even though the sex has both existed and improved the last couple times, my wife and I have never had amazing mountaintop sexual experiences. Never fucked all night, or all morning, or anything like that, it is a 10-30 minute experience typically. But I’d had two of those mountaintop experiences with Sierra, and now they were forever etched in my mind, those incredible moments of being with her. I missed her, I almost wanted to text her, but I knew it was over, she was gone for good, besides, she wanted it to be over, I had thought I wanted it to be over (but now I realized I didn’t despite all that had happened). But, it ended as best it could. I wondered how different things would have been if I found that I could have sex in a car and on a conference room table, and could have continued to drive her wild but I now know that I’m uncomfortable doing those things for some reason and my dick won’t work. One thing that I appreciated about Sierra was she won’t be with you if she doesn’t want to. She is selfish and vain, and has no loyalty. Sex with her was primal, you earned the right to mate with her. For all her lies, there was an honesty about sex with her. She didn’t do it out of love or anything like that. If she thought you’d meet her needs and desires, only then would she fuck you. I realized how appealing that was to me. I didn’t want someone having sex with me because they have some duty or loyalty to me, or even that they are emotionally invested and love me, or worse that they pitied me or believed they couldn’t do much better for themselves so they settled. No, I wanted them to want me, to be attracted to me, to pick me above the other options. For sex to be a victory in a struggle. That is why I wanted Sierra so much, but that is why we were also not together anymore. She no longer desired me and had moved on. I had to accept that what made our sexual relationship wonderful also brought about its own demise. It was carrying the seed of its own destruction all along. I’m glad I had that experience for as brief as it was. I wanted love and intimacy, and perhaps even some loyalty, but thinking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way with Sierra, except for when things started to fall apart of course.
I got to work today, still trying to accept that my life was this way. I found myself still going back to Tinder, hitting up CL. I just wasn’t satisfied. It was the same thing, I wanted to see what was out there, what my opportunities would be. I was ready for another whirlwind romance. I knew I wasn’t going to get over Sierra anymore than I already had. I knew I should just call it quits, throw myself into working on my marriage, but I knew it could never be what I had had with Sierra and I wanted to top that. Even now, I’m trying to persuade myself to stop this madness and give the marriage another spin. It had gotten better, maybe it could get better still. It isn’t helping that, in spite of our make up last night, my wife had called and texted several times an hour to rage against some thing or another, related to what I’d failed to do while she was away. I was in the midst of a raging internal battle, but the void Sierra had left behind made it sound deathly silent.
I finally decided to go onto her Instagram. It had been over a week since I’d seen it, I figured after the whole blackmail thing she would have removed me from her followers, in which case I’d see nothing more of her private profile. I was surprised she hadn’t, and I was even more surprised at what I saw. Her Instagram bio had only been one line last time I checked (just some silly cute misspelled sentence, it suited her perfectly). When I went on there this time, there was a second line, it read:
“and have a lovely life, my heartbreaking friend”
They were my final words to her. And her only new post to her nearly 1,000 followers, a screenshot of my recent text message:
Maybe her heart isn’t as black as I had thought. She knows my love for literature and quotes; I’ve never seen her make one herself. I’ll choose to believe that our relationship meant something to her, affected her in some way, even if I’m certain it meant more to me. I was surprised she quoted Homer. So, from her perspective I’m apparently Peleus, father of Achilles, and the husband of Thetis the sea-nymph (how fitting considering their rocky relationship). I wonder what that makes her, no doubt an Amazon. Only fitting, men were not permitted among the Amazons, but Peleus joined an expedition and entered their forbidden country. Much like a married 30 year old doesn’t belong in the promiscuous college scene. But now, that is a very self-centered interpretation on my part. Maybe it isn’t a perfect metaphor, but has a simpler, more vain explanation: she’s the goddess and I’m just the mortal man. In either case, maybe this is her sagely advice to “count my blessings”. If it is, she’s not wrong. Then I realized, the interpretation of that verse from her perspective probably had nothing to do with me. Perhaps my words had done nothing but fuel her conceit. Maybe I wasn’t Peleus, but he was her future husband and she was Thetis the goddess. Makes sense with how she’s portraying this message, she has just finished school and is probably passing it off as a farewell from one of her school friends. She probably doesn’t view this as a poignant ending as I do. But, that girl will never cease to surprise me I’m sure. All the same, I’m glad to have known her. I left her a comment, “Well, Thetis, I hope you find your King Peleus one day when you are ready.” I resisted adding “and hopefully he is a true Trojan hero because he’s going to have to wrap it up tight,” ba-dum ching, thank you folks, you’ve been great, I’ll be here all week.
This one’s for you, little hearbreaker: