Thetis

From the day he was born. He was the happiest
And richest man on earth, king of the Myrmidons,
And although he was a mortal, the gods gave him
An immortal goddess to be his wife.

My wife came home and exploded like a low yield thermonuclear weapon, I’m sure you could all see the mushroom cloud. Despite my efforts to have the place spotless, she managed to find about a dozen items to ream me over. I cuddled and tickled my son while she walked around the house pointing out issues. Things finally calmed down and we put the baby to bed and sat on the couch grumpily together. I built a fire in the fireplace and we drank our hot cocoa in silence. I mostly sat and thought about Sierra. Once again, I realized that the girl was a complete and total enigma to me. I was 99.99% certain at this point that she was not going to destroy me with her evidence of our affair. It had either been a really elaborate joke, very well acted on her part, or she really had casually and lazily blackmailed me and when it didn’t work out right away gave it up. I saw both as equally likely alternatives. She was a mystery to say the least, but I realized now how much I missed her. I thought for sure that I had no fondness for her left, but I realized my love for her would never stop. Maybe Sierra was just an idea in my head, a symbol of what I wanted: to turn the world back in its course and make myself twenty again, to do it all over, and Sierra was that girl, the one I wanted to be with right at the beginning, my girlfriend and college romance that would one day end when we both graduated, broke up, and went on with our lives. I suppose I’d had that, far more briefly, and not in the way I wanted, but I suppose I was lucky to have had it at all after having squandered my youth. The memories of us together were more pervasive than ever, even just thinking about her, I got up to go to the rest room and realized I had been sitting with a warm semi-hard on, but I’m sure my wife wouldn’t have noticed since she was just sitting there on her phone paying me no mind.

I went back to the couch and sat, the fire still going strong and crackling while the rain poured down outside, streaking down the windows, the storm obscuring the surrounding scenery. The distance between my wife and I was palpable. Sierra had been my release from all this. As long as I had some semblance of a relationship with her, I could endure anything at home. My wife could hurl any abuse my way and I could take it, knowing it was far less than I deserved for what I was doing. Part of me wished Sierra would show up this weekend and talk to my wife, tell her everything, then this would be over. I knew she wouldn’t, she was probably on her way home for Christmas by now.

Finally, I thought to myself, “well, this is my life, better make the best of it.” And then, “Fuck this bullshit.” I got up and sat right next to my wife, she gave me a quizzical look and asked what I was doing.
“I’m making up with you.”
“Yeah? After having sex with other girls while I was gone?”
“You know it.” Her accusing me of having sex with other women was nothing new really, I don’t think she really believed it. If only she knew that I’d tried and failed.
I put my arm around her, brushed my hand across her chin then gently turned her face from her phone to look at me, before kissing her. We ended up having sex right there, I took her in the bedroom and fucked her hard and deep, I think I’m finding the secret to vaginal with her: as deep as possible. She loved it, moaning  constantly right up to her orgasm. She would hardly look at me during it, but she only talked about non-sex related stuff a couple of times which was a good change, if she started to get off on things I’d just pound her harder till she couldn’t help but moan. It was nice, and ironic that I’d tried to hook up the last few days and then ended up with my wife the first few hours of her being back. We cuddled, watched an old movie, and had a generally good evening.

Still, Sierra’s phantom is everywhere. When I made coffee this morning, I could see her lying in the bedroom, with her perfect little naked body wrapped in my sheets, and I walk in, sit down next to her and gently wake her with a kiss. When I looked at the fridge, I saw her standing there in her sweatshirt holding a mug of coffee, picking through and eating my leftovers. When I showered, well you know, still can’t get the images of the best shower of my life out of my head. Each of these things only happened once, but somehow they still persist. Even sex with my wife is tainted now (not that it wasn’t before). Even though the sex has both existed and improved the last couple times, my wife and I have never had amazing mountaintop sexual experiences. Never fucked all night, or all morning, or anything like that, it is a 10-30 minute experience typically. But I’d had two of those mountaintop experiences with Sierra, and now they were forever etched in my mind, those incredible moments of being with her. I missed her, I almost wanted to text her, but I knew it was over, she was gone for good, besides, she wanted it to be over, I had thought I wanted it to be over (but now I realized I didn’t despite all that had happened). But, it ended as best it could. I wondered how different things would have been if I found that I could have sex in a car and on a conference room table, and could have continued to drive her wild but I now know that I’m uncomfortable doing those things for some reason and my dick won’t work. One thing that I appreciated about Sierra was she won’t be with you if she doesn’t want to. She is selfish and vain, and has no loyalty. Sex with her was primal, you earned the right to mate with her. For all her lies, there was an honesty about sex with her. She didn’t do it out of love or anything like that. If she thought you’d meet her needs and desires, only then would she fuck you. I realized how appealing that was to me. I didn’t want someone having sex with me because they have some duty or loyalty to me, or even that they are emotionally invested and love me, or worse that they pitied me or believed they couldn’t do much better for themselves so they settled. No, I wanted them to want me, to be attracted to me, to pick me above the other options.  For sex to be a victory in a struggle. That is why I wanted Sierra so much, but that is why we were also not together anymore. She no longer desired me and had moved on. I had to accept that what made our sexual relationship wonderful also brought about its own demise. It was carrying the seed of its own destruction all along. I’m glad I had that experience for as brief as it was. I wanted love and intimacy, and perhaps even some loyalty, but thinking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way with Sierra, except for when things started to fall apart of course.

I got to work today, still trying to accept that my life was this way. I found myself still going back to Tinder, hitting up CL. I just wasn’t satisfied. It was the same thing, I wanted to see what was out there, what my opportunities would be. I was ready for another whirlwind romance. I knew I wasn’t going to get over Sierra anymore than I already had. I knew I should just call it quits, throw myself into working on my marriage, but I knew it could never be what I had had with Sierra and I wanted to top that. Even now, I’m trying to persuade myself to stop this madness and give the marriage another spin. It had gotten better, maybe it could get better still. It isn’t helping that, in spite of our make up last night, my wife had called and texted several times an hour to rage against some thing or another, related to what I’d failed to do while she was away. I was in the midst of a raging internal battle, but the void Sierra had left behind made it sound deathly silent.

I finally decided to go onto her Instagram. It had been over a week since I’d seen it, I figured after the whole blackmail thing she would have removed me from her followers, in which case I’d see nothing more of her private profile. I was surprised she hadn’t, and I was even more surprised at what I saw. Her Instagram bio had only been one line last time I checked (just some silly cute misspelled sentence, it suited her perfectly). When I went on there this time, there was a second line, it read:

“and have a lovely life, my heartbreaking friend”

They were my final words to her. And her only new post to her nearly 1,000 followers, a screenshot of my recent text message:

2016-12-16 10_11_49.png

Maybe her heart isn’t as black as I had thought. She knows my love for literature and quotes; I’ve never seen her make one herself. I’ll choose to believe that our relationship meant something to her, affected her in some way, even if I’m certain it meant more to me. I was surprised she quoted Homer. So, from her perspective I’m apparently Peleus, father of Achilles, and the husband of Thetis the sea-nymph (how fitting considering their rocky relationship). I wonder what that makes her, no doubt an Amazon. Only fitting, men were not permitted among the Amazons, but Peleus joined an expedition and entered their forbidden country. Much like a married 30 year old doesn’t belong in the promiscuous college scene. But now, that is a very self-centered interpretation on my part. Maybe it isn’t a perfect metaphor, but has a simpler, more vain explanation: she’s the goddess and I’m just the mortal man. In either case, maybe this is her sagely advice to “count my blessings”. If it is, she’s not wrong. Then I realized, the interpretation of that verse from her perspective probably had nothing to do with me. Perhaps my words had done nothing but fuel her conceit. Maybe I wasn’t Peleus, but he was her future husband and she was Thetis the goddess. Makes sense with how she’s portraying this message, she has just finished school and is probably passing it off as a farewell from one of her school friends. She probably doesn’t view this as a poignant ending as I do. But, that girl will never cease to surprise me I’m sure. All the same, I’m glad to have known her. I left her a comment, “Well, Thetis, I hope you find your King Peleus one day when you are ready.” I resisted adding “and hopefully he is a true Trojan hero because he’s going to have to wrap it up tight,” ba-dum ching, thank you folks, you’ve been great, I’ll be here all week.

This one’s for you, little hearbreaker:

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22 thoughts on “Thetis

  1. It sounds like your wife is just as unhappy as you. You are never going to be her husband emotionally. I wonder if you are husband material. Her anger is probably because she senses this and has no idea why she feels crazy. You are not a nice person while married to her.
    Both of you are young enough to find a better, more fulfilling, life. In this case divorce looks like the best for both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unfortunately, divorce is just one of several bad choices. Perhaps it is the best option, I’m not certain. We could stay together and I could keep cheating, we could stay together and I could become a veritable eunuch most of the year while trying to solve what I can, or we could divorce and hope for the best. Each comes with its risks, challenges, and drawbacks. I’ve discussed the divorce issue before, it isn’t simple, that would overturn and destroy most of the relationships in my life, risk losing my son, my wife would need to move back with her parents with him in tow or move to another state where I could support them financially. I can barely support us as is and costs would go up considerably with separate households. Her job and future relationship prospects aren’t good either. I’m considering it, but I hope you can understand why I hesitate plunging off that cliff. Perhaps I’m not a nice person or husband material, not sure what makes one so. My wife does have a terrible temper, and it will even out in a couple of days. She does confide in me every day and I listen and offer my support, so I believe I’m there for her emotionally. Just because I carry on a deception doesn’t prove that I’m not. I don’t lash out against her or treat her unkindly. I’m not perfect, but I’m not sure how you are gathering the husband material, emotional availability, or nice person parts. I guess cheating disqualifies one from these? Just wondering, how so?

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  2. Lies. That is how so. Your life is one long lie. The reason you are not husband material is because you love adrenaline more than you love your wife. You love hunting women, not your wife. See if she wants an open marriage. If not then you have your answer. You want the thrill of the chase and new sexual partners. If she doesn’t then if you continue cheating you are robbing her of being able to make decisions about her life.
    Have you considered you might have a personality disorder? People with those make terrible spouses. Have you considered you might have a sexual addiction? The frantic way you stay on the chase says something about you.

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    1. Thanks for the reply. True, there are lies and cheating is wrong. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, honestly, I don’t think I love adrenaline. I don’t like sneaking around. I do desire that a relationship that fills in the missing areas from my marriage. But, I think you’ve oversimplified the situation. I don’t love any of these things simply more than I love my wife, if I did, then divorce would be even more appealing. I do want what is best for my wife. You are conflating doing something to knowingly hurt someone with taking a risk of hurting someone. I am doing the latter. I’m sure you’d deem the risk unacceptable and equal with choosing the risk over my wife, but I don’t see it that way. I didn’t enter this risk without having tried for years to pursue my wife to no avail. I don’t want to rob her of the decision. I haven’t told her about my cheating, but I have tried to discuss divorce and our options for our life. She abhors the idea of divorce and would rather things remain as they are. Discussing open marriage would be a recipe for complete destruction, you’ll have to take my word for it.

      Sure, I may have a personality disorder, anyone who doesn’t consider the possibility isn’t keeping their mind open. All the same, I did undergo 2 years of weekly therapy for a traumatic event some years back, no clinical diagnosis was ever made. Sex addiction seems unlikely, but I don’t know what the clinical symptoms actually. I am satisfied with sex 1-2 times a week and don’t feel compelled to engage in compulsive sex/masturbation. I think the frantic search is more a byproduct of a desire to have a relationship on the side that fills in the needs I’m missing from my marriage, and the constant searching is an acknowledgement that it is extremely difficult to find partners (took a full year the first go around) so keeping open at all times is important.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can only react to what you write. Doing donuts?!? Sex where you might be caught? Trying to make a romance with someone who has acted so flakey that her conversations with you sound……I don’t know how they sound. Off the wall? I gather the sex is over the top so now you have obsessed over her. She actually sounds like a blank page that you can put your own story on.
        I just wonder why your wife stays so angry with you. The two of you seem to feed off frustrations with each other to justify bad behavior.
        One thing about blogs. If you cheat you will have cheerleaders. If you are cheated on you will have lots of company.
        She is the mother of your child. You owe her some honesty.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Fair enough, I know I can only paint an incomplete, one sided picture. Haha, I never said that I used the best judgement, or that my feelings and behavior in regards to Sierra were mature or correct. It wasn’t my desire or intention to feel the way I do about Sierra. And you are right, Sierra is more of a symbol, perhaps most of what was there I put there.

          The story with my wife is a long one. I hate to use someone else’s bad behavior to justify my own (though I suppose we all do that from time to time). She has always had a bad temper though, even when we were dating. She would blow up at the smallest issue or mistake. And yes, I take full responsibility for putting up with it and staying with her, foolish as that was. I know my decisions haven’t been the best, but I hope you understand the position I’ve put myself in doesn’t lend itself to good options.

          True enough, whatever you write about, whether victimhood or depraved activities, you will have some company. I have been extremely thankful for my regular commentators since they give me their honest opinions, however uncomfortable they may be, like yours for example.

          I owe my wife a lot of things, and I suppose she owes me much as well. We made vows to each other, I broke my vow of fidelity and she has broken her vows of love and cherishing. I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth at this point, even if I thought it was owed to her. From my view I owe her my love, protection, and support before all else. Sometimes I’m not sure how to achieve those ends, but right now I’m reasonably certain that coming clean with her would be disastrous. 2/2 of her past boyfriends cheated on her, wouldn’t be pretty. I’m not really afraid of what would happen to me (violence would not be unexpected), but I do fear what would happen to her and our child. There have been times I wish I didn’t know the truth of something. I don’t know what we owe people strictly speaking in terms of truth, but my concern is primarily what I can do to protect, love, and care for my wife and child. Believe it or not, up to you. I know that can be hard to see when you’ve witnessed me perform such selfish actions such as seeking and having sex with other women. Sometimes we compromise and risk things when we shouldn’t, or we do what we think we must. I feel I’m choosing from many very bad alternatives, there isn’t a right one, only, hopefully better ones.

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  3. I can understand why you still desire her. It will go away over time. I see her posting your text for much more selfish reasons. You described a really great person in that text. If I were her I would totally post it. “Look how awesome I am that a friend would send me such kind words.” Very vain. It is and always was about her.

    Sorry about your wife again. She seems really angry with you. That is super frustrating. If she put as much energy into building her relationship with you rather than tearing it apart…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Definitely correct. She is shameless 😛

      True enough, but I recognize it is her own foibles and insecurities coming out. This is par for the course when she’s had to take care of the baby without support for a time. I wish she would make more effort to build, but then again, so should I at this point.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m still in shock that you described your sex with your wife like she was on the same level as one of your hookups! I found it quite distasteful and couldn’t finish reading. Why I enjoy living vicariously through your escapades, I’d never talk about my husband in the same forum and way I described a one nighter.

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    1. “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

      Sorry to have made you uncomfortable. I expect many things I say on this blog rub people wrong. They are my inner most thoughts, experiences, and feelings. If the shoe was on the other foot and my wife was blogging about me anonymously I wouldn’t care what she said, as long as it was true to her experience. This blog is my way of sharing everything with the reader, and the depictions of sexual activity aren’t for erotic gratification (at least primarily) but rather to give the reader insight into my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable. It is my only place to share it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I completely get that and your purpose, shit and whatever. But if you put it out here on a blog for people to read you are bound to find someone who think something you say or do is in bad taste. Today that just happens to be me. It doesn’t mean I think you should or even would change for anyone, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m going to be quiet when I’m offended because I’m just real like that. And I respect you enough to be real as I feel you are with me when you give it to me straight in return. No hard feelings on my end. xo

        Liked by 1 person

          1. You know I will because I can’t help myself. You are my guilty pleasure or like an accident I can’t look away from, I haven’t quite figured it out yet, lol! However, I still have a ray of hope that one day I’ll open my email and there it is that one name I’ve been waiting for 😉 xo

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    2. Really? That’s kind of funny to me. It’s ok to describe the sex with a non-spouse but not with the spouse? I actually appreciated it because it shows the differences that are actually part of the reason this blog exists.

      What if a lover ends up becoming a spouse? What do you do then? Remove all the posts it just stop with any new posts?

      I guess I kind of figured the rule was that you never kiss and tell. Which means if you do end up kissing and telling then you’re free to kiss and tell all. Spouses are lovers too. And they could end up being ex-lovers and the current lovers on the side could become spouses. Relationships are fluid. How do you know what rule to follow when?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s not that I don’t think you should talk about sex with your spouse as much as I’m offended that he talks about his wife on the same level as he does his affairs. That is what offends me. I think he objectifies his wife quite honestly in the way that he talks about her and describes her. Just my take as a woman.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Once, I was the unhappy spouse. I had a blog. I had an affair. I was still married because I was concerned about living on my own while raising two children- I wasn’t sure that it was possible.
    You (now) and I (then) lacked perspective. Sure, self-awareness, articulation, etc., existed but so did/does projection, rationalizing, and deception.
    The divorce happened. Everyone figured out how to progress, survive, and thrive. Honesty/integrity has value, once again. So does love.
    I worked with many single parents and families and discovered a pattern: dysfunction stalls growth, happiness, and lies like hell that it’s better than living an open and honest life.
    Take another year… five… fifteen… to address the dysfunction: just keep in mind that you lose those years for healing and happiness.
    Maybe it’s just my take but you come across as so desperate for happiness that you’re ok with a different and additional dysfunction which you continue to deceive yourself with (and it’s truly difficult to read).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks! Your comment is a breath of fresh air. Perhaps you are right. Of course, we gain perspective as we forge new paths (for better or worse) and are able to look back on where we came from. That is what cheating has been like for me. We all seek happiness, just some of us are willing to sit and live in misery more than others. I was willing for a long time. I think when you say additional dysfunction you are meaning that new affairs I seeks may end up being dysfunctional and add to the overall dysfunction in my life. True, but many affairs are functional relationships (or so I’ve heard from others’). And all the same, I’m not sure I regret getting involved with Sierra in hindsight. Yes, our relationship was dysfunctional to the point of her blackmailing me, but I’m still finding it difficult to regret it in my mind. I feel I’ve grown from the experience, more than I’ve grown from any experience in a long time. But that would contradict the idea of dysfunction stalling growth. Rather, I’d think that apathy at dysfunction would stall growth. Living under it and doing nothing. Much like it would seem my wife is doing. I’m not trying to say I’m much better, perhaps the growth I’m feeling from cheating and doing something about it is some sort of false or foul growth, but it is some type of change. I’m not certain dysfunction and happiness are necessarily proportional either (at least they aren’t the only variables in the equation). I am happier now, sure I had a low spot when the Sierra broke up happened, but it is healing and I’m feeling better every day (as they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all). I’m glad you’ve gained perspective on your own life and I appreciate you sharing it with me, but we have different lives, and who knows if the same decisions in my life would lead to the similar results and perspectives down the road. I’ve heard it both ways. An honest life would be nice I suppose, but is it worth the price? I’m still unconvinced. Down the road I’ll know, and maybe you’ll have been proved right.

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  6. In my job, and my life, I have found that people often marry the wrong person. In this I am only talking about two normal people. No real deep seated issues, just incompatiblity. We love to think we have free will but, often family, friends, society push us to make decisions we later regret. In talking to friends of mine who had affairs and married the OP I found that each one felt guilty for hurting a nice man. These were truly good guys. I asked the women why they didn’t just divorce and they all said they thought there was something wrong with them because their husbands were such great people. They never thought about divorce until they met their OP. In one case the woman refused to have children so when she left she did not have to deal with little broken hearts. The others had children hurt by the divorce. I look like I am pushing this on you. Go back and read your blog. You barely say one nice thing about your wife. Instead you have let yourself get involved with a person who tried to blackmail you. And what is the deal with her mother? These sound like sketchy people.
    I hate to draw conclusions from a blog but grown men who troll online need to grow up or move out.

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    1. Certainly I married the wrong person, we are incompatible, plus we have deep seated issues. I don’t like to talk much about deep seated issue with my wife because honestly I’m burnt out on those, they are nothing new to me, and don’t really change (I do describe them to an extent early on in the prologues). I’m not trying to provide some balanced, objective narrative where I talk more about people I respect and love more, I’m mostly expressing, venting, exploring current thoughts and ideas. I know I need to focus more on my wife (not in my blog, in real life), but I also resist airing her dirty laundry. I don’t want to turn this into some negative roast about my wife, rather I’d like to talk about me and what I can/should/am doing. I have plenty of nice things to say about my wife, but also, those are outside the scope of this blog. I did make a mistake and get involved with someone that wanted to blackmail me, and I did marry a woman who is abusive in many ways, but what of it? I’m not sure what kind of story you were expecting, lol. The name of the site is confessions of an adulterer after all! This isn’t where you go for good advice and moral wisdom.

      Who’s mother? Sierra’s? Nothing to my knowledge, I just mentioned her mother because of a talk Sierra and I had about what her mother wanted for her relationship wise. I’m sure I posted about it but not going to look right now.

      I’m not sure I follow, do you consider me a troll? Someone who posts on someone else’s site just to be offensive, obnoxious, and cruel? Are you suggesting you’d rather I do what you wish or stop posting entirely? That won’t happen of course, you are free to choose to read what you want or not, your call. And I’m free to write as I see fit even if people disagree with me and my life choices (I can’t say that I’m a fan of them either, but there it is).

      Anyways, I appreciate your comments, but it seems we are at an impasse and may just need to respectfully agree to disagree for the time being.

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