Else Heart.Break()

Things have been rocky emotionally. I can’t figure myself out, much less anything else these days. I woke up feeling like it was time to turn over a new leaf. I was seeing the value in monogamy and wanting to turn honest and legit and stop living the lies. Throw everything I had into fixing my marriage (again, for the nth time). I even got to thinking spiritually this morning, perhaps Sierra’s betrayal was divine intervention, trying to bring me back to God. I don’t know, sometimes I think that things happen for a reason, or maybe it is us who just ascribe meaning to the events in our lives. I realized, all this probably warrants further investigation. As I’ve grown older and less sure of everything in my life and the world around me, spirituality is that much harder to approach. Using every capacity of human endowment, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual (if such endowment exists) I’ve sought out the meaning of it all, the truth, only to become less sure. But, after I started down the path of sin, violating every moral I’d grown up with, I no longer wanted to investigate, I was afraid that maybe, just maybe I’d find God, and then I’d need to change. I told myself, later, I’ll look into it later, then I’ll have had all my foolish memories of sinful behavior made, and can turn back to the straight and narrow. All of this was self-defeating, I well knew. We are trapped on our placid island of ignorance against the sea of blackness, and all we can do is see the shadows of true things, and speculate on their true nature. Still, the search needed to be made, so perhaps that was a good resolution, to reevaluate my faith, assumptions, and beliefs, to challenge them, and, using pragmatic reasoning, make my decisions.

I didn’t talk about my Tinder activity last night, I was so wrapped up in the Sierra business that I forgot to write about it. The one girl I didn’t name, we’ll name her ‘Nancy’ now, messaged me last night while I was multitasking with the Sierra business. She’s the one that appears to have an artificially enhanced bosom. Whatever, she appears to be pretty, but almost too good to be true which always makes me suspicious, but definitely a real person and not a bot. She told me that me being married wasn’t a problem for her (despite her vague comment earlier), and we talked for a bit. I wanted to be honest of what I had been up to lately, without boring her or turning her off. She asked what I’d been up to and I mentioned a few things about Sierra, but nothing super specific, I referred to her as my “ex” at this point which seemed to make sense.

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Despite all that was happening with Sierra, I just kept on autopilot with my honey-shouldn’t list. When she said she wanted to play it seemed promising, but I did have to go help my parents with some things so I was tied up right then (difficult dealing with that, Sierra, and Nancy all at the same time). But, sounded like she was down for meeting at 9 pm. I sent her some face pics and we got to talk about hosting, but then she disappeared without warning. Figured that she was talking to many men at once and looking for a quick hookup right then, so I guess my loss. She did message me at 11 pm that she wanted to see me right then. I wasn’t feeling too good about hooking up after having spoken to Sierra on the phone and was emotionally rocked by her betrayal. So I hesitated for 5 min before replying back that I was down, and could get us a hotel (I decided that would be safer for a first time meeting, especially after this business with Sierra). But I didn’t hear back from her. That was ok, I didn’t know if I could bring myself to have a hookup given what had just happened.

In other news, while this was all going on, I had messaged Maye to see if she wanted to have a beer at my place, but no reply (she was showing only 6 miles away, so pretty sure she lives nearby). From what I’ve read from other men’s experiences, you need to really strike at just the right time with Tinder. There are far more men than women and the app is a dream for women to be able to chat with dozens of men at once, so to rise above that noise you need to stand out and be available at just the right time if they are looking for a hook-up.

Towards the afternoon, I knew my wife would be coming home, so I messaged Sierra about dropping stuff at her apartment. She was out for the whole day she said, but asked me to drop it by the front office at the complex, she said to ask any dude to hold it for her, if they resisted tell them to give it to mattress dude (that’s the name I’d given him, she said his name of course). Apparently she was friendly with the guys at the office or something, and maybe she was doing something with mattress dude. Whatever, no longer my concern. It did remind me of something she mentioned in passing one time, we were out together, and she was laughing at something on her phone.
“My friend, she’s been into this guy, well she told me she was going to fuck him tonight, apparently they were at a party and she got drunk and now there is a whole bunch of dicks all up in her, like half a dozen guys besides him.”
I didn’t even know what to make of that statement, was she joking around with me? Was her friend really having a gang bang with like 6 guys and it is just some casual event? What has gotten into college girls these days? Perhaps hanging out with Sierra I was getting a glimpse of the seedy underbelly of the modern college scene. I couldn’t help but imagine Sierra getting gang banged by half a dozen staff from the apartment complex. What the hell. In any case, when I got to the office there, nobody seemed to know what I was talking about (but I was talking to a girl at the front desk, but the guys in back had a blank stare). I finally told them to give the package to mattress dude for Sierra. I’m not sure what is wrong with me, I don’t know why I felt compelled to give Sierra back her knife and then provide her with those bottles of hard cider. Probably because it was her knife, and I didn’t want to throw away good alcohol or leave it for my wife to find and ask about. Plus, my Christian upbringing always taught me to go the extra mile, so I threw in a nicely wrapped chocolate goodie package a coworker had given me (I get too many of these around Christmas and I wasn’t going to eat them all). I figured maybe the spirit of Christmas would melt her heart of ice and she’d be the better for it. Whatever, couldn’t hurt anyways (unless it inflated her big head even more). I told her what I’d done with the package, to enjoy it. I ended it with “have a lovely life, my heartbreaking friend”. She just sent back “Gracias”. I’m sure she is leaving for Christmas today or tomorrow. I haven’t heard from her since and I don’t expect to ever again.

I’m not sure how I feel now. Numb. I wonder what all this has been for? My heart should be broken, given Sierra’s betrayal and my past feelings for her, but I felt nothing.

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