It is funny, I didn’t feel guilty at all cheating on my wife with Anne, nor later with Sierra. Now I feel guilty. I’m finding when I try, and fail, that’s when I feel strong guilt. I think it is a self-conscious thing. If you’re gonna do wrong buddy do wrong right kinda thing. Now, it is hard to look at pictures of my wife and son, talk to them on the phone and on Skype. See people from Church. Talk to my friends and coworkers. I feel self-conscious, a failed criminal that’ll soon be found out. A dirty, stupid sleazeball. When I succeeded in cheating, it felt good, I felt powerful, attractive, it was reinforcing, there was no guilt or shame, hell, I wouldn’t mind so much being caught just so I could share my exploits. Ok, so I didn’t really want to get caught, but a part of me thought, maybe some people might be a tiny bit jealous, they may think, “hey, Jason, he’s got his mojo workin’, fuckin’ twenty somethings, what a cad”, some bullshit like that. Vanity of vanities. Now that I was failing, I felt I had to hide in my house, creep to my office and close my door and put my head down, then get back home before someone notices me. I didn’t feel social, or my gregarious self.
Yes, I could call up Anne for my last night without the wife, but it would be a pity fuck for her and for me. Now that I’ve tasted how incredible sex could be with Sierra, I need to get back there, or top it, no going back. What a way to end this episode. Time to start boarding up this part of my life for winter I do believe, it could be a long one. I thought my life was some exciting story, some novel unfolding in real life (maybe not a great novel, but it was my own), and for a time it was, but no more. I think it is the only way I’m going to endure, refocus my life on my marriage, my son, and my friends and hobbies, get back to enjoying being me. Because, right now, I don’t.
At least Sierra tried to keep things interesting for me, she texted me this morning:
“I need money to shut up”
“You don’t talk much as it is, so, not sure why I’d pay you to talk less, lol”
“To keep me quiet”
“That’s what I’m saying, you’re already too quiet, you should be asking me to pay you to speak, silly :P”
“Oh yeah? You want everyone to know?”
She sure was going on about this, and given that she’d asked for my address last night and my babies name, I did get to thinking she might make the incredibly dumb decision to try to blackmail me. Maybe her drug habit was worse than I thought.
“Knowledge is power they say, what wouldn’t I want people to know?
“Like I said, the more ya know, if you are omniscient you really should be sharing the mysteries of the universe with the rest of us mere mortals, haha. It would be quite selfish of me to deprive mankind of your knowledge of ‘everything’ by paying you to keep quiet”
“Awesome. We’ll make it a dinner party.”
More likely, this was a ploy by her just to fuck with me, thinking I’m insecure and fearful enough that I’d believe her. I have many weaknesses, particularly when it comes to female-relationships, but I can deal with blackmail in a mature manner. Already done it twice after all.
“Which world leaders should we invite? Oooo ooo, and Stephen Hawking has to be there, so we can wipe that smug look off his face when you demonstrate all his theories wrong. You did say you were always right when we first met, I guess I should have believed you :P” I feel really bad about that thing about Hawking, he is a smart cookie and making fun of the disabled is fucked up, but there you have it, I said it, I’m an ass.
“It really wouldn’t be much to make an effort to save that marriage”
“Hmm? You lost me there. Are you saying it wouldn’t take much effort for me to work on my marriage and make it better or…? Are we in a marriage advice giving mood, Sierra? I’m all ears.” That was odd, I’m not sure what she was getting at about the marriage thing, she was hardly in a position to be giving advice in that regard, but perhaps she had a point nonetheless.
She went silent for a while, so I texted:
“So, my wife is out for another day it looks like. Would you like to do something tonight? Go out and pickup wenches, stay in, etc? Probably be the last night I’m available since I can’t imagine my wife staying another day.”
Well, that’s that I suppose. At least she gave me a concrete answer finally. Maybe she just wants me to stew over her little blackmail charade. Maybe this is her way of trying to get me to buzz off, well, that would have been easy, just tell me ‘no’ earlier. She did have more than enough evidence to bury me, she could show my wife pictures and texts and I’d be done for. I’d lose my wife and child just like that. I probably deserved it, and honestly I wasn’t really afraid of that result. Maybe, Sierra could do what I couldn’t myself. But, I don’t think she’d be that stupid, she should know that what I’m doing isn’t illegal, while blackmail is a serious felony with massive fines and jail time. I had always been prepared for the possibility of blackmail after reading some horror stories so I’d planned for it early on. I was careful in divulging personal information in the first place. Once I knew enough about the person (like in Sierra’s case) then I could feel safe letting some details slip, like my name and address. But the trump card was always how I planned to deal with it. I wouldn’t pay, or if I did, it would be with the guarantee that I could hand them over to the police. I had dealt with blackmail twice, in both cases nothing came of it once they saw I had no intention of letting them scare me into paying them. Of course, I never met either of the criminals in person. After we’d been talking, exchanging information like they were potential affair partners, then they pulled of the mask and threatened to expose me unless I paid up. They tried to convince me that they knew who I was, who my wife was, and where I lived, which they didn’t. They were cold reading me, and it was pretty obvious, small time crooks no doubt making use of social engineering for an easy payday. If things went this direction with Sierra (highly doubtful), the plan was already in place. Get her to reveal that she was blackmailing me in as much detail as possible on record, not hard with text message records and a voice recorder on my phone. Once that was in hand, let her know that she can go tell my wife all she wants, what she is doing is a felony and I would go to the police, she’d be risking throwing her life away (especially a girl so close to graduating college, nobody wants to start off life not being employable or able to get housing), I wouldn’t and couldn’t pay her a dime. I figured this was some entertainment for her, and turned out to be fairly entertaining for me as well. We’ll see if she keeps it up. My greatest fear, would be she would go to my wife just for fun. I don’t think Sierra has that dark of a heart, but I also wouldn’t underestimate her. But, no sense in worrying.
Seeing this side of Sierra is certainly making things easier on me, I’m realizing what a ridiculous pedestal I’d put her on, and seeing her now as the immature, borderline-abusive girl that she appears to be. She really wants to end things this way? Well, fuck her then if she can’t even muster up a smidgen of basic human decency. Sadly, I’m feeling worse and worse about myself after this whole episode. I’m feeling like it is time to throw in the towel, I no longer like the person I’ve become. It is time for him to make his last stand and go down fighting, I hope he dies in a hail of bullets so I can be reborn, convinced that cheating isn’t worth all this effort and get to reinventing my life. Tonight, I’ll hit up Maye, I know a store where we can get our mutually favorite beer cheap, so I could invite her over for a drink, but perhaps that is too forward and might make her uncomfortable. I just figured might be good since she apparently lives 6 miles from me per Tinder (assuming she was at home when she messaged) and the bars are a good bit further, so perhaps convenience would win out over going to a public location. Have to give it some thought. I’ll keep cycling through my CL ads, but we are in the needle in a haystack odds again. Funny thing though. I answered a w4m ad, she was vague so I was hoping for a married woman. Turns out she was trading nudes of herself fundraising money for her son with scoliosis and heart problems (one of those things to help pay for the peripheral expenses of having to take him far away to specialists). Seemed legitimate enough once I reviewed the fundraising page (sure, anyone could put something like that up, but seems like a round about method, people sell nudes on CL all the time as just nudes, then again, I wouldn’t ever pay for nudes so maybe this is smart). It got to me, I’m a huge sucker when I see kids suffering, more now than ever that I have a son of my own. I donated some of the money I’d reserved for the time while my wife was out, told the lady to keep her pics (but if she ends up sending them I’m going to look, she’s pretty and I’ve still got a cock between my legs) and to keep being awesome for her son. That’s a lot of love in that mother to be willing to creatively sell herself to help her son like that. I knew I’d do the same for my son in a heartbeat (doubtful I’d be half as successful as her). Of course, she could just be taking me for a ride too, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been a sucker. I feel slightly better about myself now, I guess that is why we do good things for others, just so we can get those warm fuzzy feelings. Maybe I should stop questioning and dissecting and trying to make sense of everything, and just live.