I woke up with a severe headache after a heavy, dreamless sleep. Sierra answered none of my texts all day yesterday, I called her once, no answer, I asked her if she would finally get back to me in the early AM, she replied to that one, one word: “No”. The anticipation, the shakes, the feverish feeling, the pit in my stomach: all gone. My appetite is back, this is the quiet acceptance that nothing will happen, all I can do is forfeit or play the game out to its foregone conclusion. But, I’m not a quitter, I’ll play to the end, whatever end it may be.
I’m realizing how lucky I was last time. How little control I have. A man doesn’t feel good being at the mercy of destiny. We like to be believe that we are masters’ of our destiny, that we are the ones who make things happen in our lives. That we can do anything, we just need to set our mind to it. And we can do a lot, build skyscrapers, fly jets through the air, descend beneath the waves in submarines, and fly to the moon, but we can’t make a woman love us. Finding an affair partner for a man is a shot in the dark, or in my case, thousands of shots in the dark hoping I can hit something. I suppose I could hit the bars, find myself a one-night stand. I don’t know, maybe, I’ve never picked up a girl at a bar (Lord knows I tried in my younger days, but I was awkward and even more boring then). I have no compunction now about approaching women, but all the same, sounds like a risky waste of an evening. Plus, I’d have to be dishonest, not revealing that I’m married. And I need to be home at some point to take care of the pets that my wife left behind this time.
Last night, I did everything I could. I used up all my Tinder likes for the day, nothing. I’m now up to 15 ads running on CL, no legit responses. I’ve responded to every w4m ad. I always skim the m4w section to see where my ads are in the placement, trying to make sure there is always one or two in each screenful. I’m always amused at some of the titles and I’ll occasionally click on a few. I can’t imagine real ladies every checking out or replying to most of these, usually a bunch of fat balding dudes, ugly with their hairy cocks out, looking classy with their dirty underwear on the floor. Unimaginative titles like “show me your double D boobs!” and shit like that. I don’t know, I shouldn’t be critical, I’m sure plenty of people make fun of my ads. I clicked on one right below one of mine in the listing “You Only Live Once” was the title. Given how much Sierra likes to say that, I bet she’d clicked on this guy’s ad. I almost wish I hadn’t looked. This fucker posted a full nude with just his face blocked, fucking Adonis. Ripped, six pack, tall, 10 lbs of cock on the screen hanging down. Invites a girl to come over to his condo so he can fuck her, slap her ass, pull her hair, and fill her pussy with cum over and over. I’d bet that Sierra would be there instantly, she was probably there right now getting pounded by this dude’s huge cock. I hadn’t a prayer against this guy. How does that feel you might ask? I felt that I was sitting around the tribe’s campfire 6,000 years ago, naked and alone with just the stars overhead for company, as this alpha takes my prized female off to his tent to breed her till sunrise propagating his selfish genes in her womb while I languish by the fire hearing her distant moans of pleasure as his huge penis plunges in and out of her, the comely body that was all-too-briefly mine, her cry reaching a crescendo as he groans heavily as he fills her with his semen, and then it starts all over again minutes later. All I can do is hang my head and try to focus on the sound of the wind and the crackle of the fire, just a discarded omega with inferior genetic makeup, doomed to be lost to history as the unselected or to breed with a less desirable female and produce weaker offspring destined only to be wiped out or enslaved by the master race of children being produced at that very moment by their beautiful future parents, vainly trying to warm my empty heart of ice while the wolves howl in the distance, all my tears long cried out, and nothing to do but wait for death to erase my useless genetics from the earth’s biosphere. So, in short: “not good”. Nothing changes, birth control may get in the way of producing actual offspring, our comparatively peaceful modern society reduces violence and enslavement to milder, more peaceful forms of exploitation and domination, but all of our primal instincts remain intact. For a man to not be selected by his desired mate is tantamount to annihilation. The strong survive and breed, and the weak perish. Nature is a harsh, uncaring bitch, but we can’t escape her, she still invades every thought and every feeling we have. No one to blame, nobodies fault, it is just the way things are. Only human love and altruism (or the illusions thereof) make the world tolerable to live in. I had my chance with Sierra, she saw my weakness and now she’s moved on. I guess I should consider myself lucky, I probably wasn’t worthy of her sexual attention in the first place, but she was fooled temporarily, or maybe it was just convenience. But, now she sees me as I am: progenitally unworthy of her. I’m speaking out of my ass of course, once again, I’m letting my imagination run wild. Every bit of this pain is self-inflicted as usual. Also, I hate evolutionary “just so” myths, they are often made up by evolutionary biologists/psychologists on the spot without any real evidence to back them up, but they are part of our everyday culture, and many of us fear them to be true, deep down, we all fear that we are just biological robots who lack freewill and can’t escape our baser nature, that we are little more than beasts.
I’ll live. Everyone comes to the realization at some point that they aren’t the best, the prettiest, the strongest, the smartest, and just has to come to self-acceptance, accepting their place in social pecking order. It seems, I rose above my rank briefly and now have been humbled. I know I’m just fighting against my own nature and that is why I feel the way I do. The real beauty in any man or woman is to dream and to strive to be something more than the sum of their genetic material, to overturn the social stratum through their ingenuity, cunning, and force of will. But, that will always come with its successes and its failures. Seems like I’m headed towards the latter.