I’m feeling a bit better this afternoon. Headache as been almost all day despite energy drinks, acetaminophen and ibuprofen dosing. I tried texting Sierra a few times, just to say I still need to give her back her knife and I was going to give her the extra hard cider I hadn’t drank since I didn’t feel like drinking 5 bottles of hard cider that evening and didn’t want to explain them to my wife (I don’t usually buy that stuff, the fewer questions the better I figure). She didn’t respond to that, so I figured I’d offer one more time:
You should come over so we can have dinner, smoke, and chill. Or you can wingman for me while I try to pick up wenches downtown, your call.
She seemed to really like the later option. We talked about our favorite bars and made plans for me to pick her up at 10 pm. I wasn’t sold on going to a bar to pickup a one night stand, but looks like that is this evening’s diversion. This could be a disaster. Well, better than sitting home and doing nothing. With Sierra in tow, anything could happen. I tried to steer her to bars with a younger crowd so we could avoid my friends and coworkers who might be out (unlikely, but still).
With the exception of my marriage, this has to be the worst idea I’ve ever had. I’m just begging Sierra to plunge her fist into my chest, rip out my still beating heart, chop it up with a santoku knife, roll it in sea-weed and rice and force feed it to me (with no deference to the fact that I hate sushi). Chances of me going home with someone are on the lower end (being married means extra caution, hell, I don’t think I could lie to someone, I’d probably tell them they are very nice but I can’t do anything with them and leave it at that) while the chances of her going home with someone are very high indeed, and the chances of me being incredibly jealous and imagining them in the throes of passion for the rest of the evening (and my life to come) are even higher. I’m scared to death of the possibility, but now I’m committed and I want to see this through. Perhaps it is foolish to think of facing this fear as a growth experience, perhaps this is me headed for unnecessary pain and suffering, but I’m tired of hiding at home in the shadows, I’m going down swinging if I must. I could use a little adventure to end this monotonous chapter. Some might say I’m playing into her hands, being a dancing monkey, I don’t think so. By all logic, I should want to go, a night out drinking and bar-hopping should be a fun experience, and I enjoy being with Sierra, this should be a fitting end to my wife being gone. I’m not going to let my insecurity stand in my way any longer, fuck it, if I get hurt, that’s on me. If Sierra just wants to fuck with me, fine, at least I’ll have beer at the ready and other girls to talk to even if I don’t go home with anyone. I’m not even going to mention the possibility that I could run into someone I know and give the game away. The way the week has been going, wouldn’t surprise me if she flakes out on me and we don’t go out. No punctuation mark to end things while my wife was gone, that would be just lovely.
It’s pathetic, but I honestly want to go home with Sierra tonight, but I don’t think that’ll happen. Seems we are hardly even friends anymore, but, sex or no, perhaps this will be one last fond memory together before she is gone for good.
If I somehow survive, you probably won’t hear anything from me today.
Darn it Freddie, why’d you have to go and leave us, I need you now.