Wake Up Alone

Or suppose that he gets drowsy in some even more abnormal position; sitting in an armchair, say, after dinner: then the world will fall topsy-turvy from its orbit, the magic chair will carry him at full speed through time and space, and when he opens his eyes again he will imagine that he went to sleep months earlier and in some far distant country.

A lonely night plays funny tricks on the mind. As soon as I turn off the light on my nightstand, it is as if the nocturnal, dark desperate thoughts that had been banished to the dark recesses of my mind begin their stealthy creeping, until they cast their shadows across the bedroom, gathering around me as I sleep, whispering their depraved words, they know my deepest fears better than anyone after all.

I woke up around 4 am, not an uncommon occurrence when I’ve had stressful events. It was accompanied by a headache. I took a couple ibuprofen and a glass of water, checked my messages. Nothing from Sierra since I last messaged her. We’d texted back and forth playfully all of yesterday, I asked if she wanted to come over, she said ok, but we made no firm plans. I called her after I was done at a friend’s party and we talked for a bit.
“So, are you going to hang out with me tonight?”
“Hmmm, it’s rainy out.”
“I’ll put a fire in the fireplace and you can wear my slippers while I make you hot cocoa.” I sighed.
“How about tomorrow?”
A lot of long pauses in our conversation, she seemed tired, like she was lying in bed being lazy as she often does. She certainly wasn’t up to much this evening by the sounds of it.
“Anymore word on your failed final?”
“Oh my god, don’t talk to me about school, bye.”
And she hung up. She may just be toying with me, but all this is very characteristic of our first interactions. I had had a lot of confidence I’d see her, given the amount of messages we’d sent back and forth, but as usual, I guess you can’t expect anything with Sierra. I was at the very least hoping for a 3 am wake up text like the first time, but nothing.

Yesterday was too busy, I did manage to get out to the grocery store and stock up on supplies for while my wife is gone. Of course, I would never cater to Sierra’s childish whims, especially when I’m not certain I’ll even see her, but I figured I’d still get a few things I know she likes: bacon, hard cider, oranges, sourdough bread, may as well, not like they’ll go to waste. Yes, I know, this twenty-something has me wrapped around her finger, but what can I say, I’ve had a dream for this weekend for a while. Doesn’t seem like it is coming true. I didn’t have time to get on Tinder, I need a new profile photo (one that doesn’t show my face but isn’t the same as other photos I’ve used in the past). No replies to CL ads (besides more dudes looking to suck some dick), every single one the same “hey man, I no you said no dudes, but if no women get back to you…”, I guess I should be flattered, no reason to be angry, if I was gay and horny I’d probably be doing the same thing, after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I’m really just going through the motions, I only have a desire to see Sierra, but I’m trying anyways even if I lack conviction.

I couldn’t get back to sleep this morning after waking early. I checked the desperate ads people sometimes post at 2 or 3 am, hoping to get lucky. I replied to a couple from w4m, one was a bot, the other no response. Finally, got desperate enough to post one myself in m4w, which just garnered 5 more guys-guys-wanting-to-suck-dick responses. I finally jerked off. Early morning wake up alone jerk offs are the worst, they leave me feeling like I had a bad hang over. Utterly unfulfilling and regrettable. Jerking off is only fun when it is a priority, not a last resort.

I’m glad I have this blog to wake up to, or I think I’d go crazy. My desire for Sierra is unreal, but she is just out of reach. I’ll sit here, sip my energy drink and hope this headache goes away, then I’ll probably text my renter, who is also in the midst of finals (luckily he and Sierra are not classmates), and offer to make him the breakfast I’d planned for Sierra.


10 thoughts on “Wake Up Alone

  1. Two things:.
    What possesses you to lead a group,of any age at a church? You are beating the Ten Commandments to death.
    Have you rad about Limerence? Your yearning fits the definition perfectly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just habit I suppose. I’ve been a Christian over 20 years, I’ve been a lying cheat adulterer for about 4 months. But seriously, I’d step down if I could, I’m the one who created the program in the first place and only one willing to run it at this time. I was hoping this would be a phase and I’d presumptuously repent and get better, but surprise, surprise, not getting any better. I live as a Christian in name only and I’m not sure where to go from here. Probably reduce my responsibilities in the short term, I don’t want to make any massive changes yet like renouncing my faith.

      Thanks for the word of the day! Wasn’t familiar with the proper term but I’m sure most anyone familiar with concepts of love and relationships would be familiar with the ideas of romantic obsession and attachment, whether they’ve experienced them or not. Course, knowing another word for them doesn’t help make it any better, sadly. But I always like learning a new term, thanks, I’ll have to use that one.


      1. When I was 15, our youth pastor got caught banging one of the high school girls. He was my best bud, the Batman to my Robin. I was crushed.
        I was also the preachers kid and wasn’t allowed to grieve his leaving the church.
        I’m an adulterer too, as you well know. My only word to you is watch out for those kids. If your new lifestyle goes public there are certainly one or two who will be devastated.
        Nearly 30 years later I still talk to him every now and then and I still mourn a little for what could have been.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I am really scared what will happen to kids in the group if I’m found out. Hell, the whole congregation would be devastated since I’m doing the youth group, organizing musical worship, audio/visual tech, digital marketing and the website. I have tried to teach the kids to be sensitive and compassionate to those caught up in sinful lifestyles and to try to be helpful and loving to them… and people are all fallible and can let you down, but the big man upstairs he won’t let ya down, so guess that’s a start. Gosh, I hope they can replace me soon, I shouldn’t be teaching these kids at all given my secret life.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s