Or suppose that he gets drowsy in some even more abnormal position; sitting in an armchair, say, after dinner: then the world will fall topsy-turvy from its orbit, the magic chair will carry him at full speed through time and space, and when he opens his eyes again he will imagine that he went to sleep months earlier and in some far distant country.
A lonely night plays funny tricks on the mind. As soon as I turn off the light on my nightstand, it is as if the nocturnal, dark desperate thoughts that had been banished to the dark recesses of my mind begin their stealthy creeping, until they cast their shadows across the bedroom, gathering around me as I sleep, whispering their depraved words, they know my deepest fears better than anyone after all.
I woke up around 4 am, not an uncommon occurrence when I’ve had stressful events. It was accompanied by a headache. I took a couple ibuprofen and a glass of water, checked my messages. Nothing from Sierra since I last messaged her. We’d texted back and forth playfully all of yesterday, I asked if she wanted to come over, she said ok, but we made no firm plans. I called her after I was done at a friend’s party and we talked for a bit.
“So, are you going to hang out with me tonight?”
“Hmmm, it’s rainy out.”
“I’ll put a fire in the fireplace and you can wear my slippers while I make you hot cocoa.” I sighed.
“How about tomorrow?”
A lot of long pauses in our conversation, she seemed tired, like she was lying in bed being lazy as she often does. She certainly wasn’t up to much this evening by the sounds of it.
“Anymore word on your failed final?”
“Oh my god, don’t talk to me about school, bye.”
And she hung up. She may just be toying with me, but all this is very characteristic of our first interactions. I had had a lot of confidence I’d see her, given the amount of messages we’d sent back and forth, but as usual, I guess you can’t expect anything with Sierra. I was at the very least hoping for a 3 am wake up text like the first time, but nothing.
Yesterday was too busy, I did manage to get out to the grocery store and stock up on supplies for while my wife is gone. Of course, I would never cater to Sierra’s childish whims, especially when I’m not certain I’ll even see her, but I figured I’d still get a few things I know she likes: bacon, hard cider, oranges, sourdough bread, may as well, not like they’ll go to waste. Yes, I know, this twenty-something has me wrapped around her finger, but what can I say, I’ve had a dream for this weekend for a while. Doesn’t seem like it is coming true. I didn’t have time to get on Tinder, I need a new profile photo (one that doesn’t show my face but isn’t the same as other photos I’ve used in the past). No replies to CL ads (besides more dudes looking to suck some dick), every single one the same “hey man, I no you said no dudes, but if no women get back to you…”, I guess I should be flattered, no reason to be angry, if I was gay and horny I’d probably be doing the same thing, after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I’m really just going through the motions, I only have a desire to see Sierra, but I’m trying anyways even if I lack conviction.
I couldn’t get back to sleep this morning after waking early. I checked the desperate ads people sometimes post at 2 or 3 am, hoping to get lucky. I replied to a couple from w4m, one was a bot, the other no response. Finally, got desperate enough to post one myself in m4w, which just garnered 5 more guys-guys-wanting-to-suck-dick responses. I finally jerked off. Early morning wake up alone jerk offs are the worst, they leave me feeling like I had a bad hang over. Utterly unfulfilling and regrettable. Jerking off is only fun when it is a priority, not a last resort.
I’m glad I have this blog to wake up to, or I think I’d go crazy. My desire for Sierra is unreal, but she is just out of reach. I’ll sit here, sip my energy drink and hope this headache goes away, then I’ll probably text my renter, who is also in the midst of finals (luckily he and Sierra are not classmates), and offer to make him the breakfast I’d planned for Sierra.