Hi, My Name is ⸺null

If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.

I felt certain that I was completely free of Sierra the other day, but I do fear that it isn’t that easy to just stop having those kind of feelings for someone cold turkey. It may very well be that I’m merely fooling myself, that I just feel better because I feel she isn’t done with me. But, at least she’s lost that saintly halo that I saw around her. The biggest price to pay for that realization is the degradation of my memories with her. We men are jealous creatures, we value our individuality, our unique experiences make us who we are, we define ourselves by our successes. To come to the realization that I am likely just one of many of Sierra’s lovers is crushing. When I was ignorant, and could fool myself, I imagined that Sierra really shared in these passionate experiences with me, that they were unique for her too, that she enjoyed and valued them like I did, but now that it seemed she shared in similar experiences with many men, they just feel cheap. How many men had she shared them with? I realized I was nothing special, just another average Joe she fucked around with.

When I’d made love to her all morning in my bed and in the shower at home for hours, when I’d spent the night with her in that hotel, when I’d fucked her back in my office, I thought, “this is wonderful, this means something, it is something I’ll never forget.” I’m sure she just looked at it as just getting the hole between her legs filled for a few hours to break the up monotony of the day.

I wasn’t prepared for this world that I’d entered. I should have known it would be this way, that I wasn’t going to find some virgin on CL, and we’d make sweet passionate love, sharing some special experience, and maybe she’d think I was the best she’d ever had and remember me forever. Ok, maybe not the best she ever had, but perhaps at least memorable. Once again, I realize what a fool I’d been, I’m not going to find meaning in my life by having hook-ups with random girls. Trying to differentiate myself from the pack isn’t going to happen by relying on trying to be something special to the girls I meet. I have to realize I’m not anything special there, to them, I’m just another cock with legs, nothing more, nothing less. This has been a fool’s errand, and I’m not sure where to go from here. I can lose myself in meaningless sexual relationships, accept that I’m just one penis in a veritable forest who will just happen to get lucky occasionally when a girl happens to fall open-legged onto me, or… go back to the way things were? This all sounds too extreme, I know I’m oversimplifying, but I’ll need to look at this again with more rational eyes when my emotions subside. I keep coming back, realizing that depending on others for fulfillment is the height of futility. Why do I keep doing it? I’m going to get played every time, perhaps heartbroken. No, I need to find myself, but every time I feel like I’m getting close, I realize I was chasing a ghost, a shadow the whole time.

I realize I’m just making cruel, mysogynistic assumptions, lashing out. Moping around at life’s apparent unfairness, just because someone wasn’t the way I wanted them to be. That’s terrible, I hope I’ve got it out of my system now. I need to accept Sierra as she is, for who she is and who she wants to be, to do anything less is tyranny. Then I can decide if I would like to continue to seek a relationship with her (provided she determines she still wants anything to do with me). I need to stop being cynicle and accept the world for what it is, and find what beauty there is to be found. Each woman I’ve met, and woman I may meet, is their own deep person, they’ll appreciate me in their own way, or not, and our relationship will be what we make it, together. Life isn’t mine to control in its entirety.

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6 thoughts on “Hi, My Name is ⸺null

  1. Just a word of caution- please be safe for you and your wife!

    I don’t recall condoms being used which means you’ll want regular SDI/STD checks if you continue to meet with CL sex partners.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jason dude, you’re a married man looking for sex on tinder and Craigslist. It’s highly unlikely you will find a Cinderella story with those parameters in place. Yes, you are probably a no-strings few-night-stand for the girls you get with. Not because they’re callous and uncaring, but because there’s not much else you can offer if you have a closed marriage. They know the deal, and pursuing more with you would be beyond foolish. You’re Mr. Right Now, rather than Mr. Right.

    Having said that, none of that means you’re forgettable. Maybe you’re a goddamn stud. Maybe when they’re 65 they’ll lean back and laughingly say to their best friend, “Remember that married dude that fucked me on his office table? Good times….!”

    I think you need to figure out what you really want, what you’re yearning for. Then figure out what path you’d need to take to reach that point, thorny as it might be, and then…… baby steps!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, did you not notice my username? Having had a conservative religious world-view for so long didn’t prepare me to understand relationships as the secular world does (and I can’t really say I do now). Lately, of course, I’ve been leaning towards the secular model as the most efficacious, but who can say with certainty, I think both views are dogmatic in many ways. But, I wasn’t prepared to leave my religious cloister and be immersed in the fleeting world of being “mr right now” as you so aptly stated (I still held onto many romantic myths of relationships). You’ll find with many of my blog posts along this journey, that they are outdated almost as soon as they are written as far as what I believe, feel, and hold on to. I’ve moved past all this now, but when I wrote it, it was true of what I felt then. Just wanted to point that out. I’m probably still just as naive and clueless, but in different ways now 😛. Just think of me as Donald Trump or most other politicians, ask me the same question a month or two later and I’ll give you a different answer, lol

      Liked by 1 person

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