If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.
I felt certain that I was completely free of Sierra the other day, but I do fear that it isn’t that easy to just stop having those kind of feelings for someone cold turkey. It may very well be that I’m merely fooling myself, that I just feel better because I feel she isn’t done with me. But, at least she’s lost that saintly halo that I saw around her. The biggest price to pay for that realization is the degradation of my memories with her. We men are jealous creatures, we value our individuality, our unique experiences make us who we are, we define ourselves by our successes. To come to the realization that I am likely just one of many of Sierra’s lovers is crushing. When I was ignorant, and could fool myself, I imagined that Sierra really shared in these passionate experiences with me, that they were unique for her too, that she enjoyed and valued them like I did, but now that it seemed she shared in similar experiences with many men, they just feel cheap. How many men had she shared them with? I realized I was nothing special, just another average Joe she fucked around with.
When I’d made love to her all morning in my bed and in the shower at home for hours, when I’d spent the night with her in that hotel, when I’d fucked her back in my office, I thought, “this is wonderful, this means something, it is something I’ll never forget.” I’m sure she just looked at it as just getting the hole between her legs filled for a few hours to break the up monotony of the day.
I wasn’t prepared for this world that I’d entered. I should have known it would be this way, that I wasn’t going to find some virgin on CL, and we’d make sweet passionate love, sharing some special experience, and maybe she’d think I was the best she’d ever had and remember me forever. Ok, maybe not the best she ever had, but perhaps at least memorable. Once again, I realize what a fool I’d been, I’m not going to find meaning in my life by having hook-ups with random girls. Trying to differentiate myself from the pack isn’t going to happen by relying on trying to be something special to the girls I meet. I have to realize I’m not anything special there, to them, I’m just another cock with legs, nothing more, nothing less. This has been a fool’s errand, and I’m not sure where to go from here. I can lose myself in meaningless sexual relationships, accept that I’m just one penis in a veritable forest who will just happen to get lucky occasionally when a girl happens to fall open-legged onto me, or… go back to the way things were? This all sounds too extreme, I know I’m oversimplifying, but I’ll need to look at this again with more rational eyes when my emotions subside. I keep coming back, realizing that depending on others for fulfillment is the height of futility. Why do I keep doing it? I’m going to get played every time, perhaps heartbroken. No, I need to find myself, but every time I feel like I’m getting close, I realize I was chasing a ghost, a shadow the whole time.
I realize I’m just making cruel, mysogynistic assumptions, lashing out. Moping around at life’s apparent unfairness, just because someone wasn’t the way I wanted them to be. That’s terrible, I hope I’ve got it out of my system now. I need to accept Sierra as she is, for who she is and who she wants to be, to do anything less is tyranny. Then I can decide if I would like to continue to seek a relationship with her (provided she determines she still wants anything to do with me). I need to stop being cynicle and accept the world for what it is, and find what beauty there is to be found. Each woman I’ve met, and woman I may meet, is their own deep person, they’ll appreciate me in their own way, or not, and our relationship will be what we make it, together. Life isn’t mine to control in its entirety.