Hearth Fire

Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
Then world behind and home ahead,
We’ll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!

I had a sex yesterday. With my wife of all people. We haven’t been together in untold months, but I had a feeling it was coming. Ever since we talked, our relationship has warmed, ever so slightly. It started off similar to our sex life in the past, she mentioned she wanted it, took off her clothes, laid back on the bed, I followed suite and got between her open legs. She seems to have put on some more weight lately, while I’d lost another 10 lbs (much to my own chagrin, I can’t seem to keep it on, exercise only seems to make it worse), I was fit as ever, stronger, my pubic area clean shaven as usual (I told her that it just felt more comfortable that way), hers au natural. But, I had no trouble at all getting hard. Funny, just like clockwork. Even though we haven’t been like this in months, it was familiar, like riding a bike.

But, she knew something was different once I got going.
“My god, I don’t remember it ever being so good,” she was moaning, “Who have you been practicing on?”
“No one, just been a while.”
It was hard to tell what was different, I mean, I had kind of forgotten what sex with my wife was like. I didn’t feel like the same man I was when I last had sex with her. I had been with two other women since then. Nothing I did seemed the same, how I touched, how I kissed, how I fucked. It seemed it was noisier now, I could hear my balls slapping her, my trim belly slapping her fat, the bed creaking and shaking. She has a big vagina I realized, I’d never thought about it before. Of course, I didn’t know that until I had sex with someone else since I had no frame of reference. It doesn’t make sense to me now that she should have a big vagina since she is short, and would be small apart from the weight, but there it is, not like it is her fault. It’s funny, one of the complaints she had about intercourse was that my penis was “really big” and hurt her (I wish I could say I have this humongous cock, but really, I’m just acceptably endowed, not huge). I mean, sometimes it took some work getting it in there, but if she was wet or we used a little lube, comparatively it wasn’t too bad, nothing like trying to fit in Sierra. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t enjoyable and arousing having sex with my wife, it was, I just noticed the difference. I could tell that Anne and Sierra were so much smaller, tighter. I could really feel them, when they squeezed and contracted around me it was breathtaking. My wife’s contractions were always mild, barely perceptible except when she had an orgasm, which almost never happened during intercourse. But it happened this time.
“Oh god, right there, harder, harder, don’t stop!” she begged.
She was in awe, she told me it was the best sex she’d ever had, that she’d never known it could be so good. I was surprised she’d didn’t press me more about her suspicions of me cheating on her.

I was very happy that I’d pleased her, it felt good to reconnect like that. I wasn’t sure really why it was so much more enjoyable for her this time. May have just been she was extra horny and sensitive since it had been so long. I don’t know if part of it was me, if I was different somehow. I felt so much more confident in bed now. I also began to realize what was so different about sex with my wife and sex with other women. My wife doesn’t like kissing anymore. I guess that shouldn’t surprise me given the poor health of our relationship. We used to make out for hours when we were dating (of course, we weren’t having sex then, we waited till we were married). She couldn’t keep her hands off me then. But, after we got married, she told me my kisses were poor, slobbery, uncomfortable, dirty. Didn’t seem to make any difference what I did. So, kissing during sex didn’t happen much, she might indulge a kiss or two if I’m lucky. But, today I realized what bothered me the most about sex with my wife: she was trying to hide during it. I realized, my wife is ashamed of herself, of her body, she has no confidence, even disgusted with herself. She’s very uncomfortable being naked, the object of my (or probably anyone’s) affection. She always tries to melt into the bed, to disappear. She won’t make eye contact with me, which really bothers me more than anything, she’ll close her eyes, turn her head, even try to hide under a pillow. I tell her she’s beautiful, I compliment her (I even believe and mean what I say), but I know it does no good, she doesn’t believe me, her feelings of self-disgust are too deep within her core. Contrast this with Sierra, who knows her ass is amazing, who knows I want her tight twenty year old pussy, that I hunger for her body with all of my being. She’d stare right into my eyes, daring me to look away, she’d practically force my lips on hers, dig her nails into my back pulling me into her, pushing her hips against me, her body hungry for mine, she’d encourage dirty banter, reveling in the things she’d get me to say to her, and her ultimate desire seemed to be to get me to lose all control, to lose myself within her, until I couldn’t hold my orgasm back from her any longer. I think I finally realized why sex with Sierra was so incredible and still haunts my dreams, I still remember moments of her naked body against mine so vividly that they tear me apart from the inside whenever they surface in my mind, I feel a void, an empty vacuum in the pit of stomach, worried that it will never be that way again.

My wife’s feelings for herself break my heart. I had known for a long time that they effected our sex life, but I never realized until I’d been with other women to what degree. I knew I couldn’t fix it for her. I had tried, and failed at that. She needed to find a way to appreciate herself. She’d tried diet, exercise, but I know it is an uphill battle, one I’ve never had to face and couldn’t truly understand. She will succeed only for a time, taking a step forward, and finally two steps back. If I tried to help, it seemed I only make it worse, fueling her insecurity. Seems there is no easy solution, but I don’t want to give up. I feel I see the problems more clearly now, I’ll  encourage her again to get therapy, and for us to work on our relationship.

The other thing I think I’m realizing is that my erectile issues seem to have less to do with arousal and attraction than they do with comfort and anxiety. I had no trouble getting an erection with my wife (or Anne for that matter), even though I’m far more attracted to Sierra. Seems my issue is purely psychological and not physiological in nature. I need to be in a comfortable place, a place where I’m not going to be anxious or stressed out, then I have no trouble performing.

I know the right thing for me to do would be for me to stop cheating on my wife, but I’m not sure how easy that will be now. I’m realizing how much I love sex with other women, even though now there is a slim ray of hope that suggests that things could become better with my wife, I find I don’t want to let go of what I have with Anne and Sierra. But, I know I have to start thinking seriously about what I truly want.

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16 thoughts on “Hearth Fire

    1. Never been one to conform, at least these days 😛

      My wife and I never used birth control, for our entire marriage. I’m blessed with excellent control, never had an accident. Our son was conceived only through conscious effort. Famous last words huh?

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        1. Fate has nothing to do with it. All contraception involves risk, even Planned Parenthood admits that the pullout method is 96% effective if done correctly. And why? I’m pretty sure anyone who says condoms feel just as good is a condom salesman. At only 2% safer with them, and incredibly more pleasurable without them, I think I’ll stick to going condomless when I can.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Pills made my wife crazy (we can both attest to that), and I can’t convince her to do anything non-hormone based like a copper-IUD. It’s ok, she wants more babies, so an accident wouldn’t be the end of the world.

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  1. I think the worst thing about loving someone that is insecure is that, at first, you are genuinely in love with them (the way they look, their personality, their smells) but they are so insecure, they convince you that they aren’t worthy of your affection. Then the love that remains for them is nearly purely sentimental. You end up caught in a horrible catch-22 because you want to love them and you want them to be loved – to convince them that they are worthy, precious and perfect, but are simultaneously cheating on them, confirming all of their greatest fears. Love and sex, messy messy messy.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You can only do what is in your realm of control, man. It is never your job to change someone else’s self esteem. At the end of the day we are only left with ourselves and it is our own job to make our own self happy.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This was…. depressing. Your wife sounds like she’s been ruined by the kind of Christian sex-shaming that leads to no sex before marriage and the problems that roll along with that (not knowing if you’re sexually compatible in terms of libido/kinks/etc). She also sounds deathly insecure. She needs therapy and a gentle reminder that sex is good (sex is fine, doggy-style or sixty-nine). She sounds almost surprised that sex can be great.

    I think I need a palate-cleanser post now because that has just brought me all the way down…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, didn’t I say, many of my posts are depressing, sorry. But the silver lining is, that I feel infinitely better after writing them! I pour all of my malice, discontent, and fears into the post so they are no longer in my system.

      Yes, I really feel for my wife, it is terrible what she goes through. We all do terrible things to ourselves, but her more than most. I’m continually trying to get her therapy, but that tends to make her more insecure, the fear that I think she’s crazy or something of that nature.

      I don’t have much in the way of palate cleansers, here’s a smoke outside of the normal narrative that I could recommend that isn’t all doom and gloom:

      https://confessionsofanadulterer.wordpress.com/2017/01/14/thank-you-for-smoking/

      Liked by 1 person

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