Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
I’m becoming paranoid and I know I need to stop. I’m trying to stay proactive. Music and reading are no long soothing my anxiety. I don’t know why I’m trying to salvage this. Maybe there is nothing to salvage, everything could be fine, but from my view it isn’t. I can’t give up until I’ve done everything I can. I figure perhaps I just need to get Sierra in a more comfortable place. I’ve called around to a number of hotels this morning, seeing if they offer day rates (you know, renting for a few hours, I just say I’m driving through and need a place for a few hours to nap and take a shower). No dice, apparently nobody does that around here. But at this point I need to give it a try even if I have to pay for a full day/night.
I texted her to see if she wanted to get together for lunch and see what works out, I don’t know what to make of her awkward, ambiguous response, she didn’t answer my call either. None of this surprises me, I expect she’ll get back to me within the hour, but at the same time it preys on my insecurity. What if she is fucking mattress dude and she’s done with me? If I knew I could start accepting it and move on. It would be heartbreaking due to the circumstance. I could come to no other conclusion than my erectile problems caused this.
I know I just need to let go and accept the situation whatever it is, but that has never been so hard. She’s still giving non-committal responses to my texts as the afternoon wears on. Better just give up any hope of seeing her. I’ll try again another day. I can’t let paranoia get the better of me. It isn’t so much that I’m desperate for Sierra. I think she’s wonderful, but really this is about me squandering an opportunity. If I can just accept that the erectile problem isn’t my fault, perhaps this would be easier, but how can I?
I need to find something to distract myself, but I haven’t felt this kind of pit in my stomach since I was single. In those days, hanging out with friends, listening to music, reading, playing games, watching TV, everything would be small consolation. Sometimes, I wish I could crawl within myself, curl up into a smaller and smaller ball, folding inward until I disappear from existence without a trace.
I realize I’m being silly. I should just give it a rest. Let Sierra go for now, try to focus on life without her. Come back to her later. People aren’t like books, you can’t pick them up and set them down at will, they may not be there when you come back. I guess that is my fear. Sierra will find someone else (perhaps she already has, perhaps she always has, Troubled is probably right and I’m just willfully ignorant of her promiscuity, she has no loyalty to me). But I have to let go.
I was rereading some comments on my blog just now, thank you for this one Sinful:
I can tell you really really really like this girl from the way you write about her and your time together. Nice….
and you are right “you only live once!” so get to livin’
At reading it again, I realized you had some insight into something I didn’t. It was probably obvious to everyone who read my blog (you’re probably all rolling your eyes and thinking “no shit, you finally figured it out, you dummy”, I can see it in so many other comments now), but I have been ignorant up to this point. I broke down upon reading it this time, it finally clicked, I had to walk outside from my office and sit under a tree for a bit. I loosened my tie and unbuttoned my shirt. My face was hot and I could feel tears welling behind my eyes. None fell, I got control, hoping nobody would see. Perhaps I should have just let it out, how long had it been since I’d cried, 5 years? More? But I sat there on the grass thinking. I had stopped myself from loving Sierra because I knew she wasn’t mine to love, never would be. I didn’t even give that a second thought, I knew from the start what the arrangement was. We were meeting for sex and fun. But, I was in love with that arrangement, I was in love with the amazing times we had, and in love with the fact that it was with her. Does that mean I love her? I don’t know, I don’t even know what that means anymore. Maybe I do just really really really like her. I thought I could do this, I thought I could be a player, just have my fun, if a girl wanted me great, if not, move on. Totally detached, unaffected. But, it didn’t work out that way, Sierra was under my skin. I knew she didn’t see it that way, she had no need to be invested in me, she probably didn’t give me a second thought on an average day. To her, I’m sure I was just some guy she fucked occasionally for fun. If she never saw me again, it’d be no loss to her. But not to me, I thought about her constantly, she was the sum of all my desires. I feel like I’m the immature boy, while she is the woman in this relationship, not a girl who’s a decade younger than me. I’m such a fool, I was emotionally unarmed for this type of relationship.
I now realize that I shouldn’t be surprised to feel this loss. It’s a terrible blow to me. I had planned for it to end at some point, but not like this. You know what people say when a relationship doesn’t work out, “it wasn’t meant to be,” “It wasn’t in the cards.” I hate those sayings, none of this shit is meant to be, and there is no fucking deck of cards. There is shit that happens, and that is it, the stuff that doesn’t, it doesn’t even exist, except in our dreams and imaginations. I don’t believe in fate. I believe in God, but I’ve never believed he weaves every moment of our lives into some fucking tapestry, he just lets the shit happen. Loss is loss, and it sucks. I’ve learned there is no magic trick for avoiding the pain. The greater the love, the greater the loss, the greater the pain. There’s no way around it. You can bury it deep inside, you can try to fool yourself, but sooner or later you’ll feel it or you’ll just let it destroy you. I realize I need to accept the pain and stop running from it, burying it and trying to fool myself into believing that Sierra is nothing to me, when she clearly is, and that’s ok. I thought I had to be detached, to not care, otherwise I’d be weak. I don’t think attachment is weakness necessarily, but unbalanced attachment would seem to be. Was I weak to allow myself to get so attached when clearly this relationship didn’t merit it? Or did I even have any control over it?
I don’t know if it is over with Sierra. She is still responding to my texts, but something doesn’t seem right, perhaps it is just my imagination. When we talked the other day, it seemed she was on-board with spending a few days with me when my wife goes out of town. But, I can’t seem to get her on the phone, and I’m avoiding being a pest and revealing my feelings. But, at least I feel a thousand times better finally confronting my them. I realize I can do nothing to prepare myself for the inevitable, that one day it will be over with Sierra, and it will hurt, regardless. I’m not going to keep pretending that I’m fine and happy about that, I’m not. But, I know it has to be, I know it is for the best. But I don’t need to deal with that now, I can wait until the time comes, whether it is tomorrow, or months from now. In the mean time, I can face my fear and stop dying a thousand relationship deaths, and wait for the inevitable one to come.