Ego

A busy weekend has helped keep my mind occupied at least. I did talk with Sierra briefly yesterday. I had to run some errands, so I could turn on my Google Voice account on my phone without fear of prying eyes seeing my notifications, allowing me to text back and forth with her a bit. She does seem to be a bit different lately, but it may just be my imagination, my fears playing upon me. I called, we talked for a bit, but then she seemed a bit impatient to get off the phone with me and continue on with her day. She might have been busy, but in hindsight, I realize I was calling because I’m feeling insecure and who wants to talk to some needy married guy anyways. We still had a few laughs, talked about some holiday plans, the movies out, other nonsense. My wife just let me know that she’s thinking she’ll want to leave to visit her parents in a couple weeks for a few days. Sierra will be wrapping up school and said she’d be down to spend a few days with me while my wife is gone. Conversations tend to run into long tangents with her, so I keep missing out on a getting a straight answer of when she is actually graduating, winter or spring. Either way, winter break is coming up and she’ll be gone either for a while or for good.

When I sit and think, my ego is still shattered and I keep thinking it won’t fully heal until Sierra and I have a successful sexual encounter. I thought I was past seeking external validation, but it seems the man I had become is lost again and the fragile, needy, fearful boy is back. I need to give myself more time, my physical failings have played some nasty tricks with my head, and I’m beginning to see the underlying flaws in the foundations of my psyche as I delve into these fissures that had split open. I’m hoping I can shore them up and come back stronger than before, without needing to rely on external results and circumstances.

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5 thoughts on “Ego

  1. You have me intrigued and hopeful for you. As someone who has never had a ‘physical’ adulterous relationship, there is something to said about anonymity. It has heightened my desires and improved my physical relationship at home. Have you consider something a little less physical, equating to less emotions from said partner and perhaps less stress on you?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m hopeful as well. I’m mostly frustrated that things started out so wonderful with Sierra, and then all this happened. In the beginning with her (see here if you care to see how it all started: https://confessionsofanadulterer.wordpress.com/2016/11/10/stoking-the-forge/), I had no attachment, really, I didn’t hold out much hope for ever having a physical relationship with her. Even after we started having sex, it was carefree, no stress, no anxiety, just bliss. Then the erectile issues started, I’m still pretty certain it is just because we have no comfortable, private place to meet, but still. Now, I feel our future is uncertain and that is bothering me.

      The problem is what we’ve had, that is why I now feel the stress, it is the fear of losing it. Going back to not acting on my adulterous whims would just be the same, except I’d be giving it up willfully. Perhaps good advice for the future though, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you!

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      1. Yes, I was just thinking that I am coming in a little unsure of situation- I’ll read. But, I understand what you are saying. And it is perfectly normal to become attached. Personally, I’ve had a hard time not attaching to the idea of what the person I’m messing around with is like. That is why I stay away from the physical, I’d be screwed for sure 😉 And you’re welcome! xx

        Liked by 1 person

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