Things are no better today. I need to be proactive though.
I’ve already been trying everything to rescue my penile health since I started having issues. I’m exercising again, taking walks, putting in 100 reps of kegels whenever I find the time. I’m taking 4,000 mg of panax/red ginseng which studies show seems to help with ED (golly, I’m one of those guys now, fuckin’ herb and supplement nuts, but I’m trying to be evidence based). I’m trying to cut back a bit on caffeine (even though I’ve read it helps) and pain pills. I haven’t touched porn since I was with Anne the first time, nor masturbated (no urge or interest). Sometimes I wonder if that is the problem? Everyone says porn and masturbation causes desensitization and worsens ED, so how could it help? I still have very strong morning wood every morning (well, it was gone for a week after my 36 hour escapade, but it came back with a vengeance). Probably, I’m just no good having car sex or sex on conference room tables. I’m thinking I just need a comfortable place. I think I can spring for a hotel room for the next time I meet Sierra, and we’ll see.
It is all I can think about it seems. I can’t stop thinking about Sierra giving up on my sorry ass and going and fucking other guys. I couldn’t blame her one bit if she did, but obviously it wouldn’t make me happy, I wanted to be with her up until she graduates and leaves town. I’ve thought about texting her, but I don’t even know what to say at this point. I can’t think of anything, I’m so wrapped up in this ED nonsense. I guess I could joke about that, but perhaps that’d just make it worse. She’s not likely to text me unprompted, she always gets back to me when I text her, but she very rarely texts me anything out of the blue. I don’t know what that means either, if anything. It may just mean she values me for sex (fat lot of good I am in that area lately), or for some occasional fun. Is she really far more slutty than she makes herself out to be? She claims she’s had three different partners in her life (I can see you rolling your eyes, Troubled). Maybe, who knows?
Mostly, I’m just filled with regret at these missed opportunities. I have access to nearly unlimited sex with a really hot girl who wants me. Every time I’ve texted Sierra and wanted to meet for a hook-up she has been willing to meet me. But, I’ve only performed 1 out of 4 times now since our 7 hours of marathon fucking. Is it poetic justice? Comedic irony? What the fuck, this is real life and an opportunity like this comes up once a lifetime (at least for me so far), and I can’t take advantage. I can’t believe how insecure this has made me, I just need time to breath and get that confidence back.