Warmth of the Sun

Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.

I ran away this morning. I needed to cruise down the open road in my robe and slippers, just me, a cup of coffee, and some tunes on the radio. My wife and I both needed the break from each other (we were both in far better moods when I returned), and it was nice to have the time to think. Seems like I’ve been fighting loneliness my whole life. I thought getting married would be the final nail in the coffin for it, and for a time it was. I remember driving to work, feeling warm, sustained by my wife’s love. She’d often send me a text in the morning, to tell me she loved me. When I got home at night, we’d sit on the couch, and I’d bask in the warmth, just being together, all the problems and cares of the world melted like wax. It didn’t last long, not even a year, though it would come back for brief periods. But those periods would get shorter, and shorter, until they disappeared entirely, and I realized I had never been so lonely and cold in my entire life.

Now, as I drove, I realized that my relationship with Sierra wasn’t making me any less lonely. She was back home with her family for Thanksgiving, and probably not giving me more than a seconds thought every once in a while. I know I probably think about her too much. But, somehow, since I started screwing her, the loneliness didn’t matter anymore. I felt warm as I drove on this morning, content. Seemed that even when my wife and I had those  warm fuzzy feelings, perhaps they were just all in the moment. Did my wife really ever care that much for me? I still care for her, but it isn’t the same. But was it just convenient at that time to have that love and those feelings, and now it wasn’t any longer.

Seems nothing lasts, and always seeking to have others love you so you can be happy seems to be a losing proposition. You may have victory for a day, but you’ll never win the war. Or maybe you can, with the right partner, but is loneliness really the problem? Perhaps my war all these years hadn’t been against loneliness, but against myself. A rebellion against my own person, not willing to accept myself, not willing to try only to fail, but only willing to sit on the sidelines and sulk at life’s unfairness. Who really knows the secret to happiness and contentment? The meaning of it all. Sex is the ultimate ‘in the moment’ experience. A hunger of our body and mind. After it is done, we try to hold onto it, to savor the memory like a fine meal, but it is so much sweeter in the moment, before it passes away. How could something so effervescent continue to make an impact on me at this moment? Perhaps the echos of the actions that took me there? Is it the fact that I didn’t suppress my desire, but seized the moment? Even now, I hungered for it once more, but I am satisfied. Maybe life is like music, the empty spaces between the notes are as important as the notes themselves. And you can’t just play a single beautiful chord and stop, you have to keep playing or the flame will die. Whatever it is, I feel warm.

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13 thoughts on “Warmth of the Sun

    1. It is true. The loneliness is there, but for me, it has always been there, and I’m finding for the first time that I’m actually comfortable with it. Perhaps that is the first step to conquering it. To be Ok with it, complete in yourself, then to find the right person to take the loneliness away. Seems like the second part will never be for me since I’m committed to my marriage and family, but I think now I can live with it at least. That seems like a terribly sad thing to say, I guess I should hold out some hope, nobody knows what the future holds.

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      1. Yes, I think you are taking steps into the right direction…
        but (isn’t there always a but..)

        To be Ok with it, complete in yourself, then to find the right person to take the loneliness away.

        I agree with the first part but not so much the second one. No person will take the loneliness away, they can enrich your life but not give you something you haven’t given yoruself first.
        I am not explain it right.
        Sigh
        Think of this saying “You can’t love another person unless you love yourself.”
        Work on yourself and feeling good about being alone. That is when you might be able to enjoy what others have to offer without clinging to them as they are your life raft.

        And yes, chin up buttercup, no one knows what the future holds. Stay positive.
        xo
        ~~sin

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        1. You’re right, my statements are contradictory, but intentionally so. How can one be complete and yet lonely. I completely agree, I think you clarified my poor choice of words. Just as we’ve talked about the inadequacy of words to describe reality, we could write volumes and probably not capture this. I hope I can live with myself, become happy alone, and enrich my life through the relationships I have. And who knows, perhaps one day I’ll have the relationship I really have dreamed about.

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          1. Yeah, I agree that it will be hard to capture because when people read they form their own ideas and thoughts –missing the point all together.

            One day you will find her because you are striving for it. People change so much between their 20’s and 3o’s so as you getting older you might be able to pinpoint what you are exactly looking for. I think right now you are still trying to find yourself.

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