Vapor

I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.

I’ve been giving this some serious contemplation. While I had certainly had fun with Sierra over the past couple days even with our misadventures, I was really feeling like I’d let us with my dick problems. I can’t figure it out, here was this extremely hot girl, who was horny and wanted me, and I couldn’t get it up to fuck her the last two times we met. Was it the venue? We were in semi-public places without a comfortable bed. That could be a factor. Was it the lack of sleep? The extreme quantity of sex I’d had the past week that I still needed to recover from? Was it guilt? Was something wrong physiologically? Performance anxiety? Extreme stress?

Searching my feelings, I find that I am extremely stressed out about my wife returning. I’m realizing that what I have with Sierra I want all the time. It is a frustrating realization of the life I want versus the life I have. I realize that I need to let go and realize that what I have with Sierra is wonderful, but it could never be more than what it was. Even if I left my wife and son, I could never be with Sierra, nor should I want to be. The fun we are having is precisely because I’m a married older guy, and therein was the excitement. If I was single, I probably wouldn’t be trying to find a girl like Sierra, and likewise she wouldn’t be trying to find someone like me.

Now, the problem of trying to figure out how to accept and live with it. I have to once again find enjoyment in my daily life because I know the thing that I have with Sierra will be fleeting and can’t even be the majority of my time while I have it. I had to accept that it wasn’t sustainable, that eventually my life would go back to normal and all I’d have left of Sierra was a beautiful memory. I wasn’t sure when that would be either. Was it over already? Had it been just a dream? Would it continue for another year or so? It will end at some point. She’ll graduate and move away, she’ll get bored with me, she’ll find a boyfriend or a new fling. I mean, she could have her pick of guys in her age group, and I imagine those guys aren’t likely to have erection issues. Something would end our relationship sooner or later. It was tough, because this sexual relationship was like an absolute dream come true (apart from the fact that I couldn’t furnish us with a hotel for every meeting and my dick was apparently out of service).

I’ve decided I needed a few days break. Let my cock rest and see if I can get in to see a urologist. I’m realizing I’ve been so stressed that I’ve hardly been eating anything. I’ve been miserable apart from the time I’d spent with Sierra the past week. I need to take it easy for a bit, try not to think about her, and focus on returning to the things I enjoyed about my lifestyle before I met her. After all, I wanted to enjoy my time with Sierra and that meant I needed to calm down and get my dick working (lord knows the pressure and performance anxiety wasn’t helping, besides what else must be wrong). And after she was gone (hopefully not yet), life would go on.

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