Contrast Ratio

Disclaimer: Since I feel that this post has been somewhat misunderstood (perhaps not unfairly), I wanted to just say that this was an emotional post made in a very exhausted state. It makes use of exaggeration, hyperbole, and metaphor to give the reader insight to my momentary feelings, emotions, and mental state. I don’t believe my marriage is hell and that my wife is the devil (in many ways, they have many positives, but that is for another post). This is not intended to be an accurate depiction of my daily life, but of a moment in time and what I felt. This blog is a way for me to pour forth my selfish personal thoughts and feelings, sometimes I may just be venting (as in this case). It isn’t meant to be fair, it isn’t meant to provide an objective report of the situation, it certainly isn’t to prove that I’m right and justified and deep down I’m such a good person making great decisions (actually, quite the opposite). My wife and I both have serious flaws and faults, believe me when I say I’m not trying to portray my wife as some evil aggressor (she’s not) and me some harmless saint caught up in a bad situation. Thanks for all the comments and advice (I’ve approved a couple and responded below) and I appreciate all those who came out in support of my wife who is sadly married to a villain (me), she deserves your empathy, I’m sorry for my unfair treatment of her here. I care deeply for my wife, her well-being and her happiness (stop rolling your eyes, I really do, I realize I’m not very good at showing it). Hopefully that adds a little bit of clarity to the rant below.

What we seek is some kind of compensation for what we put up with.

I could barely stay awake at my desk all day yesterday, today isn’t much better. But it was worth it, the last 36 hours had been heaven, almost 9 hours of sex, with 6 hours of sleep. But now the reckoning has come.

My wife returned in a fury, a shadow wreathed in flame as hell-fire and brimstone rained down. She was furious at the state of the house, in spite of it being cleaner than when she left. Mostly she was disappointed that I’d failed to take initiative on a number of projects she had expected me to work on (be nice if she would tell me these things). I know a big part of it was she had a terrible week with her parents while I was living it up, and now was the time to pay back the difference. My mind has rebelled against the return to the status quo, it is excruciating mental anguish.  I get it, I had my bachelor week, it was a week off baby-duties, a week off honey-do’s, and worse yet that during that time I was just going to work, hanging out with friends I haven’t seen in months upon months, and seeking affairs (hell hath no fury if she discovers that). She has been incredibly passive aggressive, sticking in and twisting every knife she can find. The baby has been tired and fussy, but it is good to see him at least. Me being completely exhausted doesn’t help. But, all I can do is agree to pulling double-duty for a while as my penance for my sins (the ones she knows, and the ones she is ignorant of). Escaping to work this morning was very welcome.

The contrast of all this (compared to the previous days) eats away at me. Sitting at the pinnacle of the clouds of heaven only to descend to the blackest pit of hell. But, now I carry these vivid memories of my moments in the sun, secretly, in some once forgotten corner of my mind, and pull them out to reflect on when no one is looking lest they should see my smile and the spark of life come into my eyes.


9 thoughts on “Contrast Ratio

  1. Typical. Demonize your wife so cheating is ok
    Seriously, why are you married?. Your baby is young enough not to know the difference. It will allow your wife a chance to get the hell away from you and you can screw whoever you want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My demonetization of her is intentionally hyperbolic in this post (and yes, I know that is unfair). Emotions are extreme, and this is an emotional post in many ways. I’m not suggesting cheating is ok. I’m also not going to white-wash her behavior and say it is ok either (her temper and belief that others need to be made to suffer the way she has are certainly her worst characteristics). My wife has many good traits as well, her bad traits (and my bad traits) are made more extreme by our incompatibility and our failures in building a good marriage. I don’t think she is a bad, evil person, far from it, we are just two lost, blind souls trying make our way through the darkness. Let me just say, I believe things will calm down a bit once my wife gets this all out of her system and balance is restored. But, no question, my wife deserves better.

      So yes, why are we married, such a good question, one that is not easily answered. Try reading this post, I try to make sense of it, but still come up short. The skinny of it is, I’m not sure what to do, and I’m afraid to rock the boat. Yes, a big part of me wants to leave, the other big part of me fears what that will do to my son (and my wife), and family, and friends. I know it seems simple to you, but it isn’t to me. Sorry if my post upset you, I understand that there is a second side to all this and I know cheating can cause terrible destruction. I wish I had better answers right now. I write because I’m trying to make sense of all this. I appreciate the comment and I’m sure it was intended with the desire to help, and that means a lot to me. My goal isn’t to convince you that I’m right (I know I’m not), my goal is only to confess, expose my soul, try to get this shit figured out so I can make a decision. You may be frustrated that I’m not in the place you are in yet, and not doing things the way you would do it, for that I am sorry, but I have to find my own way. Is this a good answer, no, but it is all I have for you right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If it is hell you feel you are in with your wife, please spare her the agony and divorce her. Why do you stay? Your posts make me sad for the woman you vowed to love and forsake all others for and she has no idea you are betraying her. I only hope and pray that you are protecting yourself and your unknowing wife from stds. You know nothing of these women you are meeting on craigslist.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had a similar comment that I responded to a short while ago, so I won’t repeat everything I said in that. This post was emotional and made use of hyperbole, perhaps that was inappropriate for the subject matter. My point was to highlight the contrast of the situations and how that made me feel. It was not intended to be a dispassionate, objective explanation of my wife and my problems in our marriage. That would be far to complex and long of a post. Generally, my life with my wife is not hell. Some times it is, sometimes, as in this case, she feels the need to inflict her suffering on others. She is aware of it, but it takes her a while to get a handle on it. I’m not saying that things I do don’t also cause us to spiral into similarly bad situations, they certainly do, but in this particular situation this seems to be the primary driving force (I know, that is an oversimplification to a very complex situation).

      I’m glad you feel for her, I know it doesn’t come out in this post, but I have great concern and care for my wife (I’d use the word ‘love,’ but different people see that word very differently).

      I don’t post to convince people that I’m right and justified in what I do, I don’t believe for a second that I am. I lay bare my soul, I confess in the hopes that I can make my way through the darkness. I appreciate the comments and advice along the way.

      My wife and I won’t be having sex anytime in the near future since we’ve been in a dead bedroom for a good while. I do plan to get tested in the near future in the off-chance that that changes.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Sorry you had to put that disclaimer because everyone should understand where you are coming from but some people are to hurt and ready to lash out to complete strangers (such as you).
    I get it, you were on a holiday and you came crashing down hard as her arrival yanked you back into reality.
    No one is ready for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for understanding. I feel like for this blog my followers are divided into two camps, like angels and demons sitting on my shoulders in a cartoon or something. We have fellow cheaters and kinksters on one hand and victims of cheating and moral crusaders on the other. I’m really glad to have both camps, but I understand that people are going to react differently to certain posts depending on the life experience they bring to the table.


  5. I just want to commend your strength for bearing your soul on here. It takes a lot of strength to do so, especially on a subject that is hardly ever talked about. I empathize with you because I know how hard is to write about something so personal (like my blog), and for people to tear you down because of it… I’m sure it’s not the best feeling in the world. If anything, your reader can definitely tell how confused you are about your situation, some just don’t like the choices you are making because of it, and that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

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