Your words are as empty as your soul!
Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!
What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.
I began to believe that I needed to see where I could go with a woman, that I needed some kind of validation of myself as a man and worthwhile human-being. I switch to the w4m of CL where I soon discover that only scam bots reside. Seeing that, I started posting my own ads in m4w. I begin getting responses. Most are scammers (and the odd blackmailer), but there are some legit responses. Talking about sexuality with real women was quite a catharsis even if it was only through email at this time. I begin to feel more comfortable and confident. I start reading Models: A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Women by Mark Manson. In many ways, this book seems to be the final piece in the puzzle and everything starts to make sense. I saw for the first time how all the wrong decisions (and extreme dishonesty) I’d made in my life had gotten me to this point. I had seen the Christian “nice guy” approach lead to apathy that eventually lead to a shitty relationship and/or vindictive loneliness. The secular approach my friends all encouraged me to take was pickup-artist bullshit that involved believing that all women just like to play games and the idea is tricking women into sleeping with you. I’d seen this fail in my own life, and seen it lead to hollow emptiness and numerous failed relationships in the lives of my friends who practiced it. Models was the common sense approach, obvious, but these simple concepts are always obscured by our culture: women who play games aren’t worth your time, most women are honest and just want an honest man, be honest about who you are and what you want, be courageous, don’t be needy, invest in yourself or no one else will, don’t pursue women you have no interest in or who have no interest in you. In my own twisted way, I would seek to apply many of these to my life, but to what end?
Now I’m continually confronted with the choice to abandon my wife and child, my Christian family, my friends so I can go start anew armed with some new knowledge and an idea of what I wanted my life to be, or I could stay where I was and face what I deemed were my responsibilities (keep trying to prop up the house of cards I’d built). What continued to tug at me, was this incredible desire to make sure my son would not make the same mistakes I made. This became the trump card. I felt that I needed to stay and not rock the boat so that I could be the father I never had. But at the same time, I continued to have my own selfish desires. I felt that I’d been robbed (or really I’d robbed myself) of all these experiences and things that I wanted in my life. I grew envious whenever I saw another married couple that seemed to have happiness, and especially where the wife was thin and attractive. It’s not that I wasn’t attracted to fat women (I was in fact, attracted to my wife), on the contrary, it was pride, it was status, it was the belief that others were looking down on me because my spouse wasn’t considered beautiful by everyone, the belief that I couldn’t attract a beautiful woman. I had rightly been taught by my Christian beliefs to “fuck pride” just like Marsellus Wallace would say. As I explored these secular perspectives, suddenly all this started to wear on me. But most of all, I regretted not having explored relationships more thoroughly before settling down.
My interactions with women on CL are growing more frequent and I believe that I’m getting better at attracting women. I make it a goal to see how far I can get, naively believing that I’m not doing anything wrong by trying, since I don’t really believe I’ll be successful in cheating. Besides, I can always stop if things go too far. I try more outlandish and crazy posts, partly because the conversations they spur are such a turn on and partly because I’m growing desperate and perhaps I’d be willing to do just about anything when I’m in a dark state of mind. I post ads seeking horny housewives, sexting relationships, watching porn together, mutual masturbation, pregnant women, young inexperienced college students, and given my experience with how great conception sex could be, I offered to even impregnate women who needed a donor (natural insemination of course). I would generally have 5-10 ads going at any one time, gradually refining them for maximum response. It was an addiction, having long ongoing chats with these women, trying to figure out how far I could get. I began applying some of Manson’s advice in Models, trying to attract through honesty (with them of course, not my wife), boldness, non-neediness, self-investment, and stopped using gimmicks and lying. Still, with all this, I got used to women not transitioning past email with me. Eventually they’d ghost me or I’d tell them to contact me when they are interested in moving forward and that’d be that. What had once been a theoretical, unobtainable desire to cheat, had slowly become more than a fantasy: it was something that I had decided I was willing to go through with if I ever found a partner (but this seemed more unobtainable than ever).
If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m the villain in this tale, I’m Walter in this Breaking Bad, I’m Frank Underwood to this House of Cards. Everyone likes to think they are a good person, perhaps deep down if their actions really don’t convey it. I find I am gradually embracing who I am becoming. Instead, the right thing to do, the courageous thing to do, the responsible and honest thing to do would be to stand up, tell my wife, “I’m not who you think I am, this sham of a marriage is over, we are getting a divorce, we both love our son, we’ll continue to put him first as his parents, but we going to get on with our lives, I’m no longer a Christian, I’m going to go out and start meeting women.” Let the chips fall where they may. My wife has made it clear she’d do everything in her power to prevent me ever seeing our son again (if I cheated on her or divorced her), I know I’d lose almost all of my friends (secular and Christian), nobody at work would ever look at me the same way again, my family would come near to disowning me (but I’d probably still be accepted back eventually). Will I ever do it? Maybe, but it isn’t just working up the courage anymore, I’m also seeing another part of me, deep inside, that desires the thrill of a private affair. I don’t know how to overcome that.