I begin to turn to Craigslist to see what is out there. I’m really testing the limits at this time, I don’t think I’d ever seriously consider having an affair. We are about to begin our descent down the rabbit hole here, this is where I imagine I’ll alienate a good a number of you nice folks who have been following me (hell if I know, I can’t tell what’ll offend people anymore). But, I’m laying bare my soul here, as ugly as it is. Porn pushed me to more diverse interests. For some reason, I get in my mind that perhaps a homosexual liaison would be more palatable to my moral senses (which were clearly breaking down at this point). It sounds stupid, but the idea of doing something with a dude didn’t really feel like a true betrayal of my wife so I was much more comfortable with it.
I was fascinated at the thought of sucking a dick, but I was always super grossed out whenever I looked at another man naked (homosexual stuff was fun to imagine, but I couldn’t stand to watch actual porn of it). Transsexual stuff turned me on though, so I started looking in the t4m of casual encounters to see what was out there. Most of the “girls” were not very fem though. Those that were, were always prostitutes I’d come to find out.
I finally succumb and shell out $50 to suck a fairly feminine-looking black girl’s big black dick. It was big, circumcised and corkscrew like, and I had to suck her manly nipples to get it hard. It was kind of fun, but she was pretty rough and throat fucked me before I was good and ready to deep throat a cock (especially one that big, I’m surprised I didn’t gag much). Afterwards, I was kind of like ‘meh’. I didn’t really feel guilty, but decided it wasn’t really for me. I’d explore with another transsexual prostitute a few months later including bottoming, this was a Mexican one with a tiny dick, and it did kind of feel nice in my ass, but once again, didn’t seem worth it. Then I thought I’d suck a masculine guy’s penis hoping to save cash on prostitutes (I was totally grossed during the whole experience, but finished him still since I like to finish what I start), but after that I figured I had all the homosexual stuff out of my system, deciding that it really didn’t excite me or arouse me, it was as alien to what I considered ‘sex’ as could be. No, I decided, I’m really attracted to women only, but I still had a strong feeling that having sex with another woman would be going to far.
At this point, my adherence to Christian morality was an illusion, I was letting my emotions guide my moral sense, which is a dangerous place to be. After a severe argument with my wife, I could easily see myself cheating on her, but then after an enjoyable evening talking and making love, I couldn’t imagine being comfortable with that. My moral compass was broken and the north it pointed out changed moment to moment on the rolling seas.
I’m surprised at how casual this post came off. It was a really big deal for me to perform homosexual acts at the time (I knew I was sinning according to my Christian upbringing and at the time it was quite the hurdle). My wife would have been appalled if she knew I’d done any of this stuff (no question, she’d leave my on the spot). But, in hindsight it feels so minor, just a bump in the road. Perhaps I’ve become too jaded and unfeeling? Or perhaps I just judge the gravity of my sin by the seriousness of the consequences and the fleeting pleasure it brings me.