The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
My sex life with my wife was mostly miss with very little hit. I continued to communicate how important it was to me, and she would listen and usually tell me the problem was I didn’t help her around the house enough, or get her flowers and gifts often enough, or take her on nice dates enough. Given she was the only woman (person) I’d ever had sex with, I had little to go on to understand what was going on. She did seem to like it when I gave her oral and fingered her, and I became pretty good at that. I could guarantee her at least 2-3 orgasms every time, but when it came to intercourse she was frigid, uninterested. She’d either look bored or talk about the color of the curtains she wanted for the living room or some such thing. I tried fast and hard, I tried slow and sensual, I tried every position imaginable (this is beginning to sound like Dr. Seuss, we just need “we had sex in a box, we had sex with a fox” but perhaps for another time). She couldn’t stand the sight of my cum much less want it anywhere near her, she couldn’t stand to taste her pussy on my lips, besides, I slobber too much when I french kiss now (not sure how it was so different from when we were dating), if it went too long it would hurt and she didn’t want to get sweaty anyways, her boobs now hurt when sucked on or felt (I figured when a girl gets married her boobs must get extra sensitive). We did have some brief success using a vibrator at least. But even though I always made sure she had her orgasms, and she would tell me I did a good job, she made it pretty clear that sex just wasn’t her thing.
Fast forward a few years, my wife is begging me for a baby. We are getting into our 30’s, and I don’t really want to miss out on having kids. I give in and we start trying. For the first time since our honeymoon she wants me, she’s horny, we have great passionate sex two to three times every day (she even moans, I know, moans during it! and orgasms during intercourse instead of just when I’m giving her oral), which lasts for 2 weeks until she discovers she’s pregnant. Having now tasted once again that sex can be awesome and passionate and having it return to sex once or twice a month with a frigid wife, I’m more sick of this than ever. I’ve returned to porn to get my rocks off in private hiding it from my wife.
I’d been in the Christian bubble for so long at this point. I’d tried secular dating advice from my buddies back when I started to put myself out there, but it was all about playing games with women and tricking them with lines and/or friendship so you can bed them later (which failed miserably for me). In my search for relationship advice I started reading secular publications like http://marriedmansexlife.com/ and http://www.quitporngetgirls.com/. The seeds are planted that gradually grow in my brain that I’ve done everything wrong regarding hetero-relationships my entire life and I was continuing to do everything wrong. I tried to change, working out, working on my appearance by becoming very fashion conscious, being more assertive in my relationship, more romantic, more physical and expressive, less needy. I become more charming, comfortable, confident with everyone in my life. I got my dream job, I made new friends.
It seems like it is just a little too late with my wife though. I realize more and more that we aren’t a good match, but I don’t want to risk losing everything (my family is all Christian and most of my friends), especially since we have a baby on the way. Sounds cult like right? In some ways it is, but also, in total hindsight, there are a lot of benefits to being a Christian and some of the people (at least those I knew) are really great awesome people, relationships I still value. So I made my choice, I would stay a nominal Christian for now, but continue exploring the bounds of my “prison”. Besides, I wasn’t totally convinced that the Christianity stuff was all wrong. I am the smallest minuscule speck of a speck in the vast universe, I figure I’ll never know for certain much of anything. In any case, religion seemed to have its practical uses. Or was it to blame for all these bad decisions I made up to this point. I was tempted to use it as a scapegoat, but I knew it was all me, I’d made those decisions.
My wife gives birth and we grow closer briefly as parents. But there seems to be an insurmountable gulf in our relationship. We are little more than friends and co-parents. I continue to follow through with some of the romantic stuff to try to make her happy: cards, flowers, presents, expressions of love and I imagine she tries to follow through with some of the sex stuff that is clearly uncomfortable and unpleasant for her. But we both know that things are different than when we were dating. We both know this was all a big mistake and we feel the prison walls closing in around us.